h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The International Olympic Committee
Chateau de Vidy
CH-1007
Lausanne
SWITZERLAND



Dear IOC

Ref: Proposals for Olympic Expansion

I note with some interest that you allowed some new sports at the Sydney Games in 2000. This is an especially exciting development for me as I am absolutely hopeless at anything you have had on offer previously. Consequently, with the Athens Games just around the corner, I am lobbying for the inclusion of the following sports in order that I too have the opportunity of bringing home gold in 2004.

...

French Cricket

Since the IOC have seen fit to admit baseball and rounders, it is a natural progression that cricket should be awarded Olympic status, and all three kinds merit admission. My interest, French cricket, involves one player in speedos standing on a beach whilst the opposing team encircle him and try to hit his unpadded legs with a tennis ball/cricket ball/pebble. He (the batsman) is equipped with only a children's cricket bat with which to protect himself. The missile must be hurled from where it stops, or is stopped. The batsman is out if caught or injured. Winner stays on.

Bravo!!!

Boules

Also French, and known colloquially as Petanque. Boules is the chic Gallic variant on the game that those from the British Empire know as lawn-bowls, but where a player is required to toss his ball jauntily rather than genteelly rolling it towards the jack. Ooh la la. Uniform includes a beret, a string of onions and 20 Gauloises Famous petanque players are believed to include Marcel Marceau, Zinedine Zidane and Tabatha Cash.

Doggy Style

Another stroke for the pool, although I need some practice here to get my stamina up.

I presume you mean 'doggy paddle'. 'Doggy style' usually has a quite different connotation, especially in connection with indoor sports!

How about an event to see how many performance enhancing drugs you can take on board without anyone finding out?
we've got some of those events already.

Synchronised Pole Vault

The synchronised pole vault event would combine the subjectivity of the traditional pole vault with the objectivity of synchronised diving. Marks would be awarded for the height of the bar, grace and style, as well as tricks and stunts performed by the athletes from the moment of launch until the point of impact in the sandpit. All eight athletes from each team would be required to vault simultaneously and marks would be deducted for being out of synch throughout the routine or for failing to clear the bar.

Sawn-Off 12-Bore

This exciting variation to the existing shooting-events requires teams to carry out a daring bank-raid whilst sporting hosiery. Points can be awarded for style-in-execution followed by a swift getaway. Meanwhile, points can be deducted for failing to use the appropriate vernacular. Capture will mean automatic disqualification and a lengthy spell doing porridge.

American football.

Come on, you know you want to...

Yeah, you know I don't!

Okay, okay.

Hmmm...

How about Canadian football?

Go on, in the interests of multinantional diversity, write 20-30 words about "gridlock" and you'll get a virtual dividend.

Ah.

So then I should cut the joke short here by simply mentioning Aussie rules football, Gaelic football and rugby football in the same post and be done with it, then?

Kiss Chase

Kiss chase is a pedestrian version of cycling pursuit and will be most popular with the sexual equality lobby as both male and female competitors are encouraged to participate in a single rubber. I am especially keen to organise a demonstration of this event at your palace in Switzerland, and recommend that you invite such luminaries as Elle MacPherson or Demi Moore, with whom I could perform my act. (See also Post 5.)

men's syncho swimming

Go on, what's the attraction there?

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/84/84aswimmers.phtml

still trying to find a video clip of it, but it stars Martin Short and Harry Shearer and is one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

Croquet, absolutely!

Please note that sipping tea of proper china cups and/or having cucumber sandwiches during the game should be considered appropriate and in no way associated with doping.