h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*A nice looking young lady with a sour look on her face enters. A follows her. She looks around and notices that the panto is in full flight on the stage. She checks her invitation, then looks at a calendar on the wall. She curses then rushes on stage.*

*crawls out from under Pansy's clothes rail where she was propelled from the stage*

Pure silk, Pansy, only the best fabric for you

*does her swag bag appear to be slightly more bulky?*

**Purr stops in at his dressing room, grabs the TIH&G ensemble from the shelf beside his makeup table and dons the apparatus. He slips the filmy visor over his vertically slit eyes and all is momentarily seen in muted tones of grey. He holds the tiny box with the buttons in his left paw and fiddles with them.**

Mmmmrrr... STG musst be the Sstage, GBH sseems to be where we jusst came frrom, and--Aha!--RRL has to be Rrow Rrow Lake.

**He starts to walk down the Backstage corridor towards the next set and presses the button. The lighting changes, fading from the low-key theater set dimness into an even darker outdoor evening ambience highlighted by the scintillation of tiny pixies flitting above the water. It is then--**
(continues at Row Row Lake)

*Pansy strides off the stage and heads for another hidden downing it in one. She shakes her head and mutters as she undresses. Only some of her words can be heard.*

.....audience.....flippers.....amateurs.....animals.....

*The flippers are flung into a large wicker crate. Then Pansy removes the stripy leg warmers, her bloomers and green tights, throwing them into the basket too.*

.....Stage Manager.....monster.....popcorn.....

*She rips off the pink hair and yellow bonnet in one then removes the yellow and pink dress, hanging it on the rail. Then she notices something is not quite right. Wearing only her underwear, she can't find her next costume.*

Who's been fiddling with my drawers? There's a thief in the cast!

*A wolf wearing a granny's night atire drifts in. On closer inspection, it can be seen that the wolf face is actually a rubber mask.*


OOOooooooooooOoo [Okay, I'm here]

*The wolf face looks around at the empty room, then Granny drifts out again towards the stage.*

*Pansy flounces off stage and discovers another in her make up box. She kicks off the pink fluffy slippers and carefully removes her pink night attire. She looks in vain for her "Pretty Maid" costume, but it seems to be missing.*

Where is it? I really can't wear this!

*She holds up a dress that is folded so the design is hidden, but then shrugs as she puts it on, since she can't find any other outfit and is due back on stage soon.*

*sitting on dressing table admiring costume of red and yellow striped satin*

Oh, what a handsome rat I am.
*combs whiskers, waiting for cue*

heh heh heh
Styx on!

*scurries out of dressing room*

*a young woman in a sharp business suit fixes her makeup*

*Henrietta heads for the tea-making alcove*

I hope someone has switched Little Urn on.

*she puts her hand on the side of the tea urn, only to find it is stone cold. Lifting the lid she finds it is also empty. She fills a bucket from the tap and tips it in before switching on the machine* she grabs a plastic seat*

*sits down to refresh her makeup*

I thought that went pretty well -- but that Pansy is such a ham! And the mice managed to shoot a blank right by my head, my ears are still ringing.

*ambles from the Stage to the dressing room*

[Front]: I've just *got* to get out of this skin. I'm sure it's shrunk.

[Back]: Nothing to do with the vast quantity of M&Ms you ate during the last scene then?

[Front]: I'll ignore that. Are we ready for the song that starts the next act? Where's Gladys?

[Back]: The last time I saw her she was in the rafters dodging bullets.

*flops into an armchair that has seen better days*

Well, I'm cetainly not complaining at the length of the performance, it's keeping me out of my Stepmother's way

*fidgets*

I seem to be sitting on something

*feels around her*

It seems to be in my pocket.....look what I had forgotten about!

*holds up a bottle of Glenfiddach*

Anyone for a tot or four of whisky?

Ah oui - yes please, mademoiselle Cinders!

*loosens his bow tie and looks a bit pale (if that is at all possible, considering how pale he usually looks), attempting to recall the details of his contract, but is unable to remember it saying anything about 'lovers' or 'turtle doves' or 'romance'*

*desperately starts searching his pockets for his copy of the contract*

**Purr in Boots ambles into the Backstage area and flops onto a worn couch, doubtless flopped on by a myriad of Panto players. He heaves a huge sigh and lets it go lingeringly.**

[Purr] Have we rreally been at thiss ffor ssix monthss?! Maiy, time ssure fflies when yeou arre having ffun! Or--as one frrog ssaid to anotherr--time's ssure ffun when yeou're having fflies. Or perrhaps it was the convicted ffelon who rremarrked, "Ffun ssure fflies when yeou're doing time." Ah, well...

**He leans forward, grasps one boot and pulls it off; then he does the same for the other. Purr then stands and uses his left paw to tug at his jerkin while his right paw reaches to a point just below his neck and pulls downward. A zipping sound punctuates the parting of his costume. He wriggles and it begins to fold back as he reaches up with both hands to remove his mask.**

[Purr] Six months! I haven't had a shave in way too long. And this d*mn get-up was REALLY starting to itch. Guess that's to be expected with fur, though. Man, this is SUCH a relief to take this off for a bit...

**The costume falls off his shoulders into a pile on the couch. Standing where Purr once stood, is a large cat-like creature with black fur, except for its silvered mane and an incongruous diamond-shaped patch of fur in the middle of his chest. He scratches himself on the haunches and on his chest, then velvets his claws. He glances over at Cinders, noting the swiftly disappearing bottle of Glennfiddich.**

[Purr] Aye, Lass! Could ye spare a wee dram o' the spirit fer yer fav'rite furry fellow Cast member? I'd gladly repay ye after th' play, when we tike the Cast Party to th' local pub.

**He magically produces a snifter he has to cup in both paws and profers it to Cinders.**

*Pansy appears with a large bottle and doesn't even bother with a glass for her this time but just swigs. She glares at the Farmers Wife.*

A ham??? A HAM??? I'll have you know I have appeared with the best. My Corialanus is quite something to see. What I'm doing here I really don't know.

*aside* Anybody watching you can see you don't know what you're doing here, dear...

*hitches up her skirts to make sure the laces on her Doc Martens are securely tied*

*all sitting on the edge of the counter, swinging their legs and sipping cool drinks*

1: We've paid our union dues
2: And you both have heavy shoes
3: So we wouldn't care to choose.
All:
Each one of youse is a lady
And you both have pasts quite shady.

: Mice know these things.
: We get around.
: You don't need eyes to hear through a wall.

*staggers in, removing tinsel from her hair*

Um...hi. Is there anything to drink that isn't inviolation of the local drinking age laws, or my contract? Ourple Pickle Juice, maybe? It has been a tough week.

*Gladys the bounces up and down in the doorway of the dressing room*

[Gladys]: Five minutes! Get your skin on. I'm just limbering up.

*bounces up and down some more*