h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

How come you never see vanuum cleaners in Star Trek? Is it because they never server Jatz to their guests (shame!), or has ever spilt coffee on the carpet, or walks in after coming from one of those dire planets full of dust, dirt and deadly hazards, but doesn't leave mud on the floor of the teleporter room.

That is why it was B5 for me Humans being human 'Nuke 'em till they glow, then shoot them in the dark' You would never ever get a line like that in the sterile ST universe Until later....
BCNU - Crescent

Perhaps the Transporter gets rid of all the dirt. Hey, it's just an idea

But if it transports the biscuit crumbs out into space, how would the computer know not to transport the buscuits themselves? Like, you're enjoying your timtam while staring out into the eternal abyss of deep space, and you accidently drop the buscuit on the floor (which is ok because it's immaculately clean) and before you can pick it up - woing! - it's been transported out into space. I mean, buscuits are made of crumbs.

And the mud issue - how could they bring a dirt sample on board? the ships computer would just teleport the dirt back again as soon as you brought it on the ship.

I wonder when they invented the star trek computer did they end up shouting at it all the time... "Computer! Where's my lunch? What happened to the dirt on the shoes in the Forensic room?"

*giggles*
And why doesn't anybody ever say to Seven of Nine:
"Nice boobs!"

Now there is the second most popular holo-program
BCNU - Crescent

Alright, so i was wrong! Maybe Worf goes around in a pinny wiping stuff up with a pink brusha nd pan, then agin, maybe not. Ask whoever's doing the show now, i've lost track

The thing with 7 (apart from the obvious) was why, when they were deciding what to call her, did she say that just using 'Seven' as her name was inefficient. Who else is that going to be confused with?

Unless, of course, she was talking about the little-known characters Seven Chakotay and Seven Torres

seven of nine - her outfit was so tight, it took her about 5 minutes to sit down. If a scene called for her to come into a room and sit down, they had to cut away to another character when she got to her chair, then cut back when she was seated. Apparently she was in real pain in that outfit.

Definately worth it though

I know a girl called Seven.

Most of the alien planets are made of polystrene anyway

If you could ever build a transporter that works as shown in Star Trek, it would completely transform your day-to-day existence, at least at home/on board ship, i.e. within range of "your" transporter. A completely dust-free environment is only the half of it.

A working transporter, remember, implies the existence of the following:

1. a computer so powerful it's nigh-on sentient
2. a scanning system able to resolve objects to the sub-atomic level in a matter of two seconds anywhere within a given (extremely large) volume (typically a Galaxy-class starship mounts eight independent transporter systems with a quoted range of 40,000 kilometres, which suggests a working VOLUME of, wait for it, 2.68 x 10^23 m3)
3. a target-dismantling system that can operate over that distance through solid objects (e.g. walls, hundreds of metres of rock, etc.).

So... all that considered, if you had such a device, why would you ever visit the lavatory ever again? Far better to simply have the computer monitor your physical state 24/7 and beam the contents of your bladder and colon into space (or in fact into replicator recycling system...) whenever necessary.

There was an interesting scene in an episode of DS9 where Keiko expressed queasy disgust when Miles told her his mother (or possibly grandma) had made "proper" Irish stew, not with a replicator. "You mean she handled the meat, and cut it?" she said, incredulously. Such an attitude would no doubt become common in a society where "real" meats, and for that matter most of the mechanisms of cooking are for most people a disgusting anachronism. (Some would say we're pretty close to that state already...)

But how much more influential would be the near complete elimination of the need to answer any "call of nature"?

Imagine - if you live within range of a transporter (perhaps on a starship), your new baby will not need a nappy. Instantly, an end to one of the most disgusting chores for a new parent.

It will not need to be potty trained. It will, if you want, never in its life experience the discomfort of needing the lavatory. In fact, it may never develop continence, simply because, as long as it stays within transporter range, it will never need to.

This could lead to some serious cultural taboos about bodily functions. Imagine how those who live like that would view people who do use lavatories, either by necessity or choice. Come to that, if you had the choice, what would YOU do?

It could also lead to some seriously disgusting problems if the technology were ever to break down. Star Trek in its various incarnations has made great dramatic mileage out of transporter malfunctions over the years, but imagine the consequences if without it the entire crew became uncontrollably doubly incontinent.

Have I been thinking about this too much?

SoRB

Which leads me to conclude that anyone in that time and space would inevitably transform into a Soft Southern Jessie

SoRB,

Apparently transporters have a range of less than 10 metres through solid rock in Star Trek.

I'm so ashamed I know that.

The more I think about it the more I think that if you could build the Enterprise as seen in TNG, you'd never take it anywhere because you'd be too busy playing in it or whatever.

The transporter also, for instance, would lead to instantaneous liposuction (lipoportation?) on demand. "Computer - I'd like you to excise twenty kilos of extraneous fat from my body." Five seconds later, operation complete.

The air in the Enterprise could be arbitrarily clean, too, because the computer could simply track any extraneous airborne contaminants (dust particles, methane molecules etc.) and beam them into the recycling tanks constantly for the entire interior volume of the ship.

This would mean you wouldn't need to wear antiperspirant or deodorant because anything other than oxygen or nitrogen in the air would be pre-emptively removed even as it was evaporating from your skin.

Another interesting side effect would be a sort of olfactory equivalent of Google would be possible. Consider - right now there's no need to wonder, when you're watching a film "where have I seen that guy before", because you can simply go to IMDb and find out. In the ST universe, there'd never be any need to wonder what something smelled like, because you could simply say to the computer "Computer, what does a rose smell like first thing in the morning?" and the computer would synthesise the precise set of molecules that makes that smell, replicate them, then beam them directly into your nostrils.

Given how evocative smells can be, recalling memories and such like, one could foresee a potential for a whole new artform - olfactory experiences for entertainment or other stimulation. Nose music.

I for one would love to be able to record certain smells (e.g. new mown hay, fresh sweat on a girl's thighs, the smell of napalm in the morning, etc.) and have those specific odours wafting up my nose as I go to sleep. Pleasant dreams guaranteed.

I really have been thinking about this too much.

SoRB

SoRB,

Wow, I've never thought it through like that before. Awesome, but ....

My wife has an Ileostomy which means she doesn't sh*t. She has had it for nine years. And she tells me, the thing she misses the most is the sheer animal pleasure in having a good sh*t, or even a ripping fart.

Have you ever been caught short outside and had to run to the loo for a pee, which you have holding for ages? Do you remember that "aaahhh" feeling when you finally get to a loo? Great isn't it ?

I agree, transporter technology makes this possible, but I think that, after a week or so the novelty would wear off and we'd all be enjoying simple animal pleasures again.

However, it would be of use to the disabled, fighter pilots, people in spacesuits for extended periods.

As to liposuction, if this were possible, EVERY woman in ST would look like Seven of Nine.

With that happy thought, I take my leave

"She has had it for nine years. And she tells me, the thing she misses the most is..."

Precisely - she misses it, because she used to be able to do it and now she can't. BUT... as I say, within a generation of the invention of this technology, there would be a generation of people who had never, ever felt that feeling. More importantly, people who had never, ever seen their own s**t.

Consider modern men and women today - they don't really experience B.O. in the way people did until relatively recently. It's been years since I've been in the presence of someone with B.O. Why? Because:

1. The technology exists to prevent it (plentiful clean water and soap, plus deodorants and antiperspirants)
2. Because of the above, B.O. is culturally unacceptable now in civilised countries.

How much MORE culturally unacceptable would going to the toilet be to a generation of people who had never seen or smelled their own excretions? And the fact that doing so may convey some sort of pleasure might actually make it appear *worse* rather than better. After all, there are plenty of things you *could* do that are physically pleasurable but that you don't do because they're disgusting to you for some reason. I leave that list to your imagination...

SoRB

And if the technology failed (as it often does on Star Trek) you'd have the entire human race die out from constipation and burst bladders as they wouldn't know how to remove their waste themselves.

You know, had Enterprise continued I have a feeling that they would have done a show on that subject to appeal to the lowest common denominator.



Archer T'pol and Trip standing in a city full of stinking corpses.

T'pol: We're too late captain, the entire population has died from a lack of bowel movements.
Trip: You mean these people died from not being able to poop?
T'pol: Precisely.
Archer: *dramatic pose* Let this be a lesson for us; we shouldn't rely too much on technology as it always breaks down in the end. This planet is a monument to what happens when you let technology take over people's lives. Now lets get back to the ship, I'm going to spend some quality time in the captain's rest-room. *laugh*
*Suddenly, an evil Suliban drops from the sky.*
Suliban: Captain, I'm here to kill you to alter the future.
*Shoots gun.*
TO BE CONTINUED...

I fear the result of a breakdown would be much worse, although not (immediately) fatal.

Consider: if you never had to poo... never, ever in your life... you'd never be potty trained.

And the point of potty training is not to teach you to poo... it's to teach you NOT to. A breakdown would not lead to constipation, it would lead to an epidemic of extremely dirty pants...

EEeeeuuuwwww!

SoRB