h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Some Rules of Fair Fighting

1. Do not overreact to small things and turn them into major conflict.

2. No hitting below the belt. (Saying things to deliberately hurt, such as, "You're just like your mother/father")

3. Don't try to make the other feel bad about themselves or feel guilty. Never deliberately
cause harm to your partner.

4. Don't use silence or withdrawal of love as a battle tactic.

5. Don't behave in a cold and distant manner with your partner.

6. Avoid personal attacks on the other person. Instead deal with your own feelings and say what you want to be different.

7. Avoid interpreting your partner's motivation or behavior.

8. Make your fight specific.

9. Do not threaten to leave the relationship in a fight. Leaving is a decision, not a fight strategy.

10. Fight about an issue not "You don't love me or you would not have done this".

11. If the temperature gets too hot in a fight, reschedule the fight for a specific time so both can cool down.

12. Do not use blaming as a fight tactic.

13. Do not talk fast, loudly, or too long because it causes your partner to tune out.

14. Do not hold on to old hurts or bring up old arguments during fights.

15. Do not become addicted to being right all the time.

16. Do not try to defeat your partner. A fair fight is one where you each feel that you are okay emotionally.



17. No warnings about resorting to violence.

18. No violence!

I prefer not to call it a "fight"...but a disagreement.

very good job on these

Thanks for this Abbi.

Going to a preliminary counseling session this afternoon.

What is wrong tonsil revenge???

Good Luck Tonsil
I hope you get a good counselor.
Hubby and I went years ago and it helped.

The counselor called the this morning and rescheduled for Thursday.

Just regular old stuff.
Uvula is dyslexic, overworked and diabetic.
Shnooks is possibly the most intelligent member of the family on both sides for three generations and she's thirteen...
I am a possible Aspergers and overweight, out-of-work and very short-tempered.

We been married 14 years this coming November and we've always needed a bit of help as we don't communicate well with others, let alone the people we live with.
So, every once a while, when everyone is hoarse from shouting and the child and I are tired of hearing Uvula threaten to move out and divorce me, we go seeking counseling.

This is one of those times.

Good Luck Tonsil
I hope you get a good counselor.
Hubby and I went years ago and it helped.
The hard part for me was having been to individual couseling previously it was a bit disorienting. Counseling an individual is very different from couples, different goals.

*confession*
I was just thinking yesterday about our marriage counseling. This question was posed to me; (they do not give you advice so much as questions)
Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?
I answered yes to both right off!

Tough and distasteful to me, but I am grateful.
Every now and then I still have to ask myself if the choice applies to an ongoing nuciance or irritation
For me - It has been applied to the *small stuff* in life for big, positive, long lasting results.

I just want the lying to stop.

Best of Luck to you.

a little at a time...at least you are doing something
I would assume you are committed to keeping the relationship together???

I hope you are not considering divorce

Counseling is a really fair way to have a disagreement and talk it out

The next best thing is to have an impartial mediator

Everyone though should have a sounding board...that is what we are here for...Tonsil. But does your wife have a sounding board too???

do not overreact to the small things and turn them into a major conflict...that is a hard thing for me to do because a long time ago I took a lot of classes on how to be assertive...now I feel like confronting every issue...when it is best to keep silent at times

Excellant point Andrea.
Sometimes; Silence is Golden.

Confrontaion and changes in my experiences-
I had to learn to say no and speak up more for myself. It has always been easy for me to defend others but not myself.

Humans changing for the good ,usually have swings wildy to the opposite side which is not ideal. It takes practice picking your battles. It is a huge reason why people do not change. Fearing they will get stuck on rage if they start ,or crying of they start or whatever the change is. To experience this with short term changes sends some back to their old ways of thinking when it feeling no better. The balancing is the trick and very doable with practice.

Seperating the things you can actually do something about,
picking the proper person and time to address a problem is important.

Knowing whether the same interaction is likely to occur again is big in my They are goals to address so you can eleminate ongoing frustrations. Knowing the same type of thing with the same type of personality will likely happen again can be helpful in "practice" theory. To know you will have another opportunity can be energizing. Many see this as a groaner rather than a guaranteed future opprotunity for practice - change.

New ones -interactions are the easiest to practice a new approach on.
Those persons can only take you as you are at that moment, no history, less expectation.

People who know you will have to adjust to your changing which takes time. That is another block that comes up for some people. Being worried about what others will think or do is a problem in itself, this can be delt with. If it's reasonable you gain more respect and trust not lose it.

Once you have chosen your boundaries for battle it gets easier. Once you are honest about what cannot change, that helped me alot.

You sound like a reasonable person Andrea. That is the best prerequisite to change and balance.

Hi Abbi, Yep! that title about silence being golden, reminds me of kids not speaking, as they do when they fall out with their friends.
It just struk me that the same attitude is carried on into adult life?
What I mean is, after my divorce my sister stopped speaking to me, as did one of my daughters? I mean, how petty can adults be
Just like kids in the play ground Eh!
Still why worry, I now have 4 lovely grandkids, all from MK2s own kids, and we love them to bits!! Who needs childish sisters & daughters any way??Sad people
Smudger.

Yeah I don't do not talking to people. How are you meant to sort things out if you won't speak to people?

Yea! thats right! my ex wife used to do that "not speaking" thing, it was great for me, as at least I got a break from her nagging

Now with MK2, thats different? cant get a word in
Its sad really, when you cant expalin to them if they turn away, but hey! lifes too short! and I aint got the time to wait for them
Smudger.

Thank you for the compliment Abbi...I definetly try to be reasonable...my boyfriend and I disagree every once in a while but we always talk it out before it becomes a fight.

Tonsil: How is the counseling going???