h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

PAY ATTENTION! The Hooverville clock strikes 10. At 10:04, the power goes out in Hooverville. At 10:05, there are 'assorted booming noises' at some distance south of town.

POSTED FOR CAIMAN RAPTOR ELK:

So if I toss this crowbar into that transformer cabinet we just opened with said crowbar, it should turn off the streetlights in all of Hooverville? You do know that I am emotionally attached to that piece of iron, do you?

Hey, phone!

Hello Mr. Doe. Changed your mind?

DOE: We finished our social media investigation and decided it would be a shame to put a stop to all those culinary wonders in your town.

Lucky us!

DOE: Do you happen to know if the Waffelhaus is still open?

I think the Waffelhaus has already closed down for the night, as it is more of a breakfast and lunch venue, but we have some other eateries. Why?

DOE: Well, the cavalry is nearly there, and what with the very short notice, nobody took anything to eat.

You called off the bombers? I was just about to murder the local power grid, so that you wouldn't have to do that.

DOE: We called off the bombers... It is just that we lost radio contact with one of them. Sorry about that.

YOU ARE SORRY?! Did you ever wonder about your Vogon ancestry? Good day to you Misterrr!

---Toss---

ARC / FLASH / BANG !

---Dark outside---


And now we wait...

I think I hear something coming. Time to take cover.

BOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!! BANGG!!! (multiply by 24-ish, I was too distracted to get an accurate count)

Let's see... Ten fingers, ten toes, needed eyes for that so checked those, ears ringing so still present. That's about it.

Still here then.

Phone's out, but I have an idea of where I need to go right now.

Turnout gear, now! Man / Woman / Neuter the trucks in five! We're going to check out the damage.

Follow me. It looks like the explosions came from the direction I sent Stéphane, near Killinickaguffy Creek, so apparently the decoy idea worked. Holy smoke, can't see a lot in this dust cloud... STOP!!!

Now that is what I call a serious hole in the ground. Looks like it is already filling with water.

Ah, There's Anna. Everyone OK? Good.

You couldn't get a screenshot of Maps in time so you just projected a big red X? Like in: "X marks the spot"? How cliché... But it worked, that's the important thing right now.

It's a shame of the land you bought, now it's flooded. You are going to petition with the Mayor to turn it into a swimming pool? Yes, Shellshock Resort seems to be an appropriate name...

Since nothing is burning or otherwise in danger here, I propose that we return to the station and see we get the power back on. Maybe we can get the cavalry to do that for us.

At 10 pm, Wlad is still playing music on his keyboard. At 10:04, he is not playing. The power is out.

'Oh, dustbunnies!' he curses. If the power stays out, he'll need the Backup Generator for the midnight concert. He listens for the siren, but instead hears a loud boom from south of the town.

'What now?' he thinks. 'An accident in Petrolia?' He hopes not. The refinery blowing up would be a very bad thing. He looks out the window and sees nothing. Then he lights a candle and takes out his cell phone.

He tries sending a text message to his friend Zbigniew, but gets no answer, so he calls instead.

'Hullo,' says the voice of Zbig. 'What's up?'

'Hi, Zbig, this is Wlad. Where are you?'

'Shoulder deep in a cow,' is the reply from the imperturbable farmer, who is perfectly capable of combining veterinary practices with talking on a Bluetooth device. 'Daisy's in the process of becoming a mother. Again.'

'Congrats,' says Wlad. 'Did you hear a loud noise just now?'

'Ayup. Daisy complaining. It's okay, honey, the calf's halfway out now. Won't be long.'

'Er, no. It was more of an explosion. Southwest of you.'

'I hope it wasn't Petrolia…is your power out?'

'Yeah. I don't know for how long. I wondered if you'd be available as backup generator.'

'Sure,' comes the calm voice. 'Just as soon as Daisy's done here. Ah…here it comes! Isn't that the prettiest sight in the world? Gets me every time. If I had my hands free, I'd send you a pic.'

Wlad laughs. 'I'll take your word for it. Good work, you and Daisy and…. What's the calf's name?'

'Let's see…looks like a girl. What about Reba for my favourite singer?'

Wlad is glad Zbig can't see him rolling his eyes. 'Perfect,' he says. Personally, Wlad thinks country music has gone downhill since 'Streets of Bakersfield', having lost its former ironic glory, but he can't really get Zbig 'into' Medium Leslie. 'It's just not redneck enough,' is Zbig's assessment. Still, Wlad is in awe of Zbig's animal husbandry skills. 'Give Reba a hug for me, once you've cleaned her up.'

'Will do, good buddy. Let me get them settled and clean up, and I'll come operate the backup generator for that organ of yours. I'll get my Harley out.'

Wlad asks, 'Do you belong to that bike club in town?'

Zbig snorts. 'Are you kidding? They came around, but I told them, I have a licence and inspection for this thing. I have a licence to ride it. But the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania don't say I gotta join no club to ride it, and I ain't a joiner. I also don't need lessons in being 'woke' from that bunch of dust bunnies.'

'Thanks,' says Wlad, laughing, and rings off. That's that then, he thinks. Even if the power stays off, he can play the organ because Zbig will be there to operate the manual bellows pumps. 'If it worked for Bach, it will work for Hooverville,' he chuckles. He's glad Zbig's coming, because Zbig is reliable and can keep up a rhythm – unlike his backup backup plan, which involves bribing a fast food employee. They tend to be inefficient pumpers. And even if the juice goes back on, Zbig's good company. They can have a beer afterward.

Since the power is off, he decides to play piano. 'There's a lot to be said for acoustic,' he thinks.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E6EzzbPprHc

[Caiman: sorry, I moved the air strike to south of town in farm country and away from the river, so I gave you a creek.]

While Arsenio was talking to Eias, his phone rang. It was Fuller, who wanted to know if he could come over and watch "Duck Soup" on his large screen TV. at his house.

"That was my cousin Fuller," Arsenio told Elias. "You remember him. He's inviting me over to see a movie."

"I guess Ill be on my way, then. I'll come over to see your "Messiah" concert next month. I bet it'll be great! Think about what I said, though. Hooverville needs your coffee."

Arsenio got into his car and headed for his cousin's place. Fuller had converted the land next to his house into an RV park. This, in fact, was how he made most of his money. The pottery factory had ts ups and downs, so the steady revenue from the RV park helped stabilize the family's finances.

At some point during the trip to Fuller's place, the streetlights went out.

One of the RVs had been outfitted with a home theater. Fuller and Filbert were about to start "Duck Soup" when Arsenio arrived, though it appeared that the emergency generator would need to be used to provide electricity.

"Elias Holtzinger dropped by this evening," Arsenio said as he sat down.

Fuller's expression darkened. "You blew him off when you left Punxsutawney," he scolded. "After his wedding you let him think you were heading to Florida."

"I thought I really *was* going there. Then Aganista began having health problems, and I've been at the china shop ever since."

"Punxsutawney's only thirty miles away. You were such great friends. You could have gotten together occasionally. Why didn't you?"

"I just never got around to it," Arsenio said.

The truth was, there was more to it. Elias's parents became very frosty toward him, as if they thought he was preventing their son from having a more varied social life. Then Elias began seeing a woman who became very possessive, and Arsenio felt left out. He didn't even enjoy living in Punxsutawney any more, and would have left with or without Aganista's problems. So, who blew who off first?

"Anyway, I enjoyed seeing Elias again. He has twin boys, and they run his wife ragged. If he sets up a store near here, I'm sure we'll see each other more. Oh, he gave me some business advice today. He thinks I should sell coffee in my china shop."

"Haven't I been telling you that for the past year?"

"Yes, you have. I haven't jumped at the idea, though. I sold coffee in my father's shop from the time I was ten. That's forty years of it. I've enjoyed not selling coffee while I've been in Hooverville. I can do it again, though, if that's what it takes to stay solvent. Elias predicts a new courthouse that will inject a lot more people into downtown. The Waffelhaus will get a lot more customers. I could sell coffee without cutting into their business. But here's what I will try: first thing Monday morning I will start giving complimntary coffee to the first ten customers who come into the china shop. After that, we'll play it by ear."

"You might also buy out that coffee shop owner at Shop til you drop. He wants out, and you know how to run that kind of business."

"I couldn't be in two places at once, Fuller, nor do I want to hire people and supervise them from a distance. If selling coffee is such a great idea, why couldn't you open a shop here? You have hundreds of people boating down the river. They could see the sign for your shop and come in. You could put in a dock for landing. In the meantime, I'd like you to come up with with some irresistible coffee mugs. They could set a trend for reusable receptacles. Less solid waste from paper or styrofoam cups."

"Let's start the movie," Fuller said. "Remember how Aunt Aganista regarded Margaret Dumont as a tragic heroine in those Marx Brothers comedies?"

"Yes. She never saw the humor."

"And neither did Margaret Dumont. But they don't make them like that any more. Those ladies who tried to uphold the standards of society are gone. I miss them already."

"Well, I miss the Marx Brothers, too. What a strangely unironic society we have now. So many people who have no clue about their shortcomings."

"And no one is on hand to throw pies in their face."

They both laughed, and watched the movie with great enjoyment. No one was going to have a pie-throwing orgy in Hooverville. The days of that sort of thing were long past. Still, there were plenty of other silly things people could get up to.

*Horrid? Really? Oh come on!* Cal stirred her tea, thankful that after seven years of American pee, in a few short hours, she'd finally get a decent brew.

One of the few things she'd missed about England.

Kerplunk, obviously!

And, more obviously, a good strong mug of Yorkshire Tea...oh and a choccy Hobnob….and him, very obviously.

*So you're telling me that some gang of volleyball playing rednecks are hunting tourists and foreigners to 'make Hooverville Great Again'? Are they all balding and orange too?*

The snarky question was lost on the prospects. They had their scripts and we're keen to stick rigidly to Old Mac's plan.

*If these idiots are so ...so..so horrid, how come I've never heard of them?*

*The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.* The prospect, known simply as Dimples, smiled back, he had been waiting for hours to use that line.

As if to emphasise his words, the lights went out.

*Bloody stupid trailer!* Cursed Cal, *I'll go set the breaker...again!*

Dimples blocked the door, trying to look protective and manly, even though it was pitch black.

*Sorry Cal, it might not be safe for you* he gestured uselessly but ominously, *Out there!*

*So I'm supposed to sit around here, in the dark, waiting for my plane, like some, erm, like a girl who, erm…*

A large boom echoed through the woods, shaking the trailer and causing Dimples to drop the teapot.

*Now that was a horrid noise…..what do you think Cal?* (Dimples was inwardly impressed that Mac could come up with something that loud and realistic to add to the yarn).

*That's just a ...erm...sounds like a….....arghhhh!*

Cal threw her untouched Liptons into the sink and sulked off into the bedroom.

Sheriff Rowdybush is sitting on his sofa watching TV when the power cut happens. First he jumps, then he blinks, thinking something has gone wrong with his eyes. There isn't even any moonlight to help him, so he starts to feel anxious. He puts his hand on his chest to check his heartbeat and feels the small flashlight in his pocket - eureka! He brings it out, turns it on and is relieved to be able to see the beam of light.

In the next moment, he hears BOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!! BANGG!!!

He jumps again. The flashlight slips out of his hand and rolls underneath the sofa. In the dimmed light, ears ringing, he checks his heartbeat again and reminds himself to keep breathing. When he has recovered from the fright and has heard no further Booms, he crawls on to the floor, fishes the flashlight out from under the sofa and crawls over to the Hoovermas Present cupboard where he keeps his emergency lamp. The emergency lamp lights up the whole room and helps the Sheriff to gather his thoughts.

He climbs into his wheelchair and calls through to Sergeant Beatty on the walkie-talkie. She has turned the emergency lamp on in the reception area, and has seen that the fire trucks have just been mobilised. Suspecting these events might be something to do with the FBI, the Sheriff goes out and climbs on to the Police Motortrike to do a patrol, check the town is still standing as well as possible, and see if he can find out what is going on.

Main Street looks strange plunged into darkness. Only the headlight on the motortrike and small lights in apartment windows shine out. The only sound is the rumble of the motortrike engine, and as he approaches Wlad's house, he hears the sound of the piano, and is again impressed by the musician's skills. The Sheriff is relieved to find the buildings are all present as expected, and he will just have to wait until after sunrise to check whether there has been any particular damage.

He patrols past the Church and over to the University again, then heads round to the River and then back towards the Fire Station.

[One wonders whether the power will be restored by midnight. ]

[Well the cavalry had an ETA of 1030 hours, so they are already late. Probably took a wrong turn..]

[I'm putting the power back on in town at 11 pm. Plan accordingly. Power restoration courtesy of the electric company, who are out all hours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I9zmHXl7zvI ]

Lola manages to fall asleep almost at once, which is a miracle.
So as fate would have it, all hell breaks loose almost at once.

Vrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... Psheeeeeeee.... BOOMOOMOOM!

In a second she is out of her bed and under it. There are no load-bearing walls here so this is the best she can hope for.

Vrrrrrrrrrrr...

Silence again. Better stay under here a little longer, though, just for safety.
There is no light coming in from the street. Must be a general power outage. Send an arm out to pick the flashlight from the bedside table, and switch it on.
Now we wait.

She turns to lie on her back, as comfortable as she can. That will have to do.
She looks around her with the flashlight. There is an unhooverly amount of dust down here. She really must clean up, if the house is still standing in the morning. Shame she didn't grab her sticky notes.

All is quiet. Has the town been sucked into oblivion?
What does the song say again?
"Ne'er have we heard such glorious humming"...
There was a vrooming sound, could it be that?
"What is that light so cheerily blinking
Here in the night across our eyes?"
The lights blinked out, is that what the song is about?

Oh Hoover, is it time for the Goodly Suction? And her house in such a state! She is sure to end up in the downstairs afterlife, where there is dust everywhere, and the damned are kept under the furniture, where the Hoover can't reach.
All she can do now is pray. And hope. And, should this actually *not* be the end, make amends.

Our Hoover,
Who art in the heavenly Closet,
Swallowed be Thy Name,
Thy Suction come,
Thy sweep be done,
On carpets, as is it in the Closet.
Give us this day our daily cleanse,
And forgive us our spatterings,
As we forgive those who spatter against us,
And lead us not into pollution,
But deliver us from staining.
Amen.

Vrrrrmmmvrrrmm

This is a different humming. One that she's heard before.
Where? When? She can't remember, but it makes her feel safe.

She hazards a hand out. Nothing happens. She slides from under the bed. Yes, the humming comes from outside.

She tentatively tiptoes to the window. The Sheriff is wheeling down the street on the police motortrike. That's why it sounded reassuring.

He doesn't look concerned.
To be honest, he doesn't look anything, in the dark, really.
Still, if there was any danger, he would have had the siren ringing. Or he would be shouting an evacuation order out of the police megaphone.

Lola can't hear the siren, or a megaphone.
There are no other sounds apart from the motortrike.
No neighbours screaming in terror, no dogs howling, not even cats meowing for a refill of their bowl.
That means it's probably safe. Okay, maybe that last one is a bit worrying. Then again, it is not even eleven. They usually do that around three am. Yes, probably safe.

She thinks about having a cup of tea, goes to the kitchen, then remembers you can't boil a kettle with a flashlight. Water it is, then.

[ Brilliant Hoover's Prayer! ]

Suddenly the lights go out and Wilhelmina and Cassy are alone in the darkness that is Main Street. Wilhelmina stops immediately.

'Great, the power is out. Just what I needed right now. And the moon is already gone. Wonderful'

Cassy rubs her head on Wilhelmina's leg.

'Of course, you have no problem with this at all.'

BOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!! BANGG!!!

Wilhelmina jumps, runs and hits a lamp post. It hurts. She sits down on the sidewalk, umbrella and potplant still in her hands.

'Cassy?'

Nothing. The cat was obviously scared and ran away. But what was that? Wilhelmina sits there, shaking. It is almost completely dark, there is almost no distinction between the blackness of the sky and the blackness of the houses around her, only the houses don't have stars on them.

Hoover, what was that? Did the Great Dust Bunny arrive at last? Was there some delay in the summoning?

She looks around, squinting, but still sees nothing. Wilhelmina puts down her flower pot and umbrella, gets up and then picks both up again once she finds them in the darkness. Using her umbrella in a way she imagines a blind person using their cane, Wilhelmina 'feels' for the wall next to her and for any obstacles in the way. She should be at the corner soon, then she has to turn right into 5th avenue, then walk a bit again until she reaches the door. And that's just what she does. She reaches the door and feels for the lock, then searches for her keys in the pocket of her coat.

She curses.

She checks the other pocket. Then the first pocket again.

There is no key. Wilhelmina must have lost it when she hit the lamp post. She curses again before she starts to slowly walk back the way she came. Wilhelmina just reaches the corner and is about to turn left into Main Street when she sees a pair of glowing yellow eyes in front of her. A sabretooth?

Wilhelmina runs. She doesn't know where she is running but she tries to get away as fast as possible. How fast is a sabretooth? It probably would have been better to not run after all, maybe she now is even more interesting food.

Bang!

Wilhelmina hits something in the darkness. If the lights wouldn't be out already they would be out for her now. She lies on the ground. Behind her a motorcycle turns around a corner. A flying saucer crosses the sky. In Main Street a racoon celebrates finding half a sandwich. Its eyes glow yellow in the darkness.

[I can't top that Electric Company video, but the admirable Tom Lehrer wrote lots of songs for them. Here's one about the letter "D":

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJLK7KaGlLs]

[ I didn't know he wrote those, thanks.]

[I'm a connoisseur of extremely silly songs...]

It was comfortable in bed. Hermione told herself she deserved a decent night's sleep after such a tiresome day. She was drifting off to sleep when she heard an enormous 'BOOOM'. For a moment,she thought she might be dreaming, then reached out for her bedside light. It didn't work. Still half asleep, she slid out of bed and nearly stepped on Minx, She apologised and stumbled across the room and pressed the light switch. Nothing. Suddenly, she was fully awake. There must have been a power cut, and that might have been caused by an explosion.
There was a procedure for explosions. Move away from windows, take cover in a room with strong walls and ceilings or under a table. Don't panic. The trouble was, as Mayor, she was responsible for ensuring the safety of the citizens. It was her duty to remind the citizens of Hooverville that they needed to take cover. She needed to act. Blundering around in the dark, she found some warm clothes, dressed and hurried out into the street. There was a megaphone somewhere in her office. She told herself she knew the way to the Town Hall blindfold, but she kept bumping into fences and tripping over kerbs. When she reached the Town Hall, it took a lot of fumbling to fit the key into the door. She felt her way along the corridor to her office and found the megaphone which was provided for announcements. Thus equipped, she stumbled back into the street, and walked up and down proclaiming. “There has been an explosion. However, there is no cause for panic. Hooverville Town Council have everything under control.”

Caiman wins Best Scenery Destruction for the 'serious hole in the ground.'

Paulh's characters get the Unbridled Ambition Award for trying to buy everything in Hooverville that Anna hasn't nailed down.

Minorvogonpoet gets the Official Response Award because you gotta love that megaphone.

Freewayriding wins Best Incorporation of a Sound Effect in an Ongoing Narrative.

Superfrenchie wins the Theological Innovation Award for tonight, praise Nighthoover.

And SashaQ and Tavaron win the Spirit of the Blitz Award for soldiering on in the blackout.