h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I spent all day yesterday trying to get a hold of K. He did call me once and of course at that moment I was on-line. When I tried to call him his phone was forwarded straight to voicemail. He has been very difficult to get a hold of for several weeks and he doesn't call when he says he'll call. This is not his fault. He's injured his back and both of his elderly parents are unwell. He has been looking after them whenever he's not at work or he's been trying to rest his back. They do not let him rest very much. He used to be able to talk at work but his boss cracked down. As a result of all this he and I haven't had any meaningful conversation for almost 2 months. I keep hoping we'll be able to talk then we can't. He's also been on some heavy duty drugs for his back pain. So when we have talked he's been drugged. We make plans to talk later and it doesn't happen. I can't be mad at him but I can't continue the relationship like this. So I told him I couldn't "see" (in quotes cause it's been entirely long distance) anymore. I was feeling good. I wasn't having a crisis so I had to go and create one. I miss him. I'm going to hate myself for doing that but I just didn't know what to do! I couldn't even talk to him to see if we could work out the problem. And I do this to him when he really needs someone. I'm such an @$$hole. But I need to talk to him in order to have this relationship happen and we can't seem to do that right now. And I get extra @$$hole points cause I did it via email. But he doesn't answer his phone most of the time. I suggested we take a month off but his response suggested to me that it was over. Understandably cause I've basically abandoned him when he really needs support to deal with his parents and his physical health problem. God I'm an @$$hole.

Right now all I can do is and

Hellie, don't be so hard on yourself. Long distance relationships are hard to maintain under the best of circumstances. It sounds like the difficulties were beyond your control and no one's fault really. I know you are hurting, I hope you heal quickly.

alright sweetheart. I understand how you feel and how much youre beating yourself up about this. I think you do raelise though that it wasnt really going to work out anyway. That doesnt stop it hurting but soon the feeling will dull and it will be more of an ache rather than a gut wrenching stab.
Talk to us, get it out, and make sure you carry on doing all the normal things.

xx

Oh, poor you!

As the others have said, it seemed kind of like it may have happened anyway, but of course you are going to feel awful that it was you who precipitated it.

I am not very good at this sort of thing myself, so am probably the wrong one to come up with sensible advice, but certainly having friends helps & we are all here when you need to , or whatever.

zdt

I think you handled it great, myself.

Ending a relationship is always difficult and painful--if it wasn't, well, there'd probably be no reason to end it, would there? You could have strung him along until things got better, then broke it to him: that would've been worse. Worse still, what if things had *never* got better? You could have hung wistfully onto the end of the phone indefinitely. Seems to me you've nipped in the bud a gradual and mutual loss of self-worth. Very nicely done!

*agrees but is open to interpretation*

* from conversations list* Who's an @$$hole?

Oh, Hellie - you're not an @$$hole! And no way does it sound like you're letting him down with this - bad timing (just the general situation, rather than you) is what it sounds like and I agree with what has been said about doing it now rather than later, certainly if that's how you're feeling about things right now. I'm sorry to hear about this, but this doesn't sound @$$hole-esque in the slightest.

*passes the kleenex*

How goes it?

zdt

Crap still unfortunatly. I'd planned to have people to barbeque. I did go ahead and do that though I no longer wanted to. I thought it might cheer me up. It did distract me for a bit. But it ended and I feel crap again. I came inside to find a message that my Dad is in hospital for his heart. I guess he's OK but I have to get off and try and call my brother again. Thanks all.

zdt

hope your fathers ok
as for ending relationships I've never found a good way but if it wasn't going anywhere you probably did the right thing for both of you
no way are you an @$$hole
I've known some and been 1 from time to time so I should know

We're here if you need to talk Hellbound. IM anytime.

How's your dad doing now?

s all. I'm feeling much better today. Feeling more like it was the right thing to do even if he doesn't agree right now. I didn't rule out trying again in the future especially if I move out there which is looking more likely.

My dad is OK. I haven't actually been able to talk to him but it sounds like he's had another mild heart attack. He had a bypass about 5 years ago and I guess his new arteries are already clogged in spite of his relatively healthy lifestyle. He's lost weight, he's active, he eats very carefully but his cholesterol remains high. I think it's a side effect of lifelong emotional repression which does not lend itself to treatment.

So I'm talking again about moving out there (So Cal). Sooner rather than later cause my mom can no longer drive. K and his family live out there too so I will try to see him but I won't try to push things there. I hope I don't end up getting my hopes up again in that regard. But at least I won't be out there mostly cause of K but more because if my own family.

Now I just have to figure out how to get there. Do I pack all my stuff and take it with me? Or do I store most of it and just take a few things and see what happens. I don't really want to move there permanently but I don't know how long I'd stay. Do I try to fly out with my pets or do I get someone to drive me. I could drive myself if I hadn't had to sell my car. but it's not worth buying another car right now. Better to buy one in Cal rather than here.

I am overwhelmed today but I am much less and I have some energy so I'm gonna get off line soon and try to get some stuff done. I wish I didn't have to do it by myself. I hate that. Maybe I should go get some to help me.

"I wish I didn't have to do it by myself."

Can't you shamelessly abuse some of your acquaintances?

I used to create crisis when there wasn't one to get attention, its no big deal. It took 6/7 years before I could relax and realise I didn't have to be that way anymore. Its okay Hellbound, you don't have to be perfect, just keep trying, never give up. If you were perfect you would be boring! Women are allowed to be neurotic emotional messes you know, its what we do.

Also, whatever happens every now and then I have a crying fit, I then check my diary - its a full moon. Then, every now and then I have a complete crying, strop need to be left alone fit for a day or two, check the diary and yep, moon is in cancer. There appears to be some things you cannot fight, just warn people and accept them, make a joke of them!

Whats your star sign? I'll tell you next time the moon is in it, it can have a profound effect!

Hey there Hellbound

First of all, I really do hope your dad's okay. My dad has trouble with high cholesterol as well (also in spite of adopting a much healthier lifetyle, etc.), all that stress and repressing stuff really does take its toll. I'll be keeping your dad in mind and sending him lots of healing thoughts and energy.

Secondly, I'd like to address your potential forthcoming move to SoCal. I'm glad if you will have other motivations to relocate, such as family. It puts a lot less pressure on you in terms of potentially awkward situations, I would hope. And being closer to your family as well as a romantic interest might help as well. If it were me, I would probably pack up lock, stock, and barrel, in hopes of settling down with a "fresh" start, so to speak, rather than move some stuff and store some, just in case. But then again, you've got a life where you're at, and it is good to know you've got a place to come back to as well. I'm no help, I know!

As far as your email to K, I don't think you're an @$$hole for speaking your mind and being honest about the way you feel, either. The stuff we've talked about via email made it very clear that the limited contact was difficult- especially not being able to talk often enough or long enough. I tried a long-distance "relationship" myself, I've told you before. Obviously, the reasons for that not working out went well beyond the long distance, but it is still very difficult and can be very, very lonely! (And that, for me, was with very frequent contact) I know that feeling like you've turned your back and abandoned someone who desperately needs support right now can make you feel really bad, and guilty, and selfish, but I can promise you that you're not. In no way are you an @$$hole for wanting to at least take a break from, and gain some perspective on, a situation which has been quite literally making you kinda crazy for quite a while now.

I know I haven't been around as much lately, especially at weekends, but I am here for you if you need me, and will not only respond to email, but would be happy to talk with you on the phone if you wanted or needed that. I'm in default with the long-distance company- they keep declining my credit card for no apparent reason- but doemstic calls don't seem to be a problem at this point.

As for Kaz's advice about allowing yourself to be a neurotic mess if you need to be, especially in regards to your star sign- she knows what she's talking about! Kaz has been a real blessing in my life, a dear friend and the source of a lot of solace, comfort, and advice in the darkest hours. You can trust her advice- and you can trust your own gut instinct, it seems to have steered you well so far!

Yes, Snailrind I can and probably will abuse some of my acquaintances. Today however, an acquaintance called and wanted to go for thus saving me from doing the hated housestuff.

Kaz, I'm a Virgo, and very much so. K, btw is a Cancer, also very much so though I don't think he knows it. I should pay more attention to moon stuff. I just act with out thinking sometimes.

Earlier today I was convinced that breaking up with K was the right thing to to. Then I went to this giftie store and saw all these things that made me think of him, and then I went to see "Collateral" an action flick thinking it would distract me but no. It was set in Los Angeles where K has spent a lot of time driving around cause of his dad being in the hospital there and I kept thinking about how K likes action flicks and this was one I liked and could have seen with him. and now it is all I can do to not call him and tell him how much I miss him and I made a mistake to break up with him. I've had to convince myself not do to it.

PC, I can't bring myself to commit to living in CA forever. I really want to move back to MN someday. Right now though I'm having trouble making even the smallest decision. I was feeling so decisive earlier today too, but now very dull.

Hi Hellbound,

Don't push yourself to make many decisions just now, just the essential ones. You are going to feel confusion and heartache for a while - be patient with yourself. I am reminded of that song "There is always something there to remind me" -- boy is that true whenever I have broken up with anyone.