h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hey...

I just need a little help here, please... This morning my girlfriend told me, just before taking off for work, that she is going to a concert tonight with another guy. I do know him and so far she just called him a friend. I am mightily angry at her, because she just asked me once about two weeks ago if I would come with her. I said that I wasn´t sure, because we had just seen this band perfom 2 days ago. She never mentioned the topic again and this morning just tells me that she has (is that the word for this) that with this other guy. I feel really really really §$%&§!§$*#@ about this.

Any comments would be greatly appreciated

Chili...

Hmm, be afraid, be very afraid.

I don´t think it sounds very good honestly.

I am... I am... thats why I am posting here... do you reckon there is anything I could/should do?

Chili.. getting desperate

Well, show up at the concert. Or at least be sure to stay up untill she comes home.

Show up at the concert... not that I have not thought about this... but isn´t this like spying on her? It might be an idea, but somehow Imfind it pretty disgusting to stalk my own girlfriend. Makes the whole relationship look pretty ridiculous, doesn´t it...

And staying up until she comes will probably kill me... I might just tell her that I am coming with her... and see what she says

Is that an idea?

BTW thanks for your help xanatic...

chili

I'm no relationship expert, but it can be unhealthy to restrict your friends to a single sex. We live in a society in which both sexes (should) enjoy an equal footing. IMO it is perfectly possible for your partner to have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex.

One thing that never helps is jealousy. If your girlfriend wants to be with someone else, it's not something that can be helped by restricting her. That's only going to make her want to break free. If you want things to work out between you two (this is a cliche but it's true) you're going to have to trust each other. Which includes letting her go out to gigs with someone else. If she does end up 'doing the dirty' on you, the it's better you find out now than later.

I might have written this a bit wrong... I am not really jealous (ok, yes I am, but I can manage)... what really annoys me is that she did not tell me. Or, better, the way she told me, just this morning while getting out of my car and slamming the door shut right afterwards. She can go out with him I don´t mind, just as long as she doesn´t make me feel like she doesn´t want me to come and doesn´t tell me, but sort of "sneaks out of the house"

Chili

Yeah, that´s also what I got out of it. The problem not being she goes with a guy, but that she tells him right before she goes so he has no chance of stopping her. Making it seem like she did have something to hide.

And as for trust, surely the proper order must be to not enter a relationsship with someone you don´t trust. "Learning to trust" someone is not any good. That´s just the same as ignoring when they let you down.

Maybe she took offence of you not wanting to do with her at the first place?

TYPO!
*do*=replace=*go*

well... yeah, that might be.. But hey, she doesn´t want to do everything I do and vice versa. So far this has never been a problem. I think...

But anyways I just realised that on this very day we have been together for 9 months...

Chili, just when you think it could have come worse, it does...

I don't want to do the same things my boyfriend does but I still liked if he did the same things I do. People are selfish deep down inside.
Anyway, I believe the only way to clear the air is to discuss it with her. Here everything is just a wild guess.

As it is a sort of anniversary, it's all the more reason for you to say you are coming along. Her reaction should speak volumes. You could even say that you had acted vague before because you wanted to buy tickets as a surprise for your anniversary.

You couldn´t know, but there are no tickets needed, it´s for free...

And anyway, why would she agree on a date 2 weeks ago, if I might buy tickets...

And yes, I do agree the best way would be discussing, which I am surely gonna do tonight...

I just wanted a couple of opinions on this..

Chili, thanks for the help...

You could go with a friend yourself (even better if it was a girl !). This wouldn't be stalking because you could go straight up to her. She surely wouldn't object. You could mention your 9 month anniversary which you didn't want to miss. This would let her friend know you were a serious item in case he thinks he's in with a chance.

It's only a concert, how's the rest of your relationship?

You sound really worried.

I react just the same as you, and it ruins things every time.

I can only assure you that turning up is a bad idea, it will push her into his arms (or at least out of yours) even if she has not intention of it now.

Tell her you don't mind her going (and really, don't, it should be cool), but tell her you were a bit hurt and maybe jealous (don't tell her you just assumed she was about to run off with this other guy), tell her this made you understand how much you care about her, tell her she's special to you, that you miss her when she's not there, and that you'd rather go to places you don't like than not be with her.

Then again, if you're anything like me you'll have to learn to give her some space too.

Why not ask if she fancies meeting after the gig and doing something, having a meal maybe, by way of aniversary celebration? It's seems better to me that just turning up at the concert - and don't listen to anyone who says "turn up with a girl - it'll make her jealous", you will never be forgiven, nor should you be.

That sounds normal to me.
Going to the concert, especially with another girl is an agressive act. It causes lots of trouble usually. And don't try to make her feel quilty, please.

What you should do depends on what you want to happen. The Autist's advice seems the best to me because it is the most likely to have the best outcome.

Ask her if you have done anything to upset her. Even better than that say "I am really sorry if I have done anything to upset you".

Tell her stuff. Tell her you are crazy about her (if you are). And listen to whatever she says in reply.

Announcing that she is spending the evening with someone else with no notice whatsoever is not a behaviour that springs out of thin air. Have you done anything she might be annoyed about?

***B

Don't go to the concert and definately don't take a girl with you. Turning up will make you look possessive/obsessive/jealous and taking another girl will only complicate the situation.

When I was 17 I had two free tickets to a fabulous dance. I asked my boyfriend if he would like to go with me and instead of saying "yes" instantly, he played it cool and said hes wasn't sure if he could make it. Furious that he wasn't prepared to commit himself in advance to what was going to be a really fantastic evening out, I decided to ask his best friend (who I knew really fancied me). Needless to say it caused a major upset (mostly between him and his friend), but I went with his friend all the same.

The point of this story is I regretted asking the friend as I spent the entire evening 'fending' him off and wishing I was there with my boyfriend instead. Likewise, my boyfriend realised that playing it cool and aloof was not necessarily a good idea.

Sit tight, Chilli, just tell your girlfriend when you next speak to her how much you would have liked to have gone with her and then let the matter drop. She won't let it show, but she'll probably feel really guilty. Good Luck!!