h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

OK, the last few matches approach, but some news to get the team in good cheer - both Queeglesproggit and Oom Foofoo have been chosen in the 3rd Division Select for the season. Well done, guys.

So we play Mansfield at home high of hope - and play like complete duffers. We lose 1-0 and the chairman (Mark Moxon) threatens to shoot me. We travel off to Lincoln with the threat hanging over our heads, and scrape a 2-1 win in the final minute (Bob, Dolt). Things are looking up and up as we rout Torquay 3-1 (Chris, Belle, Oom and a Queegle-saved penalty), and we think we can't possible do badly against the bottom team Southend.

But we do. We draw 1-1, Oom Foofoo providing the crucial goal just minutes from the final whistle. There are just two matches left in the season, and we are top with Darlington just a point behind us.

A quick interlude gives a couple of our players chance to play some minor internationals. Ferino's Northern Ireland B-team lose 2-0 to Wales B, and Hebe's Swiss U21s lose 4-0 to Austria U21s.

So, knowing we need to take 6 points out of 6 to guarantee a league victory, we face-ff against Cheltenham. It's a close-fought match, and when veteran striker Tony Naylor puts Cheltenham ahead, it looks to be all over. But we fight back and get a 1-1 draw through a Broelan penalty after Bob was fouled in the box.

Unfortunately, Darlington won, and are now a point ahead. So it all goes down to the final match of the season. And who is it against? That's right - Darlington themselves. If we win, we win the league.

I'm very tempted to leave the result of this match until next time, but the suspense was killing me, so here goes...

















We drew, I'm afraid. 2-2 (Oom 2)

So, we finished the season in 2nd place:

Darlington Played 46, Won 27, Drew 13, Lost 6, For 74, Against 40, Points 94
h2g2 Played 46, Won 28, Drew 9, Lost 9, For 77, Against 38, Points 93

Oom Foofoo finished the season as the Division's second-best scorer and was voted Player of the Season by the fans. As we looked forward to next season, came the heartening news that Broelan had been called up to the USA squad for the World Cup.

The main page (A991578) has been updated with some statistics from the first season if anyone wants to compare performances.

B

Sorry, perhaps I should've mentioned for the benefit of anyone who doesn't understnad English football that, by finishing in the top three, we will be playing in the 2nd Division next season.

B

Woooo, I scored!!! Hope that bodes well for tonight on the town then

Is my injury still bothering me?

You recovered well, but because your replacements, Chris and Bob, were playing well, I let them continue with you on the bench.

B

Oh for gods sake, what was wrong with my name this time?
I've had my name reset three times...

And I fail to see how this can break the rules:

Bob The Farmer-Il B*stardo. "Ee's not the Messiah, ee's a very naughty boy."

Erm...copyright? Maybe Terry Gilliam has complained.

B

No he's been at mine all morning ironing doilies.

*requests a transfer due to lack of first team oppurtunites*

*glares at the boss*

I'll tell you what - I'll let you start all the pre-season friendlies, how about that?

I'm actually training you up for a new position, which will hopefully make you more versatile. And you're still very young, so you should improve a bit.

B

*stops sulking*

How's the new-position training going? Has it dshown up on my position yet?

It hasn't. But, on the plus side, you haven't complained either, which means (presumably) you'll get the hang of it eventually.

B

Dangerous assumption...

You do look like you're gradually improving, it has to be said. Within a season or two, you might be holding down a spot on one of the wings - currently our weak-spots.

B

The wings are our weak spots? I thought our wingers were doing not bad at all according to the statistics you published!

The gaffer doesn't appreciate me

P

I think it's the depth we're lacking. We don't really have a dedicated left winger (Titania, who spent most of the season there, was really a striker, and Bob is right-footed), and inadequate cover down the the right if you get crocked.

B

Wow, I actually am right footed. You didnt get that from the survey did you?