h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi abbi, Kea, anyone else who may be lurking (unlikely on a thread like this, but you never know!)

I know abbi is still having a very hard time from emails, thanks so much for taking the effort to support me despite feeling so awful.

OK, my turn to whinge!

As predicted, all that physical effort sorting out my flat after the departure of s**m has taken its toll physically.

The mental stress of all the debts, the threat of eviction, the split (again) with M, the disappointment over s**m not seeming to appreciate the efforts made on his behalf, yoda's illness, frustration with the seemingly impossible task of relocating to UK & getting some sort of job....

also takes its toll physically & mentally. I am unable to concentrate, anxious constantly, irritable in the extreme. Physically, i am falling apart. Both feet now have no feeling, both legs like lead weights, swelling has started again, back pain is becoming impossible, even sitting or lying down hurt like hell.

It honestly feels like the end of the line for me. Not much point in going to the Dr, i know damn well he can't give me any more meds, my liver is shot anyway, plus i am drinking again, which i shouldn't, but honestly it is the only way to get any relaxation at all.I did give up completely for a year & this obviously helped stave off the progression of things but that was when i was living with M, we supported each other, now i am alone pretty constantly, it is unlikely to happen realistically.There doesn't seem much point to be honest & i need the anaesthetic effects.

When i was at my worst with the drinking, he gave me a prediction of 2 months if i didn't stop. I reckon it's getting that way again. At least if he is right, i won't have to worry about finding another place to live!

What really gets to me is that this was predictable, i informed s**m of the likely effect on my health if i was left to clear up this chaos. Being young & fit himself, he probably thought i was exaggerating. I am not, believe me.

All i can do is try & give up the efforts with job hunting etc & sleep if it's possible, try & recuperate, but at the end of the day, all of us on here know damn well that once more damage gets done, it doesn't reverse.

What a pain, literally.

Probably time i made that living will & got it translated into French.

Hope you are all having better times than me.



Terri.

Terri I have missed hearing from you but I understand you do not feel like it every day or have the time.

I hope some good morsel has come your way.

It is very inconsiderate to say the least that your guest left that work for you to do. It is far beyond the norm in behavior. Not to mention the cost which you cannot cover. Stress is the last thing you need more of.

I know you have trouble with meds as I have.
You may do better with some meds now.
If your liver is affected by alcohol way you might reconsider. They used to think many prescription meds caused kidney and liver damage and then found out it is the over the counter drugs that do more harm in some cases.

As you know I cannot drink but I have never explained why.
Athough alcohol does help pain and spacticity for some in the short run it can be worse for the body the following day.

I have no scientific proof of this.
I had the oddest coordination problems 36 hours later.
Twinny and I had a rhyme about it but I forget it. I do remember we could not clap our hands and have them meet up the next day. We also had a scissor like walk at best. (years back)We did fine when under the influence.

Make of it what you will just thought I'd mention that.

I know some of our family members drank due to pain. Once I reached a cetain level I understood whyMaybe have another talk with your Dr though, they have learned an awful lot in the last decade about medications and you never know what may have changed. In fact medications is about the only area that has grown.
Hope to see you around soon.

So glad to see you, abbi, i was getting worried, hadn't heard from you in ages!

Are you any better?

Re: alcohol. I KNOW for a fact i am doing damage to myself, i am basically "self-medicating" mainly for depression & loneliness. Sleeping & daydreaming & reading trashy escapist fiction is all i can handle at the moment. Booze helps this. i am aware i should be getting off my arse & trying to Do something about the situation, but i HAVE, time & time again, & NOTHING seems to work! usually of course the stumbling block is our old friend money, which i can do very little about, except try & get a job, which requires money for phone calls, travel etc...round & round we go!

I told the doc last time i was becoming seriously depressed, but he just repeated he cannot give me anything. i can't believe that the alternative of drinking myself to death is better for my liver!

I'm worried he will send me off for blood tests & stick me into hospital, what happens to yoda then? M refuses to help, cant cope with the ones he's got, says "it's not my responsibility"

i am hoping i will just "come out of it" in time, but since time is in short supply cos of pressure to move, i am left wondering if it will happen soon enough.

I feel so bloody weary, everything is so much effort & my decision making capability seem to be shot, yet is vital right now!

Physically, i am a bit better, being forced to stay in bed seems to have helped, good timing also cos it was SO cold, only one little radiator, being under the covers with yoda much better!

Oh well, plod on i suppose.More slowly than before.

Thanks for being here abbi!

Take care,



zdt

"Self medicating due to lonliness and dpression"

Oh I see now.
Like others have said-
You really need to get out of France then.
I sure hope that can happen. You are very social and need a chance to bloom again. I think the rest would come to you if you could only talk to people and get some social circulation going. The rest would fall in line through word of mouth, friends and all that comes with those.

*hoping hoping hoping*
Wish I could do more for you...

Oh Terri, I'm sorry I've only just read this. I hope you are feeling somewhat better than when you wrote the above.

I've just posted on Eyes, wanting to encourage you to not go back to work. Please don't take this the wrong way - having just read the above I want to say - please go back to the UK. I _know_ this is easier said than done, but I feel if it is something you decide to do then you will get support to achieve this - both here and in the world at large.

One thing I thought of, reading your post - have you considered going into a residential recovery programme? I'm thinking about therapeutic communities where they provide the meals, accomodation etc plus therapy, group work, art, recreation etc. It can really take the stress off from the survival level (bill paying etc) and allow time to find what you need.

I know a bit about the ones in NZ and would be happy to do some web research on the UK ones.

It's not unusual in NZ for people to spend 6 months or a year in a therapeutic community, allowing them time to recuperate and heal. If you find the right place it can be a very good experience.

The other options are community houses, where you flat with people and then if you want to you can go to day programmes that provide support and counselling etc if that is needed. The good ones support people in their own power and encourage things like creativity.

Let me know what you think.


Wondering how are you doing this week too, Abbi?

That is a good idea - great new thought Kea.
They usually offer aftercare services and help with setting-up a new household too. Meeting people that stay friends for life is common.

I think it is important to be realistic about work abilities. You will be spinning your wheels for nothing and could mess up your disability payments if it does not work out.

Working is best for your self esteem if you can BUT if you cannot you need to get real about that. You could be setting yourself up for a worse crash later otherwise.

What is there for you in Fracnce? Have you done the basic pluses and minuses list? What are the short and long term positives to staying in France? I mean for you and only you not considering anyone else.

Hi abbi, hi kea, thanks for being so involved, it really means a lot.

Please see the posting i just made on birdseye re: the dilemma & moral choices etc. I would really welcome your comments, maybe on birds eye as to the general stuff & here as to my personal situation.

Yes, i have done what they always advise, made lists of pro's & cons. i can email you that if you like, don't want to put it in detail here, some is personal stuff.

My "gut" feeling is to try & hang on here as long as i can, try & make the best of things, build up financial & emotional strength. At least i still have a roof over my head at the moment, that is the most important thing. Plus i still have contact with "you lot"! i am trying to gradually get other people into my "TR" life, slow process, mainly because most of them are also involved in M's life & i really do not want to be pre-judged.

Physically, i am a lot better, warm weather helps & payday today, so treated myself to the necessary vitamins.

please send thought stuff so i can have a small win on the premiuym bonds, just enough to get me out of this!



Terri

"most of them are also involved in M's life & i really do not want to be pre-judged"

Are you relying more on the familiar than what is best for you?
That is the biggest and most common trap of all.
Change is hard and it is easy to resist.
Familiar "feels" easier but may not be easier or healthier.

A history of past abuse can tell us we are all right in bad situations just because we survived. It says the familiar can be trusted which is not always right if you want to thrive and have other choices. People prefer the familair most of the time. I just wonder with the extra push-pull of an abusive past if the familiar is an unreliable safety net in this instance.

In the past, whenever a relationship has ended, i have physically run away, put as much distance as possible between myself & the other person.

When K & i split, i was determined not to do this again, so stayed in Angoulême despite the fact he was (& is) still here. i was proud of myself for having "stuck it out" & really felt i might at last "settle down" somewhere.

But i think i now have to admit defeat, yet agai, i must move on, away into the unknown. But it is SO much more difficult now in practical terms, i am older, have the physical problems, even less of a support suystem than before (many of my long term friends are now dead)

I'm not as brave as i used to be.

What about a photographer on a cruise ship?

I understand the extra challenges which is why I think you need to think longer term if possible. I was ill for years before we married so I know survival alone. I do not mean an immediate big change even if it was possible. I am sure you will be there a while.

I wrote you another brief email.

I know I cannot change your mind on how you view it but I do not see this situation as a defeat of yours. It is a crisis but not a defeat or failure on your part.

Terri, thanks for your post here and on Eyes. I understand much better now where you are at. You sound clear in wanting to stay where you are in the meantime - until you get back on your feet and then you can decide what else you want, yeah?

Building up financial and emotional strength sounds like a good plan to me .

I can relate in a way. I'm having to build up physical and spiritual strength I guess, and feel very stuck where I am until I am stronger and can make different moves.

I agree with Abbi, too about keeping an eye on the long term. I guess that this has been my concern - I know what it is like to live in the impossible, where everything has to be an 'act as if' because there is no logical way out. But maybe we forget about the magic ways out that come and save our butts everytime (just not to our own timeframes though ).

So my concern has been about watching you making decisions from the impossible and wanting to say please consider this, please be careful, this is what it looks like from the outside...

I'll probably keep saying that from time to time, and the other thing I realised is that I already know you are an incredibly resourceful woman, and that I can support you in that, because that is where your power and strength lie.

I'm so glad you are making art again - that always seems such a good sign to me.



I've been having a pretty cr*p time lately. The weird thing is that this is interspersed with some days where I feel ok and actually enjoy things. Today I am too exhausted to remember when that was . It's like falling into a hole that you've been in so many times before that you know there is no point in freaking out, you just have to get on with the job of finding your way out again. It's the time that this takes that really bothers me at the moment, and the lost opportunities.

<>

<>

Both these statements apply SO much at the moment. i wonder whether it is entirely coincidental that, at the very point where i said "sod it, i am NOT going to go under!" & summoned my last bit of strength,someone seems to have appeared who...difficult to put this without it seeming like i am expecting this person to wave a magic wand & solve all my problems; I am not. BUT the fact that i seem right now to have & very good "TR" friend, whereas 2 days ago i didn't, is somewhat ....so thanks to the "powers that be", which includes you.

Anyway, let's keep those thoughts going, they seem to work pretty damn well at times!!!!!!!



zdt

"It's like falling into a hole that you've been in so many times before that you know there is no point in freaking out, you just have to get on with the job of finding your way out again. It's the time that this takes that really bothers me at the moment, and the lost opportunities." by Kea

Yep sounds familiar!
There is no magic way only the predictable unpredictability.
You have to create a flow within that system.
I hope you feel better again soon Kea.
I used to think I had done something right when doing well and something wrong when doing badly but it is never quite that simple. It does pay to pace yourself but it is never something you have complete control over

I have enjoyed your emails Terri
Glad you have some good excitement happening around you.

I've had problems with myelin going AWOL for over 3 years now, and I'm in the middle of my 6th attack. In some ways this one is the worst so far. Some activities, like typing this message, are awkward to put it mildly. (I'm normally quite a fast, accurate touch-typist. You wouldn't believe the number of typos I'm doing, not to mention the fact that my left arm is starting to ache. ) Other activities are hampered - I need to steady myself against the wall if I try to walk upstairs with a cup of tea, for example, and I'm using a stick to steady myself if I go out.

When my condition was first diagnosed, the doctor didn't use the term 'MS'. However, the more I read about that condition, the more sure I am that that's what I've got. I'm going to see my doctor on Monday and I'm going to ask to be referred to a neurologist for a full diagnosis and prognosis. I'll let you know what happens.

Great to meet you, cheerful ! What a lovely name!

I really hope you get some good news from the doc. Do keep persevering for a diagnosis. There are so many varieties of De Myelinating conditions aren't there? i have something that is referred to here in France as "polyneuritis", basically a blanket term for "multiple nerves committing suicide for no apparent reason" It seems to be incurable, though some days are much better than others. Luckily i am not really incapacitated by it, it makes life difficult & at times painful,but the major problem is trying to explain to people (in French!) just what the problem is, when i don't really understand myself!

I am lucky enough to have a wonderful doctor, who is very anti-painful invasive tests unless absolutely necessary. I am on mega-doses of Vitamin B1/B6, which definitely helps the symptoms.

Anyway, you've landed in the right place here, please go & wander around The Nation & post wherever seems appropriate. It's been sadly neglected of late as far as editing etc is concerned, but at least it's a place where you can be pretty sure others will have some sympathy for the problems specific to demyelinating stuff!

The other places we tend to gather for general chat etc are the journal space of abbi & myself, in my case it's on the "Bird's Eye" thread, do come & say hello, they are a friendly bunch! Not everyone there is connected because of De my Nat,but all are sympathetic (& possibly slightly ! (sorry no link, i am using someone elses computer, the is unfamiliar & makes it a bit difficult, I am sure you know what i mean!)

take care, squeak soon,

Terri

I could not seem to stay logged in
I am glad to see you have been welcomed Cheerful Dragon.
We do have somebody wake in the Nation around the clock!

It is nice to have you aboard, sorry to hear of the circumstances that bring you here....

With all of us on low energy the place has bit a bit quiet lately.
Please feel free to offer any suggestions or comments along the way or just stop by and ramble like me!

(rambling away also in a spirit of defiance!)



Terri

Well, I'm back from the doctor who has referred me to a neurologist, although my appointment probably won't be for another month or two.

What my doctor told me is that the results MRI scan I had 3 years ago were 'indicative of MS' (the words of the letter he received). Unfortunately nobody told me this at the time - the hospital doctor who gave me the results was a junior doctor, 'cos the head of department was off sick. It seems that hospital doctors, especially the juniors, aren't as good as GPs at giving patients potentially bad news. The way my doctor put it, "A hospital doctor will tell you you've got a malignant tumour. Most GPs will tell you you've got cancer."

He reckons I've been let down by the system. For one thing the hospital doctor should have told me I probably have MS, and discussed the implications and possible treatments with me. For another thing, he should have referred me to a neurologist then and there, rather than waiting for me to do something about it. On the other hand, I'm on my 5th attack since the initial diagnosis, so I've had plenty of opportunity to ask to see a neurologist. I just haven't because the first three attacks I had after the first diagnosis were very minor. I only went to the doctor this time 'cos Richard told me I ought to. I'm glad I did. At least I can put a name to my condition. And it is a *very* mild form of MS, so I'm not upset by the information.