h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I've been checking out the pages on death looking for the answer to a particular question but I couldn't see it. I wonder if anyone can help me. My father recently died in a nursing home. We were called by the staff to say that he was near death and of course we went to the home immediately. When I arrived, he had a slightly waxy appearance, his eyes were open and I honestly couldn't tell if he was breathing or not. My brother was there and told me a personal care worker was just in the room and said Dad's breathing was shallow but he was still alive. About 30 minutes later, she returned and said, "He's gone" but I couldn't see any difference except he was slightly more waxy in appearance. I cannot stop wondering if he was already dead when I got there. The PCW just touched him and pronounced him "gone" so what was the difference? I had spoken to him and touched him and I honestly couldn't say whether he was dead or not.

My question is, how soon after death does the body assume this waxy look? Or, does it begin before death?

Sorry, told you it was morbid. It's Sunday morning in Toronto, cool, bright and we still have snow.

Hi there, I don't know the specific answer to your question on the timing of a waxy appearance, but hope the following experiences may be of some use. As a nurse I used to work with both adults and children, and specialised in caring for children with cancer and other life threatening conditions. So, I have cared for quite a few patients of all ages when they have been dying. Skin changes, such as it's colour and temperature can occur before someone dies, particularly if there is a gradual deterioration in condition as opposed to a sudden death. As the person's breathing becomes very slow and intermittent, it can sometimes be difficult to be sure of the exact moment of death, (without the use of gadgetry, which would usually be inappropriate when death is expected.) The health worker may have felt for your fathers pulse, as well as observing for the abscence of breathing, and breathe sounds, before deciding he had died. A pulse can be felt for quite subtlely.

Would it help you to speak to the health worker, for more detail? It would not be unusual for relatives to want to ask questions and to know more. So, I would guess that the staff at the nursing home would be used to these types of conversation.

I hope you find some answers.

Thank you so much for answering my question. I think that you've answered the question much better than the personal care workers in the nursing home. I feel more confident that we did make it to his bedside before he died. Thank you again.

I'm glad it helped, because I know how painful it can be when someone you love dies. My father died 19years ago, and even though I'd studied and knew all the theories about 'the grieving process', of course it gave me no protection against my own grief. I found that it's one of those life experiences that it's difficult to be prepared for. I knew it would be difficult, but not that difficult. I also realise that it's a very personal experience with no rights or wrongs. So, take care and 'do it your way'.

we were at my dads bedside when he died in hospital 5 months ago.his last few seconds were spent really struggling for breath and then he was gone.the nurse came in and confirmed that he had gone but she said a strange thing that has had me puzzling ever since.she told us to keep talking to him as he could still hear us....she said that 'hearing' was the last of the senses to shut down.i would've thought that once a person is dead then thats it,no awareness whatsoever.strange...

My dad died two months ago, and I can definitely relate to what is being said here. I seem to remember that he had a very waxy appearance all that morning. He seemed to struggle for a short time, went quiet, and suddenly grimaced gently and breathed his last. It was somewhat difficult for us to know if he was really gone or not - he had faded away to nothing in the months leading up to his death.

I am fortunate in that I still have both parents, but I can understand torontonianeh's unease and urgent desire to know exactly when his father died. Perhaps it is a gradual process where no single second can be pinpointed.

Another sign I have heard signalling death (apart from the change in skin texture) is that people sleep far more.

My condolences to all of you with recent bereavements.

My dad suffered from dementia. He lost his ability to recognize numbers very quickly but almost to the last day he enjoyed music. From the limited reading that I've done, hearing is one of the last senses to be affected. Having said that, I would assume that once someone is dead, that would be it.

It's interesting, isn't it? When we were at dad's bedside, I told him that he didn't have to wait any more as we were all there. It was shortly after that that the personal care worker came in and said that he was gone. Although he couldn't recognize any of us, was unable to verbalize and had virtually no motor skills did he understand what I said? Was that the key for him to let go of life? I hope that he was able to chose the moment when he died.

To everyone else who has responded, thank you. I'd also like to send my condolences to you all.