h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Here are two beauts from a performance appraisal I have to fill out.

"Proactively identifies issues and uses fact based analysis in developing long lasting solutions"

"Leverages resources to deliver cost effective solutions to new business issues"



Can anybody find better than this?

Woodpigeon

Before I'd heard of corporatespeak I used to call this 'fake business talk'. Especailly when you see two business types walking down the street having loud conversations along the lines of

"We must extrapolate the expenditure of the head office rationale and get down to some serious thinking outside the box" as if they want everyone to hear them and conclude "oooh you're important".

With me it's "ooooh you've got a small nob".

my analysis is usually done by shooting fish in a barrel ,so it's good to see someone's taking it seriouslyOh Boy !?

You'll never be taken seriously unless you put the word 'paradigm' in there, you know.

B

I read somewhere that 'paradigm' is one of the most missused words.

A friend was in a meeting at the university he works at, and it was a 'team meeting' or something.... The head boss guy was talking about something.... And said something like what has been said here, it might have been 'need to task up' or something, I'm not sure. At which point my friend left, saying something along the lines of he didn't want to sit in a meeting with seeming inteligent people if they can't be bothered to use a recognized form of English. Don't think my friends promotion prospects are too good

"let's touch base" was one of my former boss's faves.

aarrghhhh!
If I hear the P-word one more time I'll...I'll...

Ah I had always thought of that as manager speak as they're the only plonkers I see using it.

I love the clothes they wear. Ever noticed the littles clues.
Dirty shoes. Semen stains etc.

I'm due for my Performance Contract Review any day now and wish I'd brought home the forms so I could share some of the complete and utter mince with you.
I regard myself as being reasonably intelligent but this load of 'corporate-speak' is almost incomprehensible to me.
Watch this space and I'll give you some examples later............

It's said 'people are basically the same' but I reckon there is definitely a breed of people who are on a completley different wavelength (planet) to the rest of us.

And is it just me or do they not 'get' irony?

Thankfully, corporate-speak is not in major use at my organisation (one of the country's older unversities so it's a bit antiquated...) although attempts are being made.

Recently there was a meeting of 'key-enablers' to discuss the 'emerging capability development' of the 'functional cross-regional talent base'.

Fortunately, I wasn't there....

Of course, you could always try this...

http://www.prweb.com/releases/2003/11/inktomi88004.php

I may or may not be having a review soon. If so I will share some of the manager speak if it hasn't already come up by then.

OK, just as long as you're proactive about it.

Many moons ago, there was a game called "Meeting Bingo", whereby everyone in a meeting would print out a card before the meeting began, with random buzzwords and phrases in the boxes. The first person to complete a line (either by someone saying the phrase, or using it themselves to help the game along) then shouted out "Bingo!" and was declared the winner.

Never actually saw it carried out IRL, though.

An example can be found here: http://www.tysknews.com/LiteStuff/bingo.htm

I really should have read the link in post 14 first, shouldn't I?

I'll get me coat.

To read anymore than a summary would be outside the spirit of this thread.

I trsut you mean "executive summary"?

...and, of course, never spell check before posting...

"trsut" means "trust", obviously...

...unless I was "spelling outside the box"