Up until about half an hour ago today I had no idea how I was going to fill this space. There was nothing in the news that I particularly wanted to address, and in any event, I wanted to make this a straightforward carer's eye view again, after several successive more general pieces. Then I remember that I had a job to do and I knew what I wanted to bring up with you.

You may remember a couple of weeks ago I was writing about how I was trying to get through to my wife's mental health care team to chase up a referral letter to her doctor which had not yet been sent. At the time it was 14 weeks since the original appointment, now it's 16. Today an Occupational Therapist visited the to talk to R (and me, I do like it when professionals want to talk to me as if I were involved) about how she can best help R with her general needs. She apologised several times that she couldn't do anything now. Sadly, R now has no especial confidence that anyone will do anything to help her, so she actually found these apologies annoying. This is a shame because the disappointment she feels at one failure colours her judgement against other professionals saying they want to help her.

So today, again, I have to call the mental health care team and try to persuade somebody to do something. This is difficult for a number of reasons. The first reason is that it is very hard to get anyone useful on the other end of a phone. Usually the person I want to speak to is busy, which explains why they haven't managed to write a letter in 16 weeks. There is also the issue of the fact that I would prefer not to alienate people whose support we still need. That has always been my primary argument against making a complaint right now. The other reason, and the other problem, is that I am really not that good at complaining.

It's not, I think, that I'm not capable of losing my temper. I am, that's the problem. Partly the problem, anyway. When I lose my temper I become ranty and inarticulate and I lose control of the argument. I once lost my temper with a man who was charged with explaining to me why someone else had not increased R's rate of DLA in spite of the fact that I had argued that her passing out made her a risk to herself. He suggested that perhaps she wasn't passing out often enough. I yelled about how often she needed to fall, and whether I shouldn't just wait until she cracked her head open and then phone them back. It may have made me feel a bit better, but it didn't help. What helped was getting a clear grip of which aspects of R's health they were interested in, and focussing on those. Also, getting outside help.

Aside from this I am insufferably tolerant. I want to point out that mental health professionals should understand all too well the impact of leaving a client feeling unsupported for so long. I was to remind them that I, the unqualified, untrained person in this equation, am effectively doing all the work to keep things moving. I want to point out that I'm only asking for a letter – how long could that take? I'll draft it if they wish, all they have to do is sign the thing. Despite all of this I can't help remembering that they're terribly over-stretched and overworked, and hearing from other social care professionals who I know and respect that they too are snowed under with work, I can't find the exact message and I can't find the exact way in which to say it. The trouble is, if I don't do this, nobody else will.

Do you find this? How do you complain to people without risking the breakdown of the professional relationship? As a carer, I suspect that my natural demeanour makes me suitable, but as a complainer, I don't think it helps. I'm an empathiser and a sympathiser by nature, not a shouter and a ranter. Do other carers find this problem too? Do other non-carers? If you do, please let me know and tell me what, if any, answers you have. If you're a carer, or suspect you might be, why not drop in on us at Carers of H2G2.

benjaminpmoore

02.06.14 Front Page

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