h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I attempted to write a journal on my thoughts.
I went on at some length.
Then the was an error and firefox died.
Oh, well...

Brief summation...

I'm tired.
Leonard Cohen is a romantic not a depressive.
The Dark Side of the Moon is perhaps over-rated.
Pearl Jam are brilliant.
Someone asked me if I like Matchbox Twenty some time ago. Having now listened to an album of theirs I'm feeling very Ambivalent.
I bought and smoked a packet of cigarettes for no good reason, despite having supposedly 'quit' some time ago.
I continue to dwell on the fact that life is death and generally be apathetic about things generally.

And I'm now so tired I can't go on any further. Bona nochy!

I have missed you. I'm sorry you are unhappy.

I've missed you.

I like stone sour. Nobody I know in RL has heard of them but i thought maybe you would have?

Thanks for the hug Milla.

Thank you for the bogbrush Ms. Eyed. Just what I wanted for Christmas...

I've heard of Stone Sour. I haven't actually heard any buy them. But I confess a fondness for Slipknot, I used to be ambivalent about Slipknot, I had strong urge to resist Slipknot so as to not conform to some kind of Cliché. Most people, I think, find what they sing about disturbing whereas I know exactly what it's like to want to push one's finger into their your own eyes to deal with the pain and distress...

Refering back to the first post, I'm ambivalent no more about Matchbox Twenty, their music is undeniably derivitive pap designed for easy consumtion by emptyheaded teens, which exactly what the producer et al were trying to make, and this goal was achieved perfectly. Still it's tolerable background noise, in small doses.


I have mental health problems. A fair number of them really. BPD I'm no longer certain is the most troubling of them, I've not significantly self-harmed or tried to kill myself for about a year.
On a good day if pressed hard for an answer to wether I fundermentally absolutely regard myself as "Evil" I'd say no.
Intrusive thoughts are no longer constantly there. I obsess less, I'm not so paranoid or worried about how I regarded by people I don't even know. With the agoraphobia, I can walk into a shop without wanting trow-up because I'm so nervous...

I think the main mental health obstacle for my "recovery", growth, progress, is my "Codependency", the rules/schemata and core beliefs that get in the way of me functioning I think now have more to do with me having a "Codependent" personality.

When I was first diagnosed with BPD, I recognised that I was so ill there wasn't much of anything to me, beyond the disorder. I wonder what there is to me now beyond the "Codependent".

A Codependent is essentially a distorted control freak and manipulator with a conflict between the need for external affirmation and a crippling sense of zero-self-worth and sense of being unworthy of love or respect from anyone.
The reason I think that if people really knew me is because I am a codependent. The reason it's true is because of all the other coponent parts of the condition'disorder/whatever.
I need to accept that at present I'm f**ked-up inside and I need to re-write who I am at the core if I'm ever gonna get anywhere.

Geez, I'd say you've made plenty of progress, since I've met you- that's the truth.

I hope you continue to improve, and I hope you get through this slump OK.

Incidentally, have you seen the new programme about the Dec. 26 Tsunami? I think over there it's called "Chasing the Tsunami" or "Heart of the Tsunami" or something like that. I know one of the scientists that worked on that ship, and helped determine the specific cause of the disaster.

Since quitting college I've been treading water at best.
I function better. But faults in my personality, that make me someone I hate and make any kind of relationship with another human being unstable are still there. I wanna tackle these.
I'm lonely. That's not gonna change on a longterm basis if I'm codependent because I've got to unlearn the behaviours, I can't just manage them.

And, I've watch anything on the Tsunami in months... Though there was something on BBC1 the other day about it, which may have the show in question.

And, I've *not watched* anything on the Tsunami in months... Though there was something on BBC1 the other day about it, which may have the show in question.

I still love you dear... and whether you believe it or not you are worth something to me. Esp. in the crazy world I've been living in lately.

Take care m'dear not to let the poisonous devils grind you down...

But. You know how I can hurt those that care about me. I am codependent. It hurts to admit it, that I self-harm, that I've been abused, the rest of it, it doesn't sting to say it like it does when I admit to codepedancy.

I think I have to look up on codenpendancy... not sure what you mean by it? Needing other people to say you're an OK person because you won't believe it from your own heart? We all have that, but you may have it to a higher degree... but it may be something different that is meant by codependancy.

I still think you are a good guy, and I am soooooo impressed by the progress you have made since I first started bothering you

Yes, you've come a long way. Well done, you.

"But faults in my personality, that make me someone I hate and make any kind of relationship with another human being unstable are still there. I wanna tackle these."

Good traits for anyone to have, those. You're a nicer and more approachable person than you realise, though. Do remember that it's natural for relationships to start off shaky.

Faults? Those are your idiosyncrasies, surely!

P.S. Your summation made me laugh! The bits you left out (like explanations) are as funny as what you put in.

Hootoo wasn't working for me AT ALL yesterday. I ended up chatting to Deswald's frieds instead, and they all seemed shocked to learn that he had a sister.

*Friends*, even. Not 'frieds'.

hey stealthy

hello again from down under

You are loved. You are needed. You are trusted.

Codependency I think I'll have to look up. It seems to pretty well describe me. I constantly fight between need for power and need for affection. When someone starts to get close to me I freak and push them away, often using information gathered when they got close to alienate and use against them, as a device for forcing them to hate me. I generally have the need to lash out and hurt people even at the same time as needing them to love me and reassure me that I'm not a bad person.

Sorry this is about you not me. You are loved Trust me.

Coalesce
*Waves to Hel* Hi from the bit at the top near the middle of the map. [There we are, above France, because we're better than them, Adjacent to our cheeky, tag-along sidekick Ireland]. Merry summertime.

For all those not really sure what I mean by co-dependency http://www.borderlinepersonality.info/intro.htm is a site by another Borderline with co-dependent traits. Gives an idea of what the experience is like. http://www.borderlinepersonality.info/codepchars.htm covers the 232 'tendencies'/'traits' some of them don't apply to me in the slightest [like all the one to do with sexuality]. Other, polar opposite traits* both apply to me and some only come into play occasionally or only apply to the way I relate to a specific person.

Milla > "I still think you are a good guy and I am soooooo impressed by the progress you have made since I first started bothering you"

*Hugs*
It's a sign of my progress that someone can say something nice about me like that without crying because I "know" it's not true and being 'frustrated' that they can't see it.

Snailrind > "Good traits for anyone to have, those."

Not in the proportions I've developed.

"You're a nicer and more approachable person than you realise, though."

And others, I've noticed.

"Do remember that it's natural for relationships to start off shaky."

If the other part of the relationship is co-dependent like with *** they become increasingly unstable and everyone gets hurt.

"P.S. Your summation made me laugh! The bits you left out (like explanations) are as funny as what you put in."

Your sense of humour is unhealthily similar to my own in these things...

"I constantly fight between need for power and need for affection. When someone starts to get close to me I freak and push them away, often using information gathered when they got close to alienate and use against them, as a device for forcing them to hate me. I generally have the need to lash out and hurt people even at the same time as needing them to love me and reassure me that I'm not a bad person."

Uh-huh, I push people away. The more pain I'm in the more likely I am to act in a way that will hurt them. It's about not letting anyone get close enough to hurt me, to make you into or feel a victim - be betrayed. Someone's absence can be a betrayal...

'I'm in pain, you're not here when I need you, you abandoned me, I hate you, you’ve lied to me, you just wanted to hurt me, you betrayed me, you're just like everyone else, why don't you just fukkov and die and leave me to do the same.'

Imagine pontificating that at someone who would have given everything to have been there for you...
Think about how cruel it is to do that to someone. And to keep doing it until they can't take it anymore or are destroyed.
Think. How would you see yourself if you knew you could do that to someone.
Never let anyone get close enough to hurt you, never let anyone get close enough for your own angry neediness to hurt you.

*I hinted at some duality back there... I identify with this song strongly. I'm both people in this song, I'm the angry unsypathetic person that just doesn't want to understand and I am the person that anger is directed, at on a mission to tear themselves apart...

A Perfect Circle - The Outsider Lyrics

Help me if you can
It's just that this,
is not the way I'm wired
so could you please,
help me understand why
you've given in to all these
reckless dark desires you're

Crying to yourself again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it, and put it on a faultline
What'll it take to get it through to you precious
I'm over this
Why do you wanna throw it away like this
Such a mess
I don't wanna watch you

Disconnect and self-destruct
one bullet at a time
What's your rush now,
everyone will have his day to die

Medicated
drama queen
Picture perfect non-belligerence
Narcissistic
drama queen
Craving fame and all its decadence

Lying through your teeth again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it, and put it on a faultline
What'll it take to get it through to you precious
I'm over this
Why do wanna throw it away like this
Such a mess
I don't wanna watch you

Disconnect and self-destruct
one bullet at a time
What's your rush now,
everyone will have his day to die

They were right about you
They were right about you

Lying to my face again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it, and put it on a faultline
What'll it take to get it through to you precious
I'm over this
Why do you wanna throw it away like this
Such a mess
over this!? over this!?

Disconnect and self-destruct
one bullet at a time
What's your hurry,
everyone will have his day to die

If you choose to pull the trigger
Should your drama prove sincere
Do it somewhere far away from here

Oh, blimey, I must stop reading such pages as the one you linked... I am now certain that this is what I am! I wish I was joking just now, but no. Scary reading. At a rough estimate I can put a checkmark against 90% of them.

I almost launched into a big rant about my big crying session this morning, but I'll leave it to my journal.
Not that anyone cares.

Aw, you two!

You're me besshht frigging matesshh! *hic*