h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

First of all, let me introduce our summer signings: Uncle Heavy, a right-winger; Number Six, an established right-sided utility man; Sneijder, a powerful forward; and Rooftiler, a up-and-coming creative midfielder. Unfortunately the board prohibited me from making any more signings, but I'm happy with what I've got. All four new signing look as if they could well break into first-team football through the course of the season, so keep your eyes out.

No sooner had our season started then Bob sprained his wrist (Hmmm...). So Number Six started the first game of the season from the bench. The game went well, we were tight defnesively, and comfortably beat Wycombe 2-0 (Ellen 2). Bob promptly made a full recovery and claimed his place on the bench back. We went on to a slightly disappointing 1-1 draw against Darlington (Oom) and a narrow squeakerin the League Cup beating Mansfield 1-0 (Oom again). Our reward was big tie away to Premiership Sunderland!

Inspired by this, we went out the next week full of fight, but were careless and drew 2-2 with Rushden (Oom, Bob). After a quick rant from the boardroom, we then pulled our socks up and walloped Bristol City 4-0 (Flanker, Oom 2, Ellen). 3 of 8 twisted his knee in a reserve match and will be out for 3 weeks.

Leeds put in a paltry £85,000 bid for Perseus, so I told them to sod off. The same week, there was honours for both Hebe who captained Switzerland U21s to a 0-0 draw against Luxembourg U21s, and Ellen, who was rewarded with the Second Division Young Player of the Month.

Hebe, still in Switzerland, finally captained the Swiss U21s to a win: 3-1 against Belarus, scoring a goal to cap a fine performance. The team, after a break went out against Wigan and drew a thriller 4-4 (Oom, Mother of God, Ellen 2), all goals scored in the first half. I really must try and tighten up the defence.

Hebe exertions internationally got the better of her, and she suffered a calf strain to keep her out for 2 weeks. The team, meanwhile, ran out an excellent victory in a big match against QPR, 2-1 (Dolt and an Own Goal). The rumours about Perseus leaving the club continued to percolate. Finally, we let a late equaliser slip against Reading to draw 2-2 (Dolt, Flanker).

In mid-September we are in fifth place with 3 wins and 4 draws. We are still undefeated for the season, and the team appears to be much fitter than last year. Things are looking up.

B

on the bench eh? might make it into the first team eh? hah!

'second division's young player of the month'
in other words: Real madrid, here I come!

And where was I during all of this? *searches for her name among the goal makers, but in vain*

Hmmm...you did start all seven matches. Be patient!

B

ahem

Woohoo! A goal!

*jumps up and down on one leg*

Hang on, I thought I was a defender - do I play somewhere else for Switzerland?

In Switzerland presumably.

Percolating rumours? Am I a coffee machine now? Anyway. I'd just like to state how happy I am on the team here. Offers from the likes of (dirty) Leeds are flattering obviously, but at the end of the day, Brian, it a game of two halves, and I'd be sick as a parrot if I didn't stay at the club to continue learning the game.

Is that clichéd enough to be from a footballer?

I scored! Rah!

Am I still the one letting these goals in?

*buys super large baseball gloves*

Yes, it's all your fault.

You're definitely not playing as well as last season.

B

*kicks heels mumbling about not getting picked*

Not my fault if you're crap. You filled in the survey

I've put you up for loan, but no-one else wants you neither.

B

how am i doing?

You've been playing reasonably well for the subs. I expect you to get a game before long.

I spelled subs with a capital S, then. I think I'm doing to much volunteering.

B

reasonably well? do i have an NZ cap yet? can i pleeeease play? go on. ill do really well. also, check your email.

Sorted - you actually were created with 3 NZ caps as default. The game doesn't play a lot of internationals that aren't directly relevant.

Email received. I'll open the second round of Phantasy Phootball bidding sortly.

B

thanks odo

Odo?

*pretends to be practising dribbling while eavesdropping*

Oopsie! I appear to have turned into my other half. Back to normal now.

B