h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Has something in the course of the pantomime upset you or made you feel slighted? Or are there technical issues you wish to discuss? Come on in and tell me about it.

*The stage manager walks in, sits down behind the desk and sighs deeply*

*makes sure there are plenty of pens and paper on the desk, then watches the lobby through the one-way glass window*

*makes a silver star for the mouse cage*

[ in Boots]

Thank you sso much for inviting me forr a rrole in thiss lavissh prroduction. Yeou did not, howeverr, mention if there would be any dogss appearring in the Casst?

*hearing a disturbance in the auditorium, the stage manager sighs again, gets to his feet and goes to sort it out*

*returns carrying some popcorn and a glass of ; the stage manager pulls the old bar fire a little closer and sits down to resume his watch*

*puts her head round the door*

I just popped in to say that I finished repainting the set at the new bigger size. Everything is in place now.

[ in Boots]

Thiss iss ssuch an embarrassment to meow and to maiy RL ownerr. Ai will be much morre conscientiouss about which perrsona arrivess in the varriouss arreass. Ai had watched the Massque a few monthss ago and sseen ssomeone inadverrtantly do the ssame thing and vowed to maiyself that Ai would not make thiss ssame 'faux paw' when attending the Panto. Well...there yeou have it; before the currtain even went up, Ai gave maiyself away. Ai will, however, prress on with the charracterr, perrhapss leaving off the heckling and jusst ssitting quietly with maiy 'norrmal' on-line perrsona.

[/Purr in Boots]& the other clod

Quack!

*tries to hide in corner, ashamed of his ugliness*

[Back]: Are we back in the Stage Manager's office?
[Front]: Yes. I'll do the talking.
[Back]: OK.
[Front]: My rear end has written the opening number. She may have mad cow disease but she pens a good ditty.
[Back]: Are you suggesting I'm semi-skimmed?
[Front]: Be quiet. I'll sing the first verse for you.
[Back]: It's called 'The Queen of the Dairy Rap'.
[Front]: It goes to the tune of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air: kids want something modern these days. Of course, on the night, I'll wear my horns back to front.

*clears throat* sings*

[Front]:

Now this is the story all about how
We ended up working as a pantomime cow
It'll take just a minute; it's not very scary
We'll tell you the tale of the Queen of the Dairy

[Back]: Five verses in total.
[Front]: We'll go and lay the backing track down, shall we?

*has been attempting to smile reassuringly in the face of all the embarrassment and shyness emanating from players in the office*

*to Buttercup* That reminds me more of the Beverly Hillbillies. And we're not having anything so definite as an Opening Song unless you happen to arrive onstage first. As you all know, the Panto this year is to be much more... Brechtian. Or Beckett-ish.

Perhaps you could sit in a trashcan and sing?

*looking down* There there, Duckling, you're not ugly. You're just visually challenged.

[Front]: In the trashcan, eh?
[Back]: We've had worse reviews.
[Front]: Ah well, his loss.

*Buttercup ambles off to look for another job*

* Buttercup puts her horns around the door*

[Back]: Are we there?
[Front]: Yes, but he's not in.
[Back]: Gorgonzola! Well he's had a narrow escape. We wouldn't have minced our words.
[Front]: The curtain will be going up soon. We'd better go and do our makeup.

*they amble off back to their dressing room*

Where's the stage or do we just act in the locations already set up? It's just we wanted to burst onto the stage and say: Hallo every body!

*the stage manager paces up and down, worried, as the action begins to unfold*

Those gents are cutting it close. They're moving the other characters around without a by-your-leave. What if Cinders didn't want to make her entrance just then? I don't know what the mice are going to do now they've been tumbled to the ground, either. *sighs* They look like the litigious sort, too.

*paces up and down some more*

Dear Stage Manager,

What happens if we need a change of scene? We can't just all go away to find the eggs and bring them back, the audience will want to help.

Could we just say that the scene changes? That would be a bit unfair and could lead to an unweildy set.

Yours faithfully,

Seven Dwarves

The Cow has got some sort of audience participation song about eggs planned for the start of the next act.

*scratches head*

I'll have a think about it.

*a carrier flies in, drops witha a hand scribbled note attached to it on the desk and flies off*



Chère Madame Stage Hand,

When Mademoiselle Cinders accepted my arm after I had asked her for a dance, I took that as a yes - I am indeed sorry if I have failed to follow the script in doing so

You must forgive me - I only recently returned after a rather long lunch, and I am a bit out of practise when it comes to socializing

Please understand - mesmerizing females is more than a hobby for me - it is a way of life!

Avec mes sentiments distingués
Mysterious Stranger

*impales the Mysterious Stranger's note on a spike*

[to the dwarves] OK, listen up. *waves a battered copy of the script* Act I ends (possibly on or after Sunday) with a Magical Tour of the locations in the virtual world. It's not a Magical /mystery/ Tour because we know where we're going. We'll travel from thread to thread in the traditional manner, taking the audience with us, until we get to Wheedle, Worrit & Deedes. At that point we return to the Stage thread for Act II. Act II starts with the cow's song about eggs.

So get back on the stage and entertain. The show must go on. *grunts*

*listens to the dwarve's performance*

Sunday! I said, Sunday! They'll all expect the tour to start now.

*paces back and forth*