The 168th Greatest Story in the Universe - A Tribute
Created | Updated Jan 5, 2004
Part One
Tezza, Tel, Mr T. It didn't matter how he interpreted it, he just wasn't happy with it. There was something distinctly disturbing about Terry Horowitz' name that he couldn't quite place.
He'd been to psychiatrists, doctors, various experts - he'd even tried the opticians in case it was the way he was looking at his name. None of them could find an answer. Coincidentally all these people bizarrely decided to quit their jobs shortly after, which added more concern to his already furrowed brow.
The 34-year-old carpenter had always felt sort of out of sync with the world, as if he'd never been properly put into it. A bit of botched job. However, the true enormity of this didn't actually strike him until he walked through his closed bathroom door. Of course he was half asleep at the time, so technically he didn't notice it until the second time he walked through it.
Now at this point one would usually expect someone to go ‘What the hell happened there?’, but instead he just said, ‘Well, that explains a lot.’ However his follow-up reaction to this was ‘Why did I say that, I've just walked through a door, by jingo!’ and normal reactions such as running up and down and hiding in the corner for a couple of hours soon kicked in.
Eventually he decided to try to go through the door again, but it didn't work. Now he was in pain (after banging his head), as well as confused. He tried a few different ways of going through the door but nothing worked. He eventually decided he must have imagined it, leaned on the door and fell through it again.
For a few seconds he stared at the other side of the door that he had just fallen through. He touched the door. Yes it was solid. Then he pinched himself: yes, he was solid. So how did he (a solid object) manage fall through a solid door?
He decided to film it. He needed to prove this to someone if he couldn't do it again. So he got the camera out and tried to blank his mind. Unfortunately there was somebody yelling outside, distracting him (which if he'd thought about it would have been exactly what he was looking for, but he didn't). He explained to them that he needed quiet, but unfortunately Terry wasn't very good at explaining things, and so one of the two men who were arguing started having a go at him.
’What do you want mate?’ inquired the man.
Terry gave a frustrated look, given that he had already tried to explain what he wanted. ‘Look, will you just be quiet, I need to concentrate.’
’Yeah, concentrate on what? You’re just a pervert, aren't you? I know what you’re up to!’
’What?!? No, I'm not like that. You’re not listening. If you must know I need to fall through a door.’ Terry immediately regretted saying this, as both men started laughing inanely.
‘You’re a masochist then!’ said the man.
‘Look, just go away, will you!’
The man moved face-to-face with Terry, so their noses almost touched. ‘Don't mess in other people’s affairs.’
‘I wouldn't have to if you did this somewhere else!’
The man grabbed Terry by the throat. ‘I'll say it again. Mind your own affairs.’
Now there are two things you should know about Terry before this continues – firstly, that he is not a great diplomat, and secondly, that he has a mortal fear of being grabbed by the neck. So when the man grabbed him by the neck, Terry immediately kicked the man in the groin. Unfortunately for Terry however, the man in front of him was a part-time cricketer, and when the argument broke out was on his way to practice and already wearing his groin protector. So the only effect that Terry's kick had was that the man dropped Terry to the floor (it was still a shock, even if not as painful), and Terry now had a very sore knee.
’Help!’ yelled Terry at some people at the end of the road. Unfortunately they were the cricketer's mates, so they just stood and looked amused at the situation.
’You'll pay for that,’ roared the cricketer and he picked Terry up. When his fist struck Terry, the normal scenario of the person being hit going unconscious occurred. The problem was that the bit where the man being hit falls to the ground and stops there didn't, and instead Terry carried on falling through the ground. This was a shock to the cricketer (whose name was Alan) and also to all his mates. However, they knew no one would believe them, and they all went quietly barmy, and were never seen again.
As for Terry he kept falling through the ground until he hit a platform in an abandoned tube station. Terry wouldn't notice this for a good half hour until he woke up. Of course he regretted doing that the moment it happened.
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