h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I think I may need to get out a bit more... here's my contribution- and I ought to add a quick disclaimer- this is most definitely rated at least PG-13.


It may indeed have been daytime now, but the hobbits always had been, and always would be, filled with desire. Presently, groping and fumbling in the dark, Frodo gripped Sam’s Gollum. His master was in a fey mood. It seemed hard. ‘Well,’ said Frodo, ‘... if it’s the only way, we must...’. Grabbing from behind was an old game of his, and seldom had he failed in it. ’O, yes,’ he said often to himself when the evil mood was on him, ’We shall get it, O yes’.

Drawing a deep breath, Frodo looked and before him he saw the opening at last. Sam squealed, and springing aside onto all fours, said softly, ‘Yes, yes.’ Then Frodo stepped up. As the dark hole stood before him, with all his strength he got his feet firmly planted, then suddenly drove his Gollum at the dark arch of the tunnel. Out of it came a stench, not the sickly odour of decay in the meads of Morgul, but a foul reek, as if filth unnamable were piled and hoarded in. Frodo reeled. Then Frodo’s heart flamed within him. ‘Come, let us see what Sting can do’. Stroke after stroke he dealt, almost painfully, the tunnel utter and impenetrable. A great rent was made. Soft and a little unyielding it seemed; it pleased him.

‘Master, Master!’ cried Sam, even as Frodo shore through the dark within like a scythe through grass. ‘At last, my precious,’ Frodo whispered in his ear. One hour, two hours, three hours: how many had passed in this lightless hole? But how long was it, and how much more of this could they endure? Sam shrank towards Frodo. Sam gasped, calling and calling his master’s name, and gathered all his remaining breath to shout ‘Look out behind!’. ‘Look out Master! I’m’-- he cried, but suddenly his cry was stifled. Then suddenly released, Frodo, hobbit of the Shire, leaped and writhed and then hung loose. ‘Sam!’ he cried, not heeding the shrillness of his voice. He sprang out, shouting as he came. Taken off his guard, he toppled backwards. Sam laughed grimly. ‘Is that all?’

For a moment he caught a breath. He saw that the Gollum, which Frodo still held unsheathed, was glowing red. Fighting off both the sickness and the fear, he took the Gollum in his left hand. ‘Don’t go down’, said Frodo, and urgency came back into his voice. Frodo gazed in wonder at this marvelous gift he had so long carried, not guessing its full worth and potency. For a moment it began to burn, then as its power waxed, the hand that held it receded from it. Sam lurched and fell forwards. He looked ahead and he saw two things that increased his dismay. Desperation gave to Sam a sudden strength that was far beyond anything expected. Sam ducked and lunged forward again. He closed his hand about the precious Gollum. ‘Bite that Gollum and bite him quick’ said Frodo. Panting, yearning, Sam struck with all his force. ‘O yes, O yes,‘ cried Frodo. Almost he had reached the summit. Wild joy suddenly filled all his mind and body. His head whirled as with a draught of potent wine. His hold on Sam’s mouth slipped. Almost at once came a gurgling, bubbling noise. With a squeal Sam tore himself away, and stood up. That was enough for him.

Oh, excellent .... I laughed like a drain!!!

I see we were on the same lines - your story has kept a lot of tolkiens flavour.....almost like he had a nervous breakdown and descended into a world of hard-core!

Full marks, psychocandy

Thank you thank you thank you. It's always nice when someone can appreciate my deranged sense of humor. Your story was a big inspiration to me... someday, when I get something published, I'll credit you as an influence.

Thanks for letting me get in on this- I had a heap of fun, and look forward to doing another sometime soon!

most excellant...I HAVE to say - funnny tho' superdogmonkeys efforts are...I laughed more at psychocandy's. sorry sdm - all mately loyalty aside..I nearly died at work trying not to laugh out load...someone even thought I was having a fit.....

too good to be true...I'm off to a dinner party this weekend - I know the guy in question is a big LOTR fan, and these are perfect after dinner reading (if no one minds a little public performance) although I suspect copyright as been well and truely breached already....

psychocandy: thanks for making my friday afternoon even better.
sdm: top idea mate.

What shall we do next?

Let's pick something between us.

Dugdog, despite his scandalous comments regarding my fine LOTR story, had a good idea of cut'n'paste from an online book but where would you find such a thing?