h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I found who I thought might be one of my cousin's long lost cyberbuddies over at Xanga. I think he really is too, but she did a picture of him as a gorilla and the gorilla was a brunette, all over, but this dude had a picture of himself on his site that showed of all people a blonde.

Subsequent close questioning in this continuing investigation revealed that it was a WIG!!! So the guy is a FAKE!! Just like all those chix at Hooters and Barely Legal who shave!

Which makes me suspect there aren't any real blondes anywheres in the world, despite what Delicia might claim.

In fact I bet there never were any blondes anywheres in the world because probably some time during the deep dark neolithic in Northern Europe, somebody figured out how to make peroxide by burning water in a pottery kiln and from then on they could bleach their hair to taste, or lack of it.

And later, during Gregor Mendel's time, they tried to disguise the deception by claiming it was a recessive gene, something that normally doesn't appear unless both parents have it, but we know now what both parents had, PEROXIDE!!! Cleverly hidden in the toilet tank where nobody's going to look, unless they're drunks. And then who would credit the sworn testimony of a drunk?

Clever counterfeiters ain't they?

I could send you proof of the existence of one blonde in the shape of a lock of my brightly blonde mane for in debth microscopic analysis, that is if i wasn't so darn cautious about who might get hold of my hair, and nailparings too. So blondes have to remain a myth, just like the Yeti and Nessi and similarly exciting, intriguing, mysterious creatures. Which we are. Blonde is beautiful!

Yup, I've had a few experiences of folks on the net saying they're something different from what they really are. When I had my first web-site up I got conned by an autralian who very cleverly convinced me that he was going to sponsor my site via paypal but that I'd need to send him all the content for him to 'place his ads in'. I was rather naive about the 'net at that point and obviously it ended up that he stole my site. Luckily I managed to track it down, including the provider, complained, giving the original file dates etc (his were obviously much later) and they closed him down. I'm very careful now about who I colaborate with now on the net and have a fortress of security around my mac.

Which only goes to prove you just can't be too careful.

While admittedly things have been slow at the voodoo factory lately with a shortage of things to keep in mason jars while we devise ways of trying to convince the ancestors to get more involved in current affairs, well, you just can't risk it anywmore. What with all the blood, sweat and tear born diseases, residues of brush wars and bushmeat, or whatnot, it just ain't safe.

People are reluctant to exchange anything, even bodily fluids. This might bode ill for the future of the race of course, especially for the highly suspect blondes, but there's always international adoption to take up the slack.

So if I were to get an alleged yeti scalp, sea serpent scale, or hank of ostensibly blonde hair for analysis I'd have to have it screened for traces of mosqito saliva, depleted uranium, computer worms, or any of a multitude of other bio or other hazards. More trouble than it's worth really.

So like you say, blondes will just have to remain the beautiful myths they are with no known scientifically credible way of confirming any of it.

And anyone who believes in blondes will need to join that heretical sect of cultists known as Blondians who believe in blondes as a matter of faith alone, except for the ones who believe they are blondes. Not sure what they should do. Maybe resume taking their medication again?

There was that brunette accosted me in the street, said she was a hairdresser apprentice, and would i like a free hair dye. Sez i, why would i want to be a bottle blonde instead of a real blonde, and wouldn't she like a free change of profession, afore any real damage was done?
But afterwards i got thinking ... yeah yeah, i know, slow on the uptake maybe ... she must of been a member of the worldwide brunette conspiracy for the extermination of blondes.
RAF also rings a bell only now, there was a German terrorist group, name of Rote Armee Fraktion, goin' strong 70 ies and 80ies i think, their sign was a red star crossed with an automatic.

Ah come on, Delicia. There ain't no conspiracy. That's just a conspiracy theory. Why would you conspire to exterminate people he don't really exist?

Think a minute. That brunette obviously thought you were a bottle blonde or she wouldn't have accosted you to maybe get a little better hightlight or whatever. If she'd thought you were a real blonde, she would have torn pieces of your clothing off your body as sacred relics not to mention torn out your hair to make a wig for the Pharoah of Phashion.

So you see? It's not as bad as you think, but it's probably worse than I think, which is usual I think.

So what's your opinion of redheads then?

Are they the demon, inbred spawn of a brunette/blonde union? I suspect that this is the case - sorry for bringing the tone down, but there are few things funnier in life than red pubes..

If the non-existence of real blondes is not fact, then it must be program, stands to reason, don't it? I say, do strawberry blondes count as blondes or as redheads? Might there be a loophole after all?

I don't know. Do people dye their hair red ever? That might be a clue. Then again who knows?

Rita puts purplish hightlights in her hair. My cousin used to claim to be a natural brunette.

So it might be we're all mythical except for the beige ones.

Hey there, NOT everyone believes there are red pubs.
Some have to seen them to belive in them.
Hmmm I do not recall laughs

A lot of blonde hair darkens with age.
There were a lot of Prussian red heads supposedly.
My red hair (never carrot red) has gotten darker but easily lightens in the sun.

*recalls a chilhood saying;
I'd rather be dead, than red on the head

Some archeologists supposedly found a cache of redheaded mummies in a cave in Nevada. They concluded that the hair color was a consequence of the dry climate's effect on the remains which also incidently caused to the skin color to significantly lighten.

This suggests that true redheads, whether Prussian or not, are in fact dead people exposed to severe dissication. Sorry about that.

Hahaha I knew something was different....

This redhead thing is related to The Story of Yan, http://www.bowshow.com/rco/coyote_tales/story_of_yan.htm , which in turn derives from a very old story that Sarah Winnemucca was told when she was a child.

Because the people remembered some redheaded white cannibals who had threatened them in the past, when the first white immigrants showed up they were mistaken for the cannibals and the people ran away, except for Sarah, who couldn't keep up, mainly because she was maybe a little lazy. So she got buried under bushes a lot which is why she converted to Christianity when she grew up allegedly.

If it had been me, I would have paid a little more attention in PE, but that's just a personal thing I guess. But it does suggest that laziness might frequently play a role in conversions.

Anyways, Sarah went to boarding school and married a white guy. She became a respected advocate of western Paiute rights as well and even had a town in Nevada named after her, but her response to the white invasion was just a little bit questionable I think.

Sort of like Pocahontas maybe, but there's no accounting for stuff when love's involved. At least she tried to assimilate proving once again that it's pretty pointless unless you really don't give a damn about your relatives.

Assimilation not only means giving up the land but also giving up your family ties that go with it because white hubby ain't into playing indian although he's perfectly happy if you play the good little white career girl wife because then, if nothing else, you become an intriguing curiousity not unlike an ape who can use sign language besides being a badly needed second source of income.

"Look Wendell, it can talk English almost like your Martha does, and it can write down grocery lists too and use the cellphone. Ain't that just friggin' amazing?!"

"Yep, darn tootin'! And I hear they're just naturally better than white women in bed too if you don't mind the stink."

"Yessiree, just loads of enthusiasm except it keeps telling me to take a bath. Will you get a load of that huh? Pretty funny ain't it? Me take a bath like I really need to? Always joshin' you know? Some kind of sense of humor ain't it? And I always thought they were just plain stoic or something. What did I know huh?"

"Yep, life's full of surprises ain't it? Just goes to show what a little diversity can do to widen our horizons, except Martha don't want to come here no more. Claims the place has a funny smell and she don't like to use the toilet. Women!! You can't live with 'em and you can't live without 'em right?"

"I heard that chief!"

"Hey, now, don't you be callin' me chief, injun lover!!"

I believe Laziness does play a role in many conversions.
A person can also be spiritualy lazy with or without conversions.

All kinds of lazy, out there in the world!
Thanks for the story.
The commentary too.

I believe Laziness does play a role in many conversions.
A person can also be spiritualy lazy with or without conversions.

All kinds of lazy, out there in the world!
Thanks for the story.
The commentary too.

I'm glad you think it's funny. I think it's friggin hilarious myself but then that's what I like about rural rednecks. You usually know exactly where you stand with them.

I can't say the same for the urban varieties who tend to conceal stuff a lot so you never really know what the smiles, frowns, chuckles or whatever actually mean if anything at all.

One time a mormon bishop showed up at Zuni preaching to the people there. He told them all the land belonged to the mormons. Consequently, when some white settlers who weren't mormons showed up later claiming the land belonged to them, the people sort of concluded that these whites were kind of confused or something or at least their god was. You just never know do you?

Anyways, I hope everybody else can take these little tales more or less with good humor because otherwise we might all go crazy just trying to figure out the sense of things.

German proverb i got to hear a lot: Rote Haare, Sommersprossen, sind des Teufels Artgenossen. (red hair and freckles are the devil's own kind.
Btw, there were gallic tribes, whose men used clay to spike their hair up, which resulted in bleaching it to a sort of straw tone, quite independent of the natural colour. Must have been very attractive, all those clay blonds.

So the Devil is a redhead huh? Wonder where they get that?

Wow I have been protected from the past stories and issues with having red hair
Thanks Delicia, interesting.