h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: How to apologize insincerely - A87824235
Author: Happy Nerd - U8584330

Sorry about this.

For the opening, I might add that perhaps the person needed telling something that you knew would upset them in the short term.

In Strike and the defensive rebuttal, I've seen the sexist/racist card played a lot by people who refuse to admit they deserved an insult. Rather than thinking "Hey, you're right" they think, and more often say "You're only saying that because I'm a woman" (etc), and even if you did insult just because of that, calling them out on playing that defensive card can be a great way of not having to apologise.

With the offensive apology, you could also go futher and combine it with a strike apoligy too. Stephen Fry is famously quoted as saying:

“It's now very common to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that.' As if that gives them certain rights. It's actually nothing more... than a whine. 'I find that offensive.' It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I am offended by that.' Well, so [bleep word beginning with f] what."

So an offensive strike could be pretty good.


I do like the way that it starts simple, and ends by showing how to construct insincere apologies in more detail.

I must take this to heart and practice more. That's all.

A really good piece Happy Nerd, it makes me think and reflect on my own, sometimes unintentional, insincere remarks.

This sits so well with one of my favourite h2g2 Entries, Mastering Villainy in Seven Easy Lessons, A78662082 which it totally brilliant.

And it's great to have you back!

Crikey. I thought this was going to be tongue-in-cheek At first it made me uncomfortable. Then I thought - "Maybe there's some useful stuff here", then I thought "I really ought to be more assertive".

I hope that was your aim.

I think a different title would indicate that you're not training people to be actually insincere, but rather explaining how to interact with others in such a way as they oughtn't to feel put down, even if they are and how to make your point.

That thing about offense being *entirely* subjective is also very important. Really the bottom line is: "There are always alternative points of view" (Oooh - DNA reference with the POV gun!)

But I don't expect you to back down on the title, let alone apologise

Another way of failing to apologise is to employ a diversionary tactic, avoiding any reference to your misdeeds if possible.

"It's so easy for things to be misunderstood isn't it? I mean, communication is a wonderful thing, but it's interesting how two people can have completely different interpretations of precisely the same words. Did you how that there's some Chinese words that look exactly the same written down, but totally change their meaning depending on context and pronunciation? It really is a linguistic minefield out there, let me tell you. How, I really must be going, but it's been lovely talking to you."


Geggs

Can I also suggest the "passive voice" (non-)apology or the politicians apology?

Although I intuitively understand the difference between active and passive voice, I struggle to articulate it. It's something along the lines of whether the subject is mentioned in a sentence or not, although a good rule of thumb is whether or not you can insert the phrase "by zombies". If you can, it's passive. Probably the entry doesn't need a long diversion into all this!

But, by way of illustration...
"I made a mistake" (active)
"Mistakes were made" (passive, because we don't know who)
"Great harm has been caused" (passive)
"An apology is on order" (passive)

The removing of "I" or "me" or "us" is a classic politicians' tactic to distance themselves/colleagues party from it, by deliberately not owning it.

I think you've got a winner here.

People who notice this sort of behaviour - and wince - will laugh.

People who actually DO this will feel justified. (Which they do, anyway, or they'd learn better.)

So everybody's happy. Well done!

Thank you, Pastey, Milla, Lanzababy, TC, Geggs, Otto, and Dmitri for your reviews and the warm welcome back to PR. I’ve missed this - and you.

Pastey, I was trying to hit an altogether snarkier note. Something that captures that special Chris Christie brand of apology. You know, start by mocking the people you’ve bullied, work your way up to throwing your own staff under the bus. Let me think about your suggestions a bit. There’s something to be said for building to a crescendo.

Lanza, thanks very much, seems like I had a brilliant subeditor on that one.

TC, thank you so much.

Geggs, I can’t believe I forgot to include the diversionary tactic. It actually was in my notes. Well, what I actually had in my notes was ‘Repeat magic word Benghazi, Benghazi, Benghazi …'

Otto - very good suggestion. The classic 'mistakes were made’ non-apology.

And it seems I forgot my own non-apology - the ‘not sorry’. Perhaps I can find a place for that without running too long or getting too convoluted. Or perhaps that should be an entry for another day.

Thank you all for reviewing this entry. I even got a compliment from fluffy kerfuffle, who sent an email this morning to tell me she thought the piece was droll and my writing is amazing. Or something like that. Who would have guessed she still cared.

An excellent Entry.

Working in a field where we all make an occasional mistake, this is quite a familiar situation.

I just wanted to mention John Wayne's character's line in the film 'She Wore A Yellow Ribbon'. A few times one of his subordinates offered an apology for some action, he replied 'Never apologize - it's a sign of weakness'

As this is an American film, I wanted to make sure you knew about it



F S

I'm not a big John Wayne fan.

You forgot, "I'm sorry you feel that way..." with or without the "but".

No I didn't.

I'm not at all sorry I'm not a John Wayne fan.

I meant in the entry

More for Tom, then.

Wait, that only works for chocolate and such, doesn't it

Mm, HN chocolate

There's an idea.

I'm no, I'm not

I did not think that offering an appropriate quote, that might add an excellent conclusion to your fine Entry, implied any endorsement of the long dead man who was paid to say it.

I am sure he no longer cares one way or the other about your opinion.

Is there a correlation between insincere apologies and unreasonable offences?

Just a rhetorical question



F S

A probability distribution where the offense and the apology are random variables? Oh that would be funny.

Why would I not be surprised to see you do that, HN?

I started out feeling uncomfortable about this, but ended up finding it true and witty.

The politician's non-apology is a great art. "I regret this happened" (But it wasn't my fault.) "I understand how you feel about this" (But you're just an ordinary idiot and I'm much better informed.)