h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I got sent these from someone in Australai and to my knowledge they are all true. Qantas has the best accident record of any airline, most probably due to their safety aware pilots and magnificent ground crew/engineers. Here's a snippit of communications between afore mentioned pilots and ground crew...

(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
----------------------------------------
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
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P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
----------------------------------------
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
----------------------------------------
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode
produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
----------------------------------------
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
----------------------------------------
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
----------------------------------------
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
----------------------------------------
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
----------------------------------------
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
----------------------------------------
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
----------------------------------------
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
----------------------------------------
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
----------------------------------------
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
----------------------------------------
P: Noise coming from under instrument
panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Made me giggle
HF

I've seen some of those before. But they still make me laugh.

B

I have seen them before but I suspect they originated from the military rather than Quantas. I don't believe Quantas has Target Radar fitted to their aircraft, unless there is something that Quantas is not telling the rest of World.

But, in contrast, there aren't many military aircraft with more than two engines.

B

Well of the top of my head there is the B-52 (eight engines), C-130 (four engines), Nimrod (four Engines), C-17 (four engines)

None of which are in-service in the RAAF.

http://www.iridis.com/tzsb/List_of_aircraft_of_the_RAAF

B

But the P3-Orion (four engines), C-130 Hercules, (four engines) Boeing 707 as an in flight refuler (four engines) are.

Yes, I've seen these all before in several different locations.

No bad thing in repeating them here though

I've seen some of those before, but they are still funny!

Cat installed.

I also suspect this is a military list, especially because of:

"P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode."

I'm not sure why Qantas would install an "interrogate friend or foe" system on their airliners...

H.

It is military, the earliest version I have found of the internet/email version is USAain, but there were reports like this going around for a long time before that as far as I can tell.

But it is still funny, one of my favourites it must be said.
You find various real/imagined ones on the internet from all sorts of air companies/forces.

IFF: identify friend/foe

I think you have to be in the same room with a person to interrogate him.

If you all get into a fight about whether or not these are millitary or civillian aircraft I am available to hold you anoraks for you.

I think they're military.

There is no argument. They *are* military.

>> I think you have to be in the same room with a person to interrogate him. <<

Not if it is done automatically by radio. If one radio interrogates another they can be hundreds of miles apart. Bit technical this. Computers interrogate each other all the time over the Inernet when humans are not looking.

"Computers interrogate each other all the time over the Inernet when humans are not looking."

The machines! They talk about me behind my back you know. they do. I can hear them whispering!

You had better believe it!