h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

from the troubles I have with my computer, I've now read the small printand oh dear!


Your New Computer!

Congratulations! You have purchased an Anthrax 2000 A1M Multimedia Personal Computer with Digital Doo-Dah Enhancer. It will give many years of faithful service, if you ever get it up and running. Also included with your PC is a special bonus pack of free pre-installed software:- 'Lawn Mowing Planner', 'Blank Screen Saver', 'East Africa Route Finder' and 'X15 Submarine Mechanic' valued at over a fiver(£5), which will provide hours of pointless diversion whilst using up most of your computers spare memory. You are now ready to begin the installation so turn the page and lets get started!

Getting Ready:
Congratulations, you have successfully turned the page which means you have a high enough IQ to realize things don't look too good. If your delicate PC has arrived in a damaged box, possibly from miss-handling or being dropped, it will be doubtful that the box will be of any use and can be thrown away.

Important meaningless note:
The Anthrax 2000 A1M is configured to use the 80386, Z80 and ARMITAGE SHANKS processors running at 2,472 mg-hertz on variable speed spin cycle. Check your electrical installation and insurance policies before proceeding. Do not tumble dry. To prevent internal heat build up, select a cool, dry environment for your computer. The bottom shelf of a refrigerator is ideal. Unpack the box and examine its contents. (WARNING: do not open the box if contents are missing or faulty as this will invalidate your warranty. Return all missing contents in their original packaging with a note explaining where they have gone and a replacement will be sent within twelve working months.) Also, only open the box if you intend to use your PC as this will bind you to the terms and conditions set out in the manual, which will be sent to you when it has been written. The contents of the box (if you have the deluxe model) should include some of the following: Monitor with mysterious De Gauss button; keyboard with 2½ inches of flex; computer unit; miscellaneous wires and cables not necessarily designed for this model; 2,000 page 'Owners Manual' of which 1,987 pages are in 26 different languages; 'Short Guide to the Owners Manual'; 'Quick Start Guide' to the 'Short Guide to the Owners Manual'; 'Laminated Super-Kwik Set-Up Guide for People Who Are Exceptionally Impatient or Stupid'; 1,167 pages of warranties, vouchers, notices in Spanish and other loose pieces of paper; 292 cubic feet of cardboard and Styrofoam packing material.

All our PC's are subjected to a rigorous 24 hour 'Burn In - Burn Out' test. Please wipe off any soot from the case before using.

Something They Didn't Tell You When You Ordered: Because of the additional power hungry needs of the Computer like switching it on, you will need to acquire an Anthrax 2000 A1M auxiliary hardware upgrade pack, a 900 volt memory capacitor for the auxiliary hardware pack, a 50 megahertz oscillator for the memory capacitor, 64 Gigabytes of additional memory for the oscillator and a small electrical substation.

Setting Up:
You are now ready to set up your PC. If you have not yet acquired a degree in Electrical engineering, now is the time to do so. Connect the monitor cable (A) to the port side outlet unit (D); attach power offload unit sub-orbiter (Xii) to the co-axial AC/DC servo channel (G); plug the three-pin mouse cable into the keyboard housing unit (make an extra hole if necessary); connect modem (B2) to offside parallel audio/video line out jack. Alternatively, plug the cables into the most likely looking holes, switch on and see what happens. Additional meaningless note: The wires in the ampoule modulator unit are marked as follows: blue = neutral or live; yellow = live or blue; blue and live = neutral and green; black = instant death. Plug in, switch on, and retire to a safe distance. If after plugging in and switching on your PC nothing happens, the items sent to you may have been
mislabelled. Please try plugging in the box. Should your computer appear to be working, please contact us immediately as we may need to employ you.
Now its time to install your Microsofarsogood software. Insert Disc A (marked 'Disc D' or 'Disc G') into Drive Slot B and type 'Set up' and press Return. If your keyboard does not have a return key, simply press the small spring lever where the Return button should be and wait. After installation, you will be asked to enter your License Verification Number. Your License Verification Number can be found by entering your Certified User Number, which can be found by entering your License Verification Number. If you are unable to find your License Verification or Certified User numbers, call the Software Support Line for assistance. (Please have your License Verification and Certified User numbers handy as the support staff cannot otherwise assist you.)
If you have not already lost faith, please insert Installation Diskette 1 in Drive Slot 2 (or vice versa) and follow the instructions on your screen. (Note: owing to software modifications, some instructions will appear in Romanian) At each prompt, select an option most suitable for the installation. As a rule of thumb and general to most installations, the Exit option is always a good bet. If the installation fails with an error message '## Not enough disk space ##' then you should have bought a bigger disk. If the installation is successful, insert Diskette 2, marked 'Diskette 1', and repeat the previous steps with each of the 187 other disks. Should you be unfortunate enough to receive an error message that says: Invalid file path. Abort or Continue? Be warned , Selecting 'Continue' may result in irreversible drive damage and loss of memory. On the other hand, selecting 'Abort' may result in irreversible drive damage and loss of memory. Please select the most appropriate option. When installation is complete, make sure your computer is plugged into the phone socket, type in your Name, Address and Credit Card details and press 'SEND'. This will automatically register you for our free software prize, 'Blank Screen saver IV: Night Time in Deep Space', and allow us to pass your name to lots and lots of computer magazines, online services and other commercial enterprises, who will be getting I touch shortly. If you should see numerous miscellaneous debits on your credit card, this is perfectly normal as it verifies that your modem is working correctly. Please be sure to fill in you warranty registration form and send it to us immediately. Failure to do this will result in us not receiving it.


You are now ready to use your computer:
Here are some simple exercises to get you off to a flying start:

Writing a letter: Type 'Dear' and follow it with the name of someone you know. Write a few lines about yourself, and then write 'Sincerely yours' followed by your own name. Print it off on your new printer that you are about to order from us and voilà!

Saving a file: To save your letter, select File Menu. Choose 'Save As', Choose 'Recycle Bin' as the location and press 'OK'. Alternatively, write it in long-hand on a sheet of paper and place it in a drawer.

Advice on using the Spreadsheet Facility: Don't!

Troubleshooting Section: You will have many, many problems through the life of your computer. These are quite normal and commonplace so don't send anything back to us.

Here are a few problems you may encounter and their solutions:

Problem: My computer won't turn on
Solution/Advice: This is perfectly normal

Problem: My keyboard doesn't seem to have any keys.
Solution/Advice: Turn the keyboard the right way up.

Problem: My foot pedal wont work
Solution/Advice: Try using it on the mouse mat instead

Problem: My CD rom won't work.
Solution/Advice: This is not a CD-rom, it's a coffee holder.

Problem: I have made a mistake in the word processor. How do I change it?
Solution/Advice: Tip-Ex over the mistake and type it in correctly.

Problem: I keep getting a message saying 'General Protection Fault'
Solution/Advice: This is probably because you are trying to use the computer. Switch the computer to OFF mode and any messages will disappear.

Problem: What exactly will my warranty cover?
Solution/Advice: Its big enough to cover your mouse mat

Problem: My PC is a useless piece of junk
Solution/Advice: You need to upgrade to the Anthrax 3000 A10M turbo model with exclusive limited ability, or trade your PC in for our pen and paper set. **


** Due to problems with some of our pens, the pen and paper set has been discontinued.

Thank you for your purchase from us....

I just can't wait till I buy my first PC.. Really brilliant stuff,Prof.

Superb!!!!

zdt

How odd... thats almost identicle to the instructions I got with my PC, but this is a differnt make to yours; I got the CJD 2001 BSE advanced subfailure 4.6 GHZ variable bit rate chrome alloy advanced model, its the delux model as it comes with twice as many seemingly unnecessary cables

buy an apple mini mac intel*


* warning do no use to operate a nuclear power plant.

That's one of the funniest things I've ever read, Prof!




Jab

That's shocking, and where can I get that Submarine Mechanic software?

You know with macs, not only do you get a Powerful Unix OS but it also just works straight out of the box.

my friends, I can not take any glory from this journal entry, it was sent to me, by a friend who lives in Canada and as you know me! I will never use anyone for my own ends(wish it was mine though)

This is brilliant!

Brilliant Prof. Only thing missing there was the 'to make slight adjustments use a 4 pound lump hammer'

Oh, Animal, that's the best laugh I've had in ages.

I am torn between a PC and an Apple Mac some time in the new year, and having read that, which rang rather too true, I think I might take Pheloxi's advice and stick with a Mac!!

I have a little trouble with compatibility between Macs and PCs, mainly Microsoft's fault (what isn't?), but find Macs a joy to use. They have a sense of humour too which is singularly lacking with PCs I have seen

Thanks again for the titter. Oh, and I liked the Post above, about the lump hammer!! Definitely my kind of person!!



Websailor

smiles are what it's all about

Traveller in Time on his head
"It does not go way beyond the truth you know, I had a call with musof today.

Automated voice half clear inbetween switching clicks 'if you enter the sixty numbers correctly you will get a chance to upgrade your product' then you have about five seconds to type all the numbers on the upside down telephone pad . After three attempts I finally get connected to a real

>Automated voice's< are redundant Borg from Star Trek

connection is useless, you will be assimilated or transferred

Resistance is Futile!

Very funny piece, prof, thanks for sharing.

your welcome B'El, just fulfilling my role in life..to instil humour to the masses

Good idea, there aren't too many things to laugh at nowadays.

err! meI'm worth a laugh any day

Well, Prof, even a decade-and-a-half later, this made me laugh out loud. It brought back memories of just how janky some of those early PCs used to be. Now it's all seamless, behind-the-scenes, "user friendly", and if it doesn't work right... well... it doesn't work. Isn't it funny how ~that~ part still hasn't changed?

B4werealizeourphonesR10timessmarterthanthePCsweused2own