h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Shelob's Lair - Remastered
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Sam sniffed his Gollum.
“Ugh! That smell!” he said. “It’s getting stronger and stronger”.
He thrust forward his Gollum, hissing and gasping, hanging by it’s thong, he bent it down and forward, until with a cry of pain, he dragged it into a beastly hole. He sprang out, shouting as he came! His Gollum seemed to grow numb and slowly drooped.

Frodo gripped his Smeagol with both hands ……….. it seemed hard ……….. with a hundred years of filth in it. Slowly his hand went to his bosum and he held aloft his Smeagol, the upper portion blew and swayed like a vast bloated bag.

Sam shrank towards Frodo and their hands met and clasped ….. Frodo lusted for sweeter meat.
“If I ever lay hands on you again, you’ll be sorry for it” muttered Sam and gasped and gathered all his remaining breath to shout “Look out behind!” he yelled. “Look out master! I’m…” but suddenly his cry was stifled as he saw things that increased his dismay.

He saw the Smeagol which Frodo still held unsheathed was the most loathly shape he had ever beheld, horrible beyond the horror of an evil dream.
Poor Sam ……. Frodo’s long clammy hand went over his mouth and another caught him by the neck, while “something” wrapped itself around his leg.

Frodo spat on Sam’s Gollum ……… it gave a little and then sprung back like a plucked bowstring. One end of it lashed Sam’s hand and he cried out in pain, starting back and drawing his hand across his mouth.
“Master, Master!” cried Sam “Do not be afraid, hold it up, the Elves would make a song of that if they ever heard it!”
Frodo fell over with Sam on top, and he received the weight of the sturdy hobbit in his stomach. A sharp hiss came out of his Smeagol , swaying and sagging between his legs, its great bulk was black, blotched with livid marks and underneath was pale and luminous and gave forth a stench.

Frodo, groping at Sam, gasped.
“There’s more than one passage here” he whispered.
He squeezed his soft squelching Smeagol into Sam ….. he moved with a horrible speed ….now he tried to quicken his pace and still the stench grew …. stroke after stroke …..
“Come!” cried Frodo, “On! On!”


And that dear reader, is all the time I have. Deadlines loomed but real life intruded on the fun I was having here.

laugh? I nearly s**t.....you are a genius man...a genius!

That's so funny! My favourite part has got to be:

"He thrust forward his Gollum, hissing and gasping, hanging by it’s thong, he bent it down and forward, until with a cry of pain, he dragged it into a beastly hole. He sprang out, shouting as he came! His Gollum seemed to grow numb and slowly drooped."

If I had a copy of the Lord of the Rings I'd participate, but alas I do not

- LOTR hater

That was absolutely brilliant, I've nearly wet myself! God, I love this part:

"Frodo, groping at Sam, gasped.
'There’s more than one passage here' he whispered.
He squeezed his soft squelching Smeagol into Sam ... he moved with a horrible speed ...now he tried to quicken his pace and still the stench grew ..., stroke after stroke ..."


I'd begun working on a submission myself... but I don't think I can top that! How can one compete with such deranged genius? We shall see, I suppose...

i just read it again

congrats sdm you duh man

Superdogmonkey: Yes, very funny dear.

Everyone else: Please don't encourage him

Please read Psychocandy's story on F113402?thread=252416

If only I had used some of her creative stylings!!

And thank you all for your kind replies ..... makes it all worth while!

I'm reminded of a classic Bat Man comics episode of the middle 1960s in which Superdog, Supercat, Supermonkey and Bat Mite (from the 5th dimension) all got loose in the Bat Cave at once, leaving poor Alfred to plug the holes in the walls and ceiling and paste the stalactites and stalagmite back in place afterward.