h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Don't have a child because it's expected of you.Have a child because(and I cannot emphasise this enough) you want a child.If you don't want another then don't.No one should have children for any other reason than they want to be a parent.

Yes singletons can be lonely but so can siblings..brothers and sisters don't automatically get along.Singletons do of course have an advantage in that all resources are directed their way.Better education can be one advantage for singletons.

However life is not fair..and having an only child can leave you open to some grief.The death of an only child must be much worse and seem much crueller.Also in a crowd of siblings children can escape parental scrutiny for short periods and obtain a little more independence as a consequence.Singletons have no one else to 'blame' and are in the full spotlight of parental scrutiny.

Anyway you have time.Children do not NEED to be around the same age..There is an 8 year gap between me and my elder sister.there is a 5 year gap between my two.In my husband's family there is a ten year gap between him and his elder brother and between him and his younger sister.All have grown up to be successful in their lives and chosen fields.

The main thing should be that a child should be and this is most important, feel 'wanted'.

Oh crickey, there's certainly no pressure. Quite the reverse - that's the nice thing about my situation. It's essentially down to me and what I want, and while I think my gut instinct goes to two, I'm sure that if, for some reason we couldn't have a second we'd be fine too.

And and the potential will always be wanted and loved.

I confess I had a second child in part because, having had my life completely upended anyway, and having learned all sorts of interesting child rearing tricks, I thought it would be rather a waste just to have the one. Turns out two is more work than one, but not, I think, more than twice as much work, if you see what I mean. So, result. Plus, they are actually quite different, which is interesting.

Having started, I'd quite like more than two even, but I wouldn't try for another pregnancy. I don't mind pregnancy, after the first twelve weeks or so, or labour, but the sheer terror that something might go wrong wouldn't get any better now I am now rapidly approaching 40. Also, I do not surf the hormonal rush/lack of sleep1st year at all well. Plus Russia has orphanages, which makes having more biological babies given that I am rapidly approaching 40 etc etc etc seem a bit self centred. So if I am feeling up to it in a year or two we might look into adoption.

As for the age gap, there's something to be said for all of the of course. A lot of Russian couples have their first babies in their early twenties and their second in their thirties - it's a deliberate policy to make children more affordable and to make childcare more doable in a culture that had 100% employment of men and women. It certainly would be less frazzling for the parents to have a gap, and that's got to be good for the kids. But I'm not sure that I would have been able to force myself to the sticking point had my son got much older. And that, on balance, would have been a shame.

Anyway, just me, of course!

A shame for the kids, as well as me I should point out. My son thinks his sister is great! And it was in part his very positive interest in babies which encouraged me to have another go. Daughter also thinks son is the best thing, and I'm sure she is a little ahead of where he was at the same age because she copies him, even more than she copies us.

On the other hand, my friend waited a long time for her second because her first was really really freaked out by babies for a long time. That's worked out well too - her eldest was six when she had her second and mature enough to handle it by that point.

So the point is, it might depend a bit on your son too.

Hi Vip

I have a younger brother, but a lot of my friends have one child each regardless of their preferences. Three of my four close friends with children have awful problems with their reproductive organs, two of them had very prem babies and have not successfully carried for more than a few months before or since their babies were born. One has a very bright, very sociable mathematical genius child, another has an awkward, affectionate (at times) but very challenging autistic toddler. The fourth is just starting out, has a three month old and is planning more but not for a year or so.

Both with only children and no hope of more find it hard to cope with not being able to provide their child with a sibling. Feeling that they are letting their children down and they are missing out.

But I often tell them that having siblings is just *different* Not better or worse. Me and my brother aren't particularly close. We don't hate each other, we haven't fallen out, we just are very different people and despite being three years apart, it's like one of us has to have been adopted! He lives in the east of the country, I in the west. We fought, we argued, we played our mum up something chronic between us, we played together and we shared experiences, but I don't think I had a better or worse life than if I'd had no siblings. Although perhaps the cutting of the apron strings is harder with an only child? I don't know for sure. I know the youngest is often the hardest to let go (the final emptying of the nest). But whether it's one or many, someone has to go first and be the trailblazer, someone has to be the last and the precious one. Yes it's a lot for an only child, but it's up to the parent to do their best and try to bring their child up to be confident and happy and in my opinion, encouraging some independence and giving them life skills along the way, no matter where they are in the family.

I would say that I agree that the main advantage of having siblings is that you don't have full parental attention all the time. Being able to hide in the shadows a little (or having a sibling who leaves you to take the flack) teaches you a bit more about being independent and thinking smart from an earlier age.

Company you can make up for with friends and parental time, too. What child wouldn't want their parent to only have eyes for them once in a while?

On the other hand, my partner says he doesn't want children for two reasons:

1) There are already enough people in the world. Why add to the numbers?
2) He thinks he's too old now because he wouldn't be able to play football in a proper team with them. (pshaw!)

(I have no real feeling either way and suspect that I was a born Auntie. I love kids but think I may be too selfish to have my life entirely and completely revolve around someone else and I don't get broody).

Um.. So yeah, more than but more stories and ideas and thoughts on it all.

Just don't rush it. There's time!

As many others have said, you have to decide for yourself - nobody can tell you the 'best' size of family. They are all just different, with different dynamics. Wait a bit and see how you feel, different age gaps have all have their pros and cons and none of them are 'wrong'.

I have two boys, 21 months apart. I always expected to have two (as that was my family model growning up), but since #2 came along I have wanted to add another. At first I thought this was hormones, but the feeling hasn't gone away and he is three and a half now. On the contrary, it is on my mind every single day - not a baby thing or a craving-a-girl thing, I want a bigger family as the children I have give me so very much joy (plus a load of stress and anxiety and work and mess and noise ) that I would love to have more of them. There are no practical or health reasons why we couldn't have another (apart from dreading the pregnancy and the first 6 months or so) except for the biggest stumbling block of them all - my husband doesn't want any more. Not being the kind of woman to have an 'accident' it means there is a great deal of tension over the issue, and I suspect I will go to my grave feeling my family isn't complete. I can't make him want more, and I can't not want more, but it isn't fair (in my opinion) to have another that is actively not wanted by one of its parents.

I know exactly how you feel, Kelli. I used to tell myself it's probably an old instinct making us want to have as many children as possible to ensure the continuation of the species.

Having said at the beginning that I wasn't going to bring my own case to the table here, I am now going to do this, because the conversation has now become more general and maybe I do have a couple of points for you to consider. Warning: long posting coming up. Sorry!

When my second son was about 4, I had a miscarriage. I hadn't known I was pregnant - well, a couple of days before I did have a suspicion, but when I was in hospital recovering from the miscarriage, I had a very strong urge to try again. I didn't (try, that is), but I got pregnant anyway again, and had a lovely third child.

To get back to the questions in the OP, though - this third child to this day blames me (albeit a little facetiously) for going back to work so soon after having him. His lower self-esteem has been reflected in his whole life so far. The day before he started school he cried his eyes out because he thought he'd never catch up with his eldest brother (who, by now, was 7 and was brilliant at school). By the time he got to 6th grade, he'd given up on himself, and despite being perfectly capable of it, was not put in the top streams, because of his "work attitude". He scraped through school, only ever doing the minimum to get through.

I think he is quite right to put this down to me going to work so soon after he was born (I did this because after all, I had been off full time work for over 8 years by then.)

Perhaps an advantage of his position in the family was a stronger sense of independence. He is very capable of looking after himself, because he learnt at an early age to stand on his own feet. This is more likely a product of his pseudo-single-child status, due to the five-year gap, than his status as third child.

He's 23 now, and on his second university course - hopefully having found his niche.

So, from my experience, I would suggest that anyone in this situation beware of waiting too long for the next child if they know that they are itching to get back to work (or need to go and earn some money to make ends meet). The last child to be born might bear a grudge for a very long time.

As has been said - twins is a great solution to this problem!

I did almost hope that I was pregnant with twins, I do admit, but I'm very happy with the one I do have!

One thing Mr Vip and I were agreed on was that if we were to have another child we would want them quite close together, although mainly for selfish reasons (we are looking forward to raising children, but we don't want to stretch that period of our lives into our retirement). Of course, the beauty of this decision is we can always change our minds in the future.

I am fortunate enough to be in a situation where I don't have to return full time as soon as possible, so I hope to be able to stay with for as long as I can. But who knows what the future will hold- you can never guarantee anything these days.

For the moment the wish to have another has receded, and I'm not contemplating another. I always, however, reserve the right to change my mind at any point and for any reason.

But of course! And so you should

TC, I find it curious though not surprising that your son blames you for being at work, and not his father. I know that men going part time is unusual now and unheard of 20 years ago.

(I have no real feeling either way and suspect that I was a born Auntie. I love kids but think I may be too selfish to have my life entirely and completely revolve around someone else and I don't get broody). Robyn

Ditto - I'm an Auntie to 7 plus honourary Auntie to 3/4 friend's kids and although I love them all and have a fabulous time with them (we even have a pink princess bedroom in our house for the mainly little girlies to come and stay!), I'm oh so happy to send them home.

I do get broody occasionally, but I think that's because I'm slowly getting to the 'now or never' stage in my late 30's.

It's a bit complicated, Z. My husband, being a teacher, was at home most afternoons, as in Germany, school is only rarely in the afternoon (They go home to lunch and that's it) so the teachers are at home doing their corrections and preparations in the afternoon.

So my kids never had the feeling that their father was not there for them. However, as these afternoons at home are not completely reliable, my third son was put into an all-day kindergarten, which is what he holds against me. I only did it because his aunt, (my husband's sister) worked at the kindergarten and was also available for him. This was, apparently, not enough.

The thing that's constantly bemusing me is how different PaperKid (now nearly 9) and Notepad (3 last February) are, even though photos of them at the same ages are only distinguishable by the fact that PaperKid had more hair earlier. PaperKid has always been one that dreads disappointing. I remember quite distinctly that one of the worst behavior problems we had with her when she was younger was the arguing over whether or not she was, in fact, in trouble (with her insisting she was)! Notepad, on the other hand, is very strongwilled. While "No" would make PaperKid wilt and/or burst into tears, Notepad's reaction varies--blowing a razzberry, telling the naysayer that they're bad, and so forth.

I wouldn't change either for the world.

As far as having more or not goes, we still haven't decided, though at this point, not deciding could end up making the decision for us. On the one hand, my history shows that I'm quite fertile--neither girl was an "accident" per se, but I can't really say we were "trying" either, as PaperKid was conceived the very first time we stopped preventing conception, and the only reason Notepad wasn't was that the first time post-stopping-preventing was cyclically impossible (my period started a few hours later). My pregnancies and childbirths were both ridiculously easy (well, gestational diabetes the 2nd time, but that was because I started overweight). On the other hand, I'm 38. I actually have no idea when menopause hits in my family--my mom died shortly after her 52nd birthday, and had just barely started getting irregular, her sister had to have a hysterectomy when she was around my age, and it's too late by some years to ask my grandmother when she entered menopause. Even if I am fertile for another decade or so, though, I don't have tons of energy now, so who knows if I'd be able to cope with a newborn when I'm older?

Besides, each time I give birth, it pushes back my long-threatened trip to the UK even further Though I'm pretty sure I'll get there before Sol, Vip, kelli, and I are grandmothers. Maybe. I hope.