So the vicar has stopped the Saturday morning kiddies club, just because the organist found sweet papers stuffed in one of the organ pipes. Apparently it was mine that did the deed; well I can't say she didn't or did, but she has said she didn’t so I went with that!
So he's turned up, at the house! All attitude! Believe me he's not at all pleasant, but I rose to the occasion. He started out with 'the organ sweet paper incident', and was quite nasty at my nipper, so I told her to go outside and feed the pigs. Off she goes to feed the pigs and the fun started. I asked him to sit down so we can talk it out, but no. I was quite annoyed but hey ho! Then I asked if he's been around to any of the other parents? No, he answered, I don't need to! Ah! I said, (I can see that the vicar has made up his mind over my nipper's involvement in 'the organ sweet paper incident'), so just how do you know it was mine? Was she seen? If so, why did the person who saw my nipper not say something?
Well! Came the reply. She was seen eating sweets, when none of the others were eating sweets, and also she went missing for about 15 minutes.
So who gave out sweets? I asked.
Mrs BLAHdeBLAH gave them out!
Right, I said, and then, Just how did you find out that the sweet papers were stuffed down one of the organ pipes?
On the following day, when the organist played a lower G chord, and they were all blown out, all over the organist's assistant! I just sniggered at that point. He was trying to understand why I was sniggering! He then started at the bonfire night party we were having, and the fact I make the fireworks and it's a local tradition to try to hit the church with them. Oh Yeah, that's the real reason coming out now, I thought, so I said, Yes, the practice of trying to hit the church started in the 1930's with the 23rd vicar. He too used to make fireworks just like I do, and he was not as good as me at making them, as he set the vicarage on fire, so it's a tradition that one of the squibs goes over the church.
Well it's got to stop now! Health and safety and all that!
OK, I said, I'll stop it. I think we could work around it.
Ah good, he said, I'm glad you've seen sense, no more firework parties on the common.
So I said, The party?? The whole party?? I thought you were on about just the punt over the church?!
Oh no, he said, the whole thing! Very dangerous is the firework party.
So I've changed my mind. Rowlocks to this! I say, and just how the hell are you going to tell the rest of the village that the party is off! A village meeting?!!
Sure! he's responded , and that daughter of Hades won't be allow her tuppence worth too! (That's got to be Ally, the landlord to the local pub and trannie) so I said Whatever, and oh by the way, you do know that the village council doesn't have control over the common, the commoners do! That's just nine families in the village: they might not agree with you, and as I'm one of the commoners, I won't be voting to stop the fireworks. Also, they won't be at the village hall at your meeting either, as we hold ours at Ally's pub because she's one of the commoners too.
He just looked, then he said, You have to get some planning permission don't you, for your new house extension.
Yes, I said, and I suspect you're going to try to stop that too. Well, there's the door, FORK off, you small tiny little pip-squeak of a man!
The nipper was coming back into the house with about eight eggs she'd found, and the vicar just looked at her and said Your daddy isn't very nice is he!
She just looked, and then said, Don't forget to shut the gate as you leave!
Ah, that's the ticket, I said, So you've been de-egging the garden, eh?
The nipper said, Fried egg on toast?
Yeah why not, go and ask the better 'alf if she fancies some…