h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A good friend of mine has received bad news.

Her mum has just been diagnosed with breast cancer. How far it's gone, or what will need to be done, I don't yet know, but how do you console someone who, really, will be inconsoleable?

Just sitting here typing away, my mind is going back to the events of last year. The finding out that a parent has cancer, and the subsequent death of that parent. (not that I'm saying my friends mum is going to die...I think nowadays, breast cancer is one of the easiest forms of cancer to cure and has a damn good chance of a full recovery)

But was it easier for me to deal with it because of the fact that the connections between father and daughter disappeared a long time ago? Or is it harder because of this fact?

The difference between the two of us is that she is there at the beginning. She has the whole journey to go though now. Whereas, I was only there at the end. No chance to heal rifts or to come to terms with whats happened.

Just trying to get my own thoughts in order is difficult, but I do know what she's going through, but do you say have a plaster...heal the wound and be done with it?

Just say you know what they're going through, and offer to be there for them whenever they need it. Sometimes all it takes is making a small dinner for them. Every bit helps.

All I can do is offer to be there for her. She's not one for cuddles or physical contact. Whereas, I am. I need hugs and reassurance quite regularly.

This is just shit. The whole bloody thing.

Why can't the government just put their hands in their pockets and spend money on proper cancer research instead of having to rely on donations?

it is hard to think of something to do, but the advice just be there is good one. if she does not like cuddles, then lend a ear. listening is helpfull too.

I know my friend...it's just a bit painful for me too

Baby

My Grandma had breast cancer in her mid-70s, she celebrated her 90th birthday this year by going on a gliding trip. If they could be that succesful nearly 20 years ago they should be damn good now!

I hope that your friend's mum caught it early enough to put it behind her quickly and that she too will be fullfilling a childhood dream when she reaches 90!

Mel

VV all you can do is be available. Sometimes it does folk good just to say what they are thinking out loud, to someone, but they don't really want an answer.

If her mum does pass on the time to be there would be a month or so after when every one else has visited etc and things have gone quiet. That's when folk really feel alone.

I know someone has already told you to say, "I know how you feel", but that is one of the worst things you can say to anyone in any kind of pain. Having suffered depression for many years, anyone who says they know how I feel instantly gets my fur ruffled. The truth is, no one can truly know how anyone else feels about any given circumstance. You may have gone thru the same thing, but as you yourself admitted, there were different circumstances between her situation and yours. Don't patronize her, or belittle her feelings, by telling her that you KNOW what she's going thru. You don't.
That is a hard piece of advice. I know. This next piece is even harder. The best thing you can do for her is BE THERE. Now, tomorrow, next week, a month from now, and a year down the road. This is easier said than done, and that is what makes it hard advice. It is not easy to be there for someone who is in pain, especially when that pain is not going to go away for a while, and may in fact get worse. She may push you away, emotionally and physically, since you say that she is not a physically emotive person, and you are. That will make sticking to her, being her friend even harder. But the strongest metals go thru the hottest fires. Stick to her. YOU be her plaster. She may never thank you, but her heart will heal stronger and faster if you just be there for her. Endurance does not mean easily accomplished.
Hope I was not too harsh. Still friends?

Still friends

There appears to be good news. It seems that the consultant dealing with my friends mum says he is really positive about this. They may have caught it early.

She goes in the next month to have the lump removed.

My friend seems good at the moment, but I've warned her that it's going to be a long hard road ahead of them all, but I'm here if she wants to talk.

Vicki you are true friend

With friends like you pheloxi, I think I'm getting good guidance