h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Waheey! Don't get yerself chucked off,Rev. I haven't flogged you the Sainted head yet. Yours for 10k and a trip to Lourdes for me and my Auntie Deidre.

Where is this? I haven't received any warnings, they just seem to take an unnatural interest in everything I say about my good friend Mr John 'TV's John Leslie' Leslie. I believe they have taken to reading eveything I write, fearing that with some of my choicest words, the working classes will overthrow the bourgeoisie factory-owners and rid this world of the evils of capital.

Alternatively they may just fear I might mention that John Leslie, it has been claimed by another famous TV presenter, did in 1988 lie about his age when getting the job on Blue Peter. His great height of 6'11'' in 1988 disguised the fact that he was only 4 years old when he got the job on Blue Peter and the newspapers have been saying all sorts of things about him only turning 18 years old this Autumn.

Naturally the BBC feel the need to censor this as they don't want to be seen to support child labour, especially on their flagship kids TV show.

Yours censored

Rt. Rev. Lesley Gentle

How's about £250, a handful of signed (by me) Hearsay vinyls, and a weeks stay in my timeshare in Bali?

Sources tell me that her maj only spoke about her conversation with Paul 'loyalty is my watchword'Burrell because you had been over to 'advise' her on that new buy one place in heaven get one eternal corgi kennel free thing yer running.

Princess Diana greatest Briton of all time? What a joke!

What about Ross Kemp for his ability to play bullies, soldiers, policemens, customs mens, gay mens....

Bobby Gillespie (face like a knee, face like a knee)

Prince Phillip for THAT wiring box joke in Scotland. What a card, and able to bring joy and laughter into the lives of all races, ages and sexes despite coming from a VERY close family.

Craig from Big Brother, I don't know who he is or what he has ever done but he has got to be better than a dead tart in mascara.

Harold Shipman for his attempts to reduce the NHS waiting lists where Tony Blair's Labour Party have failed so desperately. Sadly he can't win because he is a mass murderer and the powers that be frown upon that kind of thing.

John Leslie. See the many reasons already given. Case closed. He would win if this conspiracy didn't exost that keeps him in the shadows.

PS The Queen will not, as you believe be going to heaven. She is on the guest list because she is of better stock than us mere mortals and will be clinging to God's side and suckling on his unisex teat.]

Amen

Princess Diana greatest Briton of all time? What a joke!

What about Ross Kemp for his ability to play bullies, soldiers, policemens, customs mens, gay mens....

Bobby Gillespie (face like a knee, face like a knee)

Prince Phillip for THAT wiring box joke in Scotland. What a card, and able to bring joy and laughter into the lives of all races, ages and sexes despite coming from a VERY close family.

Craig from Big Brother, I don't know who he is or what he has ever done but he has got to be better than a dead tart in mascara.

Harold Shipman for his attempts to reduce the NHS waiting lists where Tony Blair's Labour Party have failed so desperately. Sadly he can't win because he is a mass murderer and the powers that be frown upon that kind of thing.

John Leslie. See the many reasons already given. Case closed. He would win if this conspiracy didn't exist that keeps him in the shadows.

PS The Queen will not, as you believe be going to heaven. She is on the guest list because she is of better stock than us mere mortals and will be clinging to God's side and suckling on his unisex teat on his better personal paradise called Royland. It's true

Amen

Is there an echo in here? Oh, and why do you say that I am a 'Lucky lucky buzzard'?

Much confusion in the vestry

There's confusion throughout the C of E at the moment from what I can gather....who is running it since 'Caring'Carey moved out of Lambeth Palace,par exemple? I would love to have read yer last reply,aitchtoo obviously has no idea what a finger on the pulse kinda rev. you are.But I might tell you that I know for a fact that Angela Rippon is replacement of choice for Angus'what have I done now'Deayton,high up in eschelons of beeb management....

Contrary to you sublime opinion, I do not actually have my finger on the pulse. I have a belt tied tight around by bicep in a makeshift tourniquet and a hypodermic syringe firmly embedded in my vein. I AM the pulse, and that no good son of a bishop (Tim Westwood?) better recognise. I am getting hold of a signed picture of Angus Deayton (for no other reason than I just can) in the next couple of days, a good friend had to deal with the media when they were trying to get hold of Angus and Peter Fincham when he got sacked.

Apparently there is a lot more to the story than has already been disclosed and it makes the cocaine-whores thing sound like a weekend at Butlins (or even Bernies). I can't repeat it on here though because I would be censored by my facist friends the moderators. Hadn't heard about Rippon, but I know from talking to Johnny Vaughan that he isn't interested in taking over the show, it is really a bit of a bum job having been a settled show for 12 years many see it as on its way out when the novelty of a new presenter settles down.

I am planning on launching a coup on the C of E soon, I believe that the Archbishop of Canterbury should be deposed and replaced with a similar but more powerful figure who would be included in a rewriting of the Bible, titled The Bible III (This time no lies) and would tell the truth about Jesus' direct blood-line leading into the Gentle family, with the purest Dalai Lama-esqe recipient being one Rt. Rev. Lesley Gentle, the Bishop of Pain (And Dalston). This character would be all powerful and would rule the civilised world (and America). Mmmm what a thought...

Hands together and eyes closed.
Our Father, who art in Dalston,
Lesley be thy name...