h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*In desperation, tries to communicate via blinking in morse code. Unfortunately, Butch knows neither morse code, nor how to read/write.*

*the web material spun around Butch Cadbury begins to biodegrade, making it increasingly brittle and fragile*

*the countdown in Lindt's pocket continues*

beep... beep... beep...

*A macaraccoon falls down the chimney onto Butch, looks around then quickly scurries back up. The impact, however, has cracked the legs of Butch's casing. Butch struggles and manages to free his legs, then sit up. With some effort, he manages to stand, then walk over to where Lindt and Hersh are standing. He swivels to stare at one, then the other, then he starts wildly kicking them both.*

!

*the web-mummy casing is now beginning to fall apart of its own accord*

beep... beep... beep... beep...

! ! ..OTIC IMBECILES WITH HALF A BRAIN BETWEEN...

Hey! I can talk!

*Pushes outwards with his arms and breaks free of his cocoon. Is so overjoyed with his new-found freedom that he forgets to be angry with the others. Grabs their arms and starts dancing around.*

Woo hoooooo!

*Eventually settles down and goes to sit behind the security desk. Glances at the surface of the desk and notices the pile of blank incident report forms in a tray. Frowns.*

Hey guys. I'm pretty sure we just had an incident. And you know what that means.

*the box in Lindt's pocket commences to emit an ear-splitting electronic feedback squeal*

*Covers ears*

Arrrgggghhhhh! How many times do I have to tell you, Lindt - leave your custom Karaoke amp at home!

Now, fill these out, guys.

*Distributes incident report forms*

Remember, they want them in triplicate. Okay, now who knows how to write?

An' more important, who's got the crayon?

Har, har, very funny, Lindt.

*Bends over his paper and painstakingly fills in some of the blanks. Pauses, scratching his head*

Hey Butch, who'd you put down under "date"?

*the screech from the money box finally stops and the box falls open inside Lindt's pocket, with an audible snap*

*five heavy 10-moxon coins fall to the bottom of his pocket*

*in the other pocket, the spidercambot has ceased to beep and is now grower incrementally warmer inside its filament cocoon*

*When the coins drop into Lindt's pocket, his pants fall down around his ankles. He looks around wildly.*

Okay, who did that?

*Looks up from the various x's and squiggles he has been putting into the boxes on his form.*

Did wha...HAR HAR HAR...look at Lindt's pants everyone...HAR HAR HAR...I think you had too much chili for lunch, Lindt, yer pants are still smokin' where yuh blew them down around yer ankles...HAR HAR HAR

*the spidercambot incandesces and bursts in a brief flame, consuming part of Lindt's trousers before going out*

*the moxon coins clank as they hit the ground*

*Looks, open mouthed, at his pants and the coins. Then slowly looks up at the ceiling.*

Thank you, Lord, for the money. But ah had somethin' diffrent in mind when ah asked fer somethin' hot in mah pants.

*Signs his name on his report, crossing the 'X' with a flourish.*

There. All done in triplicate. Now, where wuz we supposed to take these, Butch?

*With his tongue poking out of the side of his mouth, Butch concentrates furiously on finishing his report. Finally, he finishes.*

Hope y'all pressed hard so that it went through all the copies.

*Butch's report is mostly shredded, since he pressed so hard that his pen literally went through all the layers and carved a groove in the desk beneath.*

If they can't read this, they can come down to this here desk and take a rubbing. Har har har.

Now we gotta take these down to Admin. Level 2, I b'leive.

*Stands up.*

Everyone finished?

*Throws his report into the fire*

Whyzn't ya'll jus use the 'spress delivery choot, like I jus done?

Hey, is those Moxons? Real Moxons?

Now Kid, doncha remember from our inchocdrination classes that "all incident reports must be delivered in person to the incidental officer on Admin. Level 2 no later than blah blah blah."

*Notices the coins*

Oooo. Where's yuh get those?

*Pulls up his pants, which now have a large hole with a charred edge in the side of one leg. Picks up the coins and puts them in his pocket. The pants fall to the floor again. Lindt pulls them back up, and walks over to the security desk, holding the pants up with one hand. He rummages in a drawer and pulls out a length of twine. With considerable difficulty, and several ups and downs of the pants, he manages to thread the twine through the belt loops and ties it in a tight double knot. Almost immendiatly, a pained look crosses his face.*

I gotta go pee.

*Rolls his eyes*

Well, I'm not waitin' round no more. Come on, let's go.

*Exits to Administration Offices thread.*