h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Between 2014 and 2018 Historic England set itself a task of listing at least 2,500 War Memorials by the 100th anniversary of the end of the Great War, and though it more than achieved that, there were many war memorials that inexplicably had not been listed, including my home town of Sandown's. I was delighted to see this week that this omission has finally been corrected. The war memorial itself was designed by local architect and cunning linguist Percy Stone, who you may remember I quoted a lot from last year in in 'Written in Black and Wight'. One of his poems, written in Isle of Wight Dialect and published in 1911, was 'The Recruiting Sergeant';

I chanced to be i' Nippert town
—'Twuz on a market daay
An' auver-right t' ' Rose an' Crown '
I met a zargeant gaay.

Hes hair wuz iled, hes cap atop
Wuz bunched wi' hribbons vine
Hes coat wuz laaced, hes trousies vaaced
Each zaide wi' a hred line.

Zhouts he, a ztridin' oop an' down,
A gorgeous zight to zee,
'Hroll up, my lucky lads, hroll up.
An' jine our grand armee.'

'Times be baad,' zaas I. Zaays he,
' 'Twull be t' very thing :
Zo, ef you'rn willin', taake t' zhillen.
An' zarve our grashus King.'

'Not me, my zargeant gaay,' zaays I.
'To vight I doan't knaw how,
Wi' zword an' gun an' sech like vun —
I'd liever volley plow.'

'Theer's glory an' renown,' zaays he.
'Mebbe,' zaays I, ' vor you.
Chance I vear, wi' all their gear,
I might git hurted too.'

'Lor when they zee my sojer laad,
Zo boold an' brave an' gaay,
They'll hev a vright—they'll niver vight.
But turn an' hrun awaay.

'Bezaides,' zaays he, ' a vine young chap,
Ez what you zim to be.
Should not stop hoam, but come an' hroam
The world along o' me.

'Theer's goold to git an' loot to zell.'
Zaays I, ' I med git zoold :
Best ztop I vow an' mind my plow
Then be a sojer boold.

'Wi' zwords an' guns aw'm not acquent.
I'd liever use a zool.
'Ten't in my waay, my zargeant gaay ;
Goo—dry another vool.

'None o' yer blood an' war vor me—
I'll baide at hoam I vow.
Cuckoo,' zaays I, ' Goo to, zaay I—
I'll ztick to meyaster's plow.'

(I can write a translation into modern English if need be).
Still on Remembrance Sunday I paid my respects at the service by the War Memorial at 11am.

That afternoon my wife returned from the shops with new pillows that she'd bought, saying that our pillows were flat. She'd bought us both different, special pillows; mine were labelled 'for front sleepers' and hers were labelled 'for side sleepers'. How we're supposed to tell the difference, if there is any, is beyond me. What happens if my front sleeping pillow ends up the wrong way up? Will I have to sleep on my back? And I don't lie face down on the pillow, you know. How do you get the pillow sides the right way round? So much more complicated with these new-fangled things rather than the basic model.

<BB<

I chanced to be in Newport town
—'Twas on a market day
And opposite the 'Rose and Crown'
I met a sergeant gay.

His hair was oiled, his cap atop
Was bunched with ribbons fine
His coat was laced, his trousers pressed
Each side with a red line.

Shouts he, a-striding up and down,
A gorgeous sight to see,
'Roll up, my lucky lads, roll up.
And join our grand army.'

'Times be bad,' I say. Says he,
'It will be the very thing :
So, if you're willing, take the shilling.
And serve our gracious King.'

'Not me, my sergeant gay,' says I.
'To fight I don't know how,
With sword and gun and such like fun —
I'd rather follow my plough.'

'There's glory and renown,' says he.
'Maybe,' says I, 'for you.
Chance I fear, with all their gear,
I might get hurt, too.'

'Lord when they see my soldier lad,
So bold and brave and gay,
They'll have a fright—they'll never fight.
But turn and run away.

'Besides,' says he, 'a vine young chap,
Is what you seem to be.
Should not stop home, but come and roam
The world along with me.

'There's gold to get and loot to sell.'
Says I, ' I might get sold: [conned]
Best stop I vow and mind my plough
Then be a soldier bold.

'With swords and guns I'm not acquainted.
I'd rather use a zool. [Sheep stake]
'It isn't in my way [manner], my sergeant gay ;
Go—try another fool.

'None of your blood and war for me—
I'll bide at home I vow.
Cuckoo,' says I, ' Go to, say I—
I'll stick to master's plough.'

<BB<

Good luck with the pillows - I noticed those new-fangled designs a while ago when I was wondering if I needed a new pillow, but I was so confused by it I didn't get one after all...

It will be an interesting experiment for you to compare the two different styles of pillow. I hope your new one is comfortable!

I have a memory foam pillow that I have to be careful with when the sheets are changed, so it ends up right-way up...otherwise I get a crick in my neck...

I liked the poem! I could read all but the word 'zool'. Thanks for the explanation.