h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A hard-won 1-0 (Ellen) victory in extra time against first-division Barnsley in the League Cup earns us a plush away tie against Premier League Southampton in the Second Round.

Sadly, repeated contract offers could not entice our scout, Anna McGovern, to stay on and she left, dazzled by the big lights at Chelsea.

Exhausted from their Cup exploits, the team struggle away to Swansea, and go down 1-0

Chris is performing particularly poorly, at the minute, and so I drop him, pulling Ellen back to midfield, and promoting Dolt (who is starring in the reserves) to the first-team.

This strategy pays off, as the team convincingly thump York 3-0 (Mother of God, Perseus, Temporal Bandit) at home in their next match.

B

Am I getting played? Or am I keeping the bench warm?

What are my CM stats?

go team go!
rah rah rah!

if my prospects from below the bench look dim, at least i can cheerlead <---(holding a pom pom)

Bob - you want the moon on a stick, don't you?

You're currently bench-warming, but seeing as all the first team have the physical fitness of Bernard Manning on marijuana, you're getting at least 20 minutes run-out per game.

My CM installation is on a different computer to the internet connection, which is distinctly awkward, but you're averaging a rating of about 6.6 per game.

B

I scored against York City?

(reads backlogs and light bulbs begin to switch on)

I scored against York City! Splench!

One question though, If we've replaced Exeter City in the game, does that mean we are known as the Grecians? Cos I've never really wnted to play for a team named after hair dye.

Perseus

Interestingly enough, CM doesn't have any record of nicknames, so we're safe on that front.

B

Ill have to tell my mum, She'll be proud that I play for Exeter, its her home team...

Well, you don't. You play for the proudly re-named 'h2g2 Researchers'. We don't even play in Exeter anymore.

B

So can we have an up to date league position

Erm, twelfth

Played 4, Won 2, Drawn 0, Lost 2, GF 4, GA 2, Points 6

Happy?

B

We can only get better.

Erm...no guarantee of that. It's all down to skillful managership.

B

But surely with such players 2Legs, Ellen, Pencil Queen, BG and me (not to mention yourself) and the skill of OUR manager we're bound to hit the big time soon

I'm just of to do some extra training

How's it going? Have we made any progress?

Not yet. I was just thinking of playing a couple of matches. I'll keep you posted.

B