h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I've had trouble recently trying to get people excited about attending MY church. So I thought I would turn to you ragamuffins for a little 'salt of the earth', 'I wouldn't go near them with a bendy pole and a immunologist' advice.

So as in the parlance of these days

How do I make the church...

* deep rouge blush *

...'SEXIER' ?

- It's a good thing Adam & Eve weren't so prudish.

1) Replace stodgy, overweight, middle aged preachers with professional wrestlers.

2) Replace choir with "God's Cheerleaders."

3) Substitute 'Midnight Orgy' for 'Midnight Mass' on Christmas Eve and Easter.

Do this, and I'd attend, and I don't even believe you exist. In fact, I don't believe this conversation exists.

Five simple words can answer your questions: "SPANDEX!"
I think that spandex is five words, well it should be, and when are you gonna paint my fence? I prayed for you to do it and gave you some muffins as sacrifice.

Well God - almighty, I hate to tell you this, but church is kinda already sexy. People are just afraid to tell you.

Now I don't mean sexy in that spandex, cheerleader way. Just in that... well.. err... some people like to play. But- Not me, God, not me! HONEST! Look up my file! My name is.. er... Jenchurch.

But I've *heard* that all the church really needs are a few more semi - hidden corners and maybe some blankets strewn around the pews. And those kneel-prayer ottoman things can leave nasty bruises on your back... maybe make those softer? But it's Not me, God, NOT ME! Jenchurch. Go look. I dare you.

Jenchurch M. Mercury
Who didn't do ANYTHING! HONEST!

Hmmm....Yes.... I've never quite seen the similarity between pious religious services with wrestling, but I see your point. I would hope most people have been grappling with the 'big-one' whilst being drawn up to a pew, so throw in a quick suplex or two by the vicar, it should do wonders for concentrating the mind.

The orgy was always a central part of Roman religious practice (well the Ceasers always thought of themselves as 'gods'), so it's perhaps something that needs some thought, mainly along the lines of 'did I really make humanity THAT perverse !'.

Yes, Fenchurch. It's long been noted on our 'microfish' files up here of you noctural activities. We only turned a blind eye because the pews always ended up beautifully 'buffed' by the end of the night. Still religious fervour can do that to a girl.

Anyway, most of the vicars I have corresponded with have been in favour of such perverted activities. Mainly being, because they have been up to many of them outside of 'office hours', as it were, for a long time...

- They say the fishing stocks have depleted worldwide - not half as much as the soul-saving business.

If you want to start with a small change, to ease into the new sexier church, well add some color photographs to the scenes and forget the bloody fig leaves.

Well if you might want a bit od advise from one of the plyers of the trade as it were, I have had good luck with my Brownies. They are often soaked in alcohol, and that always seems to make people want to take off their clothes. And Fenny, you have not been to services in a while! -Archbishop Marv

* tries hard not to look aghast at the suggestions. Trying to get with the new, hip, daddyio generation, who think of fornication as the new contact sport for all ages *

Yes, the fig leaves could go, I'll just make believe the scenes were painted in autumn The spindoctors at the Vatican couldn't cope with the implication that Adam & Eve were pretty going at it most of the time, well they couldn't watch television (just you do the stats on babies born after a prolonged power strike - 9 months earlier).

Yes, I had overlooked alcohol...

* thinks to self : Absinthe... *

Well, it's always been apart of the Irish religious experience. They practically ration it to the Priest up that way. You can't fault them for the devotion to their Church, their practically killing each other up there to prove how worthy they are

In regards to Ms.Fenchurch, I can vouch for her attendance at Church, she just hasn't been - upright...

- don't be a sod, go for the lamb of god.

ohh, you could add internet stations to every pew. Oh wait, you want the church to be sexier, not dorkier. Sorry, my bad.