'How To Be a Table-Dancer' 3.0

0 Conversations


This entry deals with how to be a table-dancer, exotic dancer, stripper, etc. It should be noted beforehand that the industry of which table-dancers are a part is not legal in all parts of the world. There are also places where table-dancing clubs are merely fronts for brothels, or where there is at least a great deal of overlap between the adult entertainment business and the prostitution business.

Where stripping is legal, there are still hazards that are part of the job. Some table-dancing venues are located in really sleazy areas, and safety can be a concern. Customers may also be a source of harassment, abuse, unwelcome propositions, and/or threats. While it is the responsibility of the management of the club to protect the girls from rowdy customers, and while most places are good about this, forewarned is still forearmed.

If you're aware of the risks involved in the business, and you're still interested in pursuing it, then here is some advice, based on the experience of a veteran table-dancer:

Dancing on tables...

...being more lucrative than waiting tables, presents some opportunities for the genetically well-endowed with some physical coordination to make a killing for college tuition or whatever.

A Little Explanation

There are places on this planet where humans gather, mostly male humans, or 'guys', to be convivial, or 'drunk' to use the colloquial term, while watching naked or nearly naked human females dance on tables for money. And human females, also known as 'girls', hope the guys have a lot of money to spend too because that, and residual moments of inertia, are what makes the world go round.

Now if you're a girl with a nice body, or aspire to be one, then read on because there will be some helpful hints for you. If you're a guy with rippling pectoral muscles, you can probably do some of this stuff too, in the proper venue that is. That's why you have to determine what gender you are. Like if you're a girl, it helps to have breasts, also known as 'a nice set of knockers'.

Getting Started

The emphasis will be on girls for now because the information comes from people who were raised that way ok? So once you've checked out your anatomy to confirm that you do have breasts, you're ready to get started.

Of course even a girl without a huge bosom can get by if she's creative with her dance routines and if she knows how to pose. That's a little difficult to articulate of course, but you'll know it when you see it, so just check out what other girls are doing and always remember, repetitive repetition is only exciting if you're doing it yourself. Watching it only causes people to yawn... repetitively.

For instance, you can get down into a reverse all fours position supported on your hands and feet with your navel pointing at the ceiling ok? Then you skitter around the table like a spider, hoping the guys will put money or other negotiable paper in your thong panties or garters because they're grateful for getting an eyeful. It also helps to similate pelvic motions associated with human mating activities, also known as 'sex'.

Unfortunately, this can get old, that is, 'boring', pretty quickly, because apparently guys have attention spans somewhat shorter than houseflies. So it helps to have some other stuff you can do to keep the interest and money accumulating.

Pole Dancing

Being able to climb or shinny up a chrome plated pole is a very useful skill to include in a really creative routine. In many places these poles are actually installed in the centers of the tables, which have centers because they're round so all the guys sitting at them get pretty much the same show and don't have to yell, 'Down in front!' or something.

However, you need to be able to do this stuff with some semblance of grace. And if you seem to be a little uncoordinated the first time, don't dispair, because you may already have the requisite skills. For instance, you could practice the routines from those gymnastics lessons your mama paid for that went for nothing because you got breasts before you got on the Olympic team.

Applying your youthful gymnastic skills diligently, you can quickly learn how to strip while hanging from your clenched thighs upsidedown without falling on your head. Stripping upsidedown is also known as giving the audience serendipitous viewing opportunities, because it might cause your breasts to pop out of your bra almost by accident, encouraging the guys to giggle and knowingly nudge each other, thereby contributing to male bonding, or... whatever it's called.

You'll soon realize too that pole dancing is sort of different from what fireman do when they slide down one, because the idea is not to put out the fire but to start one. That's because poles, or 'metaphors', aren't just poles to the guys watching.

They're actually symbols of what guys play with to make themselves go blind or something. So just take your time, with the beat of course, and don't encourage the guys play with their symbols or they'll go blind and won't see your act.

Things to Remember

Also remember that all your moves should be orbital, as in going around in a circle or ellipse, so you don't get to the end of something, jerk yourself out of joint, and risk a collision with an asteroid or the floor. Plus, stay in shape to avoid injuries from straining muscles you didn't know you had because you never bothered to ask your body where those muscles were. Remember too that guys aren't going to pay to see something they can see at home for free.

For instance you might note that his wife already has a paying day job and maybe even a prenuptial agreement that entitles her to at least half his assets, dead or alive. So she doesn't have much incentive to keep her abs enticing.

You, on the other hand, do, because you want to keep your night job and stay in the running for the thousand dollar 'private performance' opportunities that sometimes present themselves along with the high rollers, also known as 'guys who are top executive officers of obscenely overvalued multinational corporations'.

Heck they might even take you to Cancun1 for a week and really make your month, so don't be shy. Give it a try and the rest of the night is yours babe... or theirs.

1...or 'paradise', a coastal resort city in Mexico. Very nice.

Bookmark on your Personal Space

Conversations About This Entry

There are no Conversations for this Entry



Infinite Improbability Drive

Infinite Improbability Drive

Read a random Edited Entry


h2g2 is created by h2g2's users, who are members of the public. The views expressed are theirs and unless specifically stated are not those of the Not Panicking Ltd. Unlike Edited Entries, Entries have not been checked by an Editor. If you consider any Entry to be in breach of the site's House Rules, please register a complaint. For any other comments, please visit the Feedback page.

Write an Entry

"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book. It has been compiled and recompiled many times and under many different editorships. It contains contributions from countless numbers of travellers and researchers."

Write an entry
Read more