h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Someone help me out here.

I wrote a story for a short story competition in work for Learning at Work week (I'm not sure what possessed me at the time). To my utter amazement I came third and the story was put up on our Intranet..

It is a Science Fiction story.

I am now struggling with self-confidence. Part of me would offer it here for others to read. I have though of expanding it. The other, lilly-livered part of me does not think it is worthy (I am my own harshest critic!).

Help!!!

t.

Oh, share the story. Nobody here throws things. We just like to read and talk.

We will help, we will be constructive, we will do our very best to be kind... but we do need to see the story in order to be able to do that...

OK

Jumping Through Hoops by turvy - A87733128 . Just shy of 2000 words due to the competition.

Be kind, please

t.

Wow. A scifi story with real science in it...hats off. I think I want to jump with the spaceship.

My take on this: I like the vividness. Too often, stories like this leave me cold because I can't see anything happening. The writer's too involved in selling the idea.

That said, I don't think you should let Pringle or the Chancellor 'think' anything. Your story is all about things that *happen* - what people see, what they hear, speeches that are made. Since you haven't set the characters up in such a way that we usually get inside their heads, don't tell us what they're thinking. Make their actions and words speak for them.

What do I think would make your story pop? Tighter descriptions. You say it's 2000 words? I think it should be 1500 or less. The sparer the prose, the more the idea's going to come out.

I've been meaning to reply for a few days but now I'm back at work time is short.

I see where you are coming from in relation to characters 'thinking' and stripping thoughs out would make for a faster paced and sparer story, however the title and themes were not of my choosing but were dictated by the competition. I struggled to fit all I wanted in to 2000 words in the end.

I may yet modify and extend the story should the muse take me again!

t.

I posted this at the entry but it looks like
I shoulda posted here. Especially since Dmitri
has also commented on the 'thinking'. I had a
completely different reaction to turvy's shifts
of character and perspective.

>>
I like the way you flow from one voice to another.
The narrative, the dialog, the internal dialog and
two distinctive declarative voices of the speeches.

A very refreshing style for introducing characters,
settings and events quickly. It reads like the exciting
first chapter to a longer, deeper, fuller storyline.

I was left wanted to know more. An unusual reaction
for me when reading short stories.
<<

Glad to see you have an extension for this story in mind.
I wanna know what happened to the ship. But first I wanna
know what happened to Clare.

~jwf~

Sorry ~jwf~ I missed that over there. Somehow although I created the entry I'm not subscribed to it

Thanks for your feedback

t.