Having a Badger for Dinner
Created | Updated May 19, 2013
Hello my darlings! I'm Auntie Winnie. Dmitri has asked me to give a little series on the culinary arts and the finer points of hospitality. Well, colour me chuffed! I've been doing this for years in the village, but this is all a little overwhelming! But come along with me. We'll be dining in style quicker than you can say "Jack Robinson"!
Having A Badger for Dinner
This week, I'll deal with a subject that Mrs Beeton - poor child, she always looked a tad apoplectic to dear Albie and I - forgot to put in her book of household management. How to have a badger for dinner.
Table Settings
Badgers, you may have noticed, are the custodians of a prodigiously pointy proboscis. A "PPP", as Charlie Linnaeus and I used to call it. For this reason, a shallow soup bowl should be avoided. Instead, your guest will be able to eat better from a long jug. I have found an old flower vase to be a boon for feeding visiting badgers!
The badger is a rather vain animal, and resents his lowly status in the animal kingdom. Any reminders that he is not really a man are therefore to be avoided. All cutlery should be made of old silver with a fine patina of tarnish. This will prevent his glimpsing an unwanted view of his stripy reflection. Such a thing could lead to a panic attack. You should also indulge him by providing a smoking jacket and tobacco pipe.
Now, it is never to be advised that one should burn the evening meal, but this matters less when the guest to dinner is a badger.
Badgers are written about in Pliny, and by the poet John Clare in the 18th Century. This proves that the badger, like myself, is a consummate time-traveller, and can transport back to a time before the main course burned.
Warnings
Badgers make charming dinner guests, despite the risk of panic attacks. There are just two points to remember.
- Alcohol: Don't go to the wine cellar for a fine claret. Meles meles prefers rotten fruit, which can make him rather squiffy. But take caution and lock up the fruit if he starts to sing the Battle Hymn Of The Republic.
- Beef: Under no circumstances does a good host present a badger with beef. Badgers are so used to taking the blame for bovine tuberculosis that they are very nervous about being seen near dead cows.
Well dearies, that's all Auntie has time for this week. If you eat well, and may your badger be a happy one! Follow these tips, and you'll be the envy of the local Women's Institute!
