Fairytales for Grownups: The Old Woman and Her Pig
Created | Updated Feb 8, 2015
You think you know your fairytales? Guess again.
Fairytales for Grownups: The Old Woman and Her Pig
English folktales are full of bucolic scenes, folksy wisdom, and…
…well, barnyard animals.
This one has been updated to suit the times.
Once upon a time, a senior citizen of the feminine gender was returning from the local farmers' market with her purchases, made possible by a generous pension from HM government. In addition to dragging her wheeled trolley containing the tasty, organically grown fruits and veggies she'd acquired from the nice Polish gentlemen at the market, Granny Smith was also leading along a stout young pig on a lead. The pig looked around in polite curiosity, as it had never been off the farm before. It was rather looking forward to the its next adventure.
The first person the two encountered was a pink-haired teenage girl wearing a t-shirt that said, 'My other body is a Lamborgini.' She stood in Granny's way and called, 'Oi!'
Granny blinked. 'Oi, yourself, dear. And what might you want? I haven't got any spare change.'
The girl rolled her eyes. She spoke slowly and LOUDLY, as she had the impression that anyone over 40 was deaf. 'Where are you takin' that pig? Whatcha gonna do wif 'im?'
Granny looked surprised. 'I'm taking him home to fatten him up. He'll do nicely come next Christmas, I think.'
Pink Hair did a double-take, arms akimbo. 'Yer what/ Yer gonna eat that poor little piggy? Aren't you ashamed? Don't you know that Meat Is Murder?' The girl fairly shouted this last part, to get the point across.
Granny's eyes narrowed. 'Listen, you unspeakable little Vegan fashion victim,' she hissed. 'On my pension, I'll take the nourishment I can afford, thank you very much. My budget won't stretch to bean sprouts and exotic Cambodian veg-e-taybles, I'll have you know. Out of my way, or I'll have the constable on you!' And she elbowed the astonished young thing right off the pavement, as she soldiered on to the bus stop, trailing trolley and pig behind her.
The Number Ten bus rolled up to the stop, and the door opened. 'Oi, missus,' called the driver. 'Is that a service animal?'
'Indeed it is,' lied Granny Smith sweetly.
'Well, okay, you can bring it on board, but please don't sit next to any Jewish people. We don't want any more flak from the Daily Mail about 'cultural insensitivity'.' Granny promised to ask her fellow passengers about their religious preferences before seating herself. Then she showed her pensioner's pass, and a kind gentleman lifted her trolley onto the bus. Granny started to mount the steps into the public transport vehicle.
'Come on, piggy, ' she said, and tugged on the lead. But Piggy wouldn't budge.
Piggy, you see, had been listening to Granny's conversation with Pink Hair. And he hadn't enjoyed the discussion one teeny, tiny bit, no, sir. Piggy's mam hadn't raised any fools – well, technically, she hadn't raised any of them past the suckling pig stage, but you get the drift. Piggy was a clever little porker, and he had no intention of becoming dinner in the near or distant future. So he sat down, and refused to budge, no matter how hard the senior citizen tugged.
'Come on, ' Granny urged. 'Move yourself, and we'll go for a nice ride on the big red bus. Then Granny will give you an apple.' You'll put it in my mouth for decoration, thought Piggy, and sat like a steer in the road1.
It being market day, there was quite a queue at the bus stop, mostly waiting for the fleet of 54s that hadn't come along in a while. Soon, the crowd had gathered around, discussing the pig issue. There were a variety of opinions.
Some felt that, frankly, pigs shouldn't be on public transport at all. They weren't dogs, and they'd be claiming seeing-eye cats next.
Others agreed with the pink-haired girl that eating pork was unhealthy and immoral, and were all for rescuing the not-so-wee creature, and taking it to a wildlife sanctuary. Supporters of this option began collecting spare change for the cause.
A local folksinger decided to join in the controversy, and composed a song on the spot. People began singing, 'Give pigs a chance!' Some took mobile photos and sent them to their Facebook accounts, while others started a Twitter campaign, #freethepig. The bus driver started to leave – he was behind schedule – but the bus passengers wouldn't let him. They were involved, and they hoped to get on YouTube.
Soon, they had their wish: Sky News showed up with a camera crew and filmed the whole thing. In an online poll, 83% of Britons voted to Free the Pig, and there were rumours that the cast of Babe would reunite and organise a telethon.
By the time the RSPCA arrived, it was all over bar the shouting. They took the pig into custody, and the crowd dispersed. The bus driver took off, about two hours late for his route. The people at the next stop didn't notice, because they were used to irregular service.
Sitting in the bus with her trolley full of veggies, Granny Smith wiped away a tear. 'What am I going to do for my next Christmas dinner?' she said. 'I was looking forward to a nice bit of ham.'
Her neighbour patted her knee reassuringly. 'That's all right, love,' she said. 'You can always have some Brain's Faggots. Them giant companies 'ave got the big euros to fight the vegans.' Granny nodded dumbly – it had been quite a day.
