To Whom It May Concern
Created | Updated Dec 12, 2002
November 28, 2002
Dear Sir or Madam:
It has come to my attention that Spain has a submarine. I am deeply concerned that such a weapon of mass destruction should be in the hands of a people well known for their passions and impulsive actions.
People who tap dance on table tops while rattling clamshells in their fingers would have much to answer before I ever granted them submariner's licenses. Men who will run thru the streets in a foot race with wild bulls or pen themselves in huge arenas to match their
swordplay against the horns of enraged beasts may not be suitably adjusted for the submariner's life.
This recent concern of mine comes as a result of developments surrounding a great environmental tragedy. It is best that I say little about Greek sailors, their ships, international oil companies and the suicidal folly of mankind's dependence on fossil fuels.
The fact remains that an enormous oil spill is killing life on the Spanish and Portuguese coasts because neither of those countries would allow the leaking ship to enter their ports for repair. They arrested the Captain and forcibly towed the ship back out into storm tossed seas hoping to run it aground in some less important place like Africa or France. Now a time bomb of several million more gallons has gone to the bottom of the Atlantic.
That of course is where the startling news of the Spanish submarine comes in.
Apparently the Spanish navy has deployed this asset with orders to assess the situation on the ocean floor. Admirable intentions yes, but I am at a loss to understand how they actually intend to 'explore' this situation. Captain Nemo's fictional 'Nautilus' may have had
picture windows but generally speaking modern military subs do not. They rely on sonar and radar imaging. They will see a bleak and negative picture at best.
Perhaps it is only their intention to precisely locate the wreck on sonar and then paint a large X on the surface of the ocean. Then if any oil comes up near the X it can safely be concluded it is coming from that wreck and not from HMS Ark Royal or any of several hundred other ships (and submarines) sunk in the general area over the
centuries.
Gathering conclusive evidence that oil C came from tanker P at point X will serve them well in the litigations to follow. Hopefully, should Spain be successful in suing the Greeks, they will put some of the money into double-glazed view ports for their submarine. Then they
could look for those nukes the Americans lost off Gibraltar way back in the mid-20th century.
Those atomic beauties will be getting pretty rusty by now. Unless of course the Spanish had double-glazing all along, and have recovered the weapons already.
I mean, did anybody really know they had a submarine?
Hoping you will take these thoughts into consideration,
I remain your most loyal and least dutiful savant,
peace,
~jwf~
To Whom It May Concern
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