Episode 9

'Nosty, he's been in office three years, and nothing particularly terrible has happened, unless you count most of his speeches,' Professor Neinstein reasoned. 'If someone had to remove a state, they could have removed a far more essential one than Nebraska. I know we need their crops, but we could live without it.'

'If we don't give these thieves a hard time, they'll be tempted to take Iowa, too,' Spot warned. 'And then Kansas and maybe even South Dakota. I don't like where this is leading.'

'I did a little research on Woodhed, too,' Weasel said, taking a bite of Danish pastry and wishing it were a bowl of fergerquargs. These Earth pastries from Alternate Universe 521 were too sweet and sticky. They stuck to the roof of your mouth when you tried to chew them. 'I know you like conspiracy theories, but Woodhed is no relation to the Yepswoops. His grandfather was Ashram Woodshed, who dropped the 'S' without thinking of the consequences. Ever since then his descendants have endured endless teasing about being blockheads.'

'I knew Woodhed's parents and his sister, who definitely weren't blockheads, but Wilson really is one,' Sprilznick said. 'Did he really think Congress was going to let him raise taxes on the top 1%? Still, that hardly makes him the embodiment of evil. '

'I think we've gotten off the track,' Spot said. 'For better or worse, without our help Woodhed is not going to be able to get Nebraska back. We must therefore intervene. Nebraska is our problem now.'

'That's because you live in an alternative universe that has lost its Nebraska,' Weasel said. 'Here in the good old 236,985th A.U., Nebraska is doing fine.' What was it about the Americans in A.U. 521 anyway? They were all blockheads, except for Spot. Weasel was sorely tempted to get some fergerquargs and to heck with the consequences.

'Maybe we can find an alternative universe that has two* Nebraskas?' Nostradamus wondered in his woolly-headed way.
If he hoped to prove that he wasn't an out of touch crackpot, this wasn't the way.

'I also did some research on the HTTP Indians,' Weasel said. 'I looked for them in ten trillion universes, and could only find them mentioned in one.'

'Which was?' Spot was definitely interested in knowing.

'Number 521, the same one that you and Sprilzick and Neinstein live in. Hard Drive and his associates are *not* extraterrestrials.'

'I suspected as much,' Neinstein lied. 'but the proof of the pudding is in knowing what universe they really live in.'

'Well, that's the bad news,' Weasel said. 'They're in A.U. 521, same as you guys, but they're in Dimension 666.'

Not much was known about Dimension 666, but the few reports that existed were uniformly bad. There was a moment of silence. Those who knew about Dimension 666 were depresed. Those who didn't know didn't like the number 666 because of its association with the Antichrist. This lull in the conversation was broken by the sound of wind chimes as Weasel opened the door and trudged back to the kitchen to make more coffee. The 'wind chimes' were the florgars singing. This meant that they were happy. They were the only happy lifeforms in Weasel's home at the moment.

Paulh

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