h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

For no good reason at all, except that I'm in an odd mood, I invite you to consider a big heap of salad in a glass-fronted shop counter. This isn't all that odd when you consider that the shop is a greengrocer's, and this particular greengrocer also has a lunch counter. The thing is, though, that it has a Great Big Sign on the glass, proclaiming that this is 'Today's Salad'.

That isn't so odd, really, but I can't help thinking it would be more interesting if there were another heap of less appealing vegetation labelled 'Yesterday's Salad'. Maybe there could also be a large, less attractive and somewhat grey and mysterious heap labelled 'Last Week's Salad'. That would certainly make 'Today's Salad' look a whole lot better by comparison.

A few shops further down the mall there's a poulterer. To be honest, it's called a chicken shop because nobody seems to know what a poulterer is any more. But that's another moan. What I want to ridicule is the sign on the cabinet displaying the roasted and ready to serve chickens. The sign says 'Our chickens are now Free Range!', or something to that effect. But that's a dirty great lie, isn't it? These chooks are dead. They are plucked, eviscerated and cooked. They are, not to put too fine a point on it, completely stuffed. They are definitely not free range. If they were to be turned loose in the wild I doubt that they'd appreciate their good fortune.

Have I ever mentioned that grocery shopping gives me the irrits?

I knew from the title that this was one of yours, Ivan.

Meanwhile I can add "grocery shopping" to the list of activities I wish I lived close enough to accompany you for. I love your way of thinking about things- taking something that's "not so odd" and finding a way to make it so.

I have a fun lettuce-related story, too. A few years ago K and I were walking around in the zoo and I leaned over a Plexiglass wall to wave to a swimming polar bear. A couple of passersby slowed down and scolded me, something along the lines of "be careful, or that polar bear will eat you!". My response was not to be silly, polar bears don't eat people. Meaning, of course, that they eat fish and seals, no? But passerby #1 had to be a smart arse and snark back "Oh, so they're vegetarians, are they? What kind of vegetables do you think they find at the North Pole?". Before I could answer, and without missing a beat, K shot back "iceberg lettuce".

For that alone, K is worth keeping. I suspect you may have other reasons.

By the way, it just occurred to me that a 'shopping complex' sounds like something I have.

I knew it was one of yours too Ivan You have a certain style Lots of things like that irritate me, especially when I am in a certain kind of mood! Most of the time I take the view that 'life's too short' but thanks for the

Websailor

I'm currently sat in the hospital's staff cyber cafe, where a number of bemused diners are wondering why I nearly choked to death on my coffee! The "yesterday's salad" made me chuckle, but the Free Range, yet "totally stuffed" chicken is brilliant! I love the Iceberg Lettuce, too! Thank you both for giving me a really good laugh on an otherwise thoroughly boring day at work!

You've set me thinking, though...

The bit of legal bumph that states that if they show a bowl of cornflakes or whatever on the front of a packet, they have to write "serving suggestion" underneath, just to make sure that some moron doesn't think that the cardboard package contains a bowl, some milk, a portion of cornflakes, a spoon, and a table with a newspaper on it...

>By the way, it just occurred to me that a 'shopping complex' sounds like something I have.

You and me both, my dear.

It's true that K's sense of humor is one of many endearing qualities- he does come up with some really funny stuff. Every so often, I come up with one, too. A couple weeks ago I muttered something that made him laugh so hard he barfed. I take pride in having that sort of effect on people.

I'm glad there are other warped people out there that appreciate such silliness, too.

And I can definitely use some laughs today, so do keep the random idiotic thoughts coming.

I do wish I could make selected people barf just by being extremely witty, but it really is simpler just to slip an emetic into their coffee, or something.

As for the 'serving suggestion' thing - yes, it's absurd. They never show a chipped bowl of cereal with the contents going slightly soggy, being eaten with a plastic spoon by an unshaven stoner in front of daytime TV, do they? That at least would be truth in advertising.

Somewhere I have a cartoon showing a huge Baroque painting with a giant cornucopia spilling perfect fruit and vegetables in front of an array of nymphs and cherubs and French monarchs and so forth... One viewer is saying to another, 'It's only a serving suggestion'.

Excellent!

hehehe

I have a completely different shopping complex - huge shopping centres are the places where I feel relatively good and safe. It's the place where I feel most unnoticeable. Everybody is ever so occupied with all the shopping and such, so I can just.. drift.

Unnoticeable until you meat the local

Hati, I quite understand - when I'm not trying to buy things, shopping centres are good placed to drift about unnoticed by anyone. This allows me to watch people unobserved, which can be better than a trip to the zoo sometimes.

I used to go people watching with my mates when I was at school - the school was in the city centre. We used to see how many people we could fit into stereotypes, and have a good laugh at the same time.

Another good laugh in public - me and two mates would choose one of us to be "scorekeeper". He would walk off a short way. Of the remaining two, one would choose a random window, high up, or part of a roof, and start pointing, and staring. The other would follow suit. The scorekeeper would then count how many members of the public would look up to see what we were looking at. Extra points were gained for people who actually stopped to look, and top scores went if they actually asked,
"What are you looking at?"

To which we'd reply,
"We're seeing how many people we can make look up!"

I am so trying that sometime.

My daughter has tried it in the school playground - her history teacher was not impressed when he got duped, and the other kids started laughing...

post 14done similar and while in Spain (in the 1980's) me and mates went to a safari park and guess who started "taking" pictures of a fir tree, saying they'll never believe I saw "one" when I get back home, mates followed doing the sameas you do. We then sat back and watched scores of foreign people milling around the tree taking err photographs of nothing, SOME even SAW "it!"

I've seen it! It's a Chaos Animal!

So, does that mean the Prof's out of his tree?