h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The problem with public toilets is that at some time we all need to use one. Once in a while we all find our selves caught short and to far from home. At these times we have to contemplate the prospect of spending a penny in a public convenience. Or in these days of high prices more like 20 pennies.

The fun begins when you have paid your token and entered through the knee height turn style. It is at this point that you remember that Public Loo's, like so many of the world’s great mysteries, have three golden pillars of faith.

Pillar 1. The Seat
Pillar 2. The Paper
Pillar 3. The Lock

The holy grail of W.C. use is obviously to find all three of these pillars within a single cubicle, (they must be in their correct locations to fully count) However a traveler can count them selves lucky if they find only one of the above, two is a down right luxury.

The combination of Pillars can prove very important and it is here that personal taste and cleanliness come in to play. For example I find that doing with out paper is a none starter and I would hope this is the same for most of you out there. I used to carry a small packet of paper tissues with me at all times, in case the need to provide my own paper ever came up. However I soon found that it was impossible to have enough paper on you person at all times and that it only led to a false sense of security. So now when I check a cubicle I always go to the paper first and do try no to get caught out by the sight of a sheet hanging teasingly from a dispenser, you can be sure it will be the only one, so always check.

Next the seat I am led to believe that many of our female friends chose not to use a seat even when one is provided. Instead they manage some how to suspend them selves in mid air using only the force of their will to overcome gravity, a skill they are taught at an early age and passed down from mother to daughter in much the same way as shopping for shoes. So this section really applies only to our male readers. Now personally I can take or leave the seat. I have a wide rear end and can cope with the extra distance that the lack of seat generates. I can even put up with the cold hard porcelain as long as it is not damp from the last customer (see paper above). However for our more slim line friends no seat can spell danger and discomfort, if in doubt do not risk it. Another simple but all to often-made mistake is to believe that all seats are what they seem. Always check that the seat is properly secured as a loose one can lead to all sorts of unpleasant injuries. There are many stories of a side ways slippage trapping the unsuspecting gentleman.

Lastly the lock for the bashful amongst us a lock is an essential. There are few of us that are happy to do our business with an audience and the prospect of an uninvited guest in our cubicle makes the blood run cold. I know many of us have tried the "holding the door closed with a foot trick" but this can be tricky and often disrupts the body’s natural flow. I also offer one word of caution, a lock is only a lock if it locks, and I will say no more.

So there you have it, three little things that can make or break your day. My personal choice is that if only two golden papers are available I will always go for the paper and the lock. I leave it to you to decide your destiny.

One simple phrase can save you in that embarrassing moment when the lock fails and you are sat facing a complete stranger with your trousers around your ancles ... just smile and calmly say:

"I'm been waiting for you"

Better yet, grab a length of paper, hand it to the intruder and say, "Thank GOD you showed up, it seems I can't reach my backside!"

and I love you for standing up in the risk of embarrassment and working to save those in their time of need