How To Be a Table-Dancer

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Dancing on tables, being more lucrative than waiting tables, presents some opportunities for the genetically well-endowed with some physical coordination skills to make a killing for college tuition or whatever.

So, you want to be a table-dancer, an exotic-dancer, a stripper? It's a tough job, but there's lot of money to be made, if you know what you're doing. That's where this entry comes in. Here you'll find sound advice, to let you know what to expect, and how to avoid the pitfalls in the business.

There are places on planet earth where humans gather, mostly male humans or guys, to be convivial, or 'drunk' to use the colloquial term, while watching naked or nearly naked human females dance on tables for money. And human females, also known as girls, hope the guys have a lot of money to spend too because that, and residual moments of inertia, are what makes the world go round.

Strip clubs, or topless bars, or whatever you call them, exist in just about every community where there are men and women. Before getting a job in one, you might want to check on a couple of things. What's the legal status of 'adult entertainment' in your community, for starters? Is the club really what it claims to be, or is it a front for a brothel? In certain parts of the world, you can pretty much count on the answer to that second question being a yes.

In most of your more developed countries, the business is legit; the clubs just can't be next door to schools or churches. They often end up in a part of town that poses its own risks, so this in another thing to be aware of. If you've found the club, and decided that working there is the job for you, the next question is whether you're the one for the job...

Now if you're a human female with a nice body or aspire to be, read on because there will be some helpful hints for you. And if you're a male human or guy with rippling pectoral muscles, you can probably do some of this stuff too, in the proper venue that is. That's why you have to determine what gender you are. Like if you're a girl, it helps to have breasts, also known as a nice set of knockers.

The emphasis will be on girls for now because the information comes from people who were raised that way ok? So once you've checked out your anatomy to confirm that you do have breasts, you're ready to get started.

Getting Started

Getting the job isn't that hard, unless you've chosen a really ritzy place to work in, where they might want you to have some experience already. At most clubs, you just show up and talk to a manager or something. They agree to let you try it out for a night and see what you think. You check the place out, get a feel for it, see what the other girls are doing and what kind of costumes they're doing it in, and you get ready for your first night dancing. Being flexible and basically in good shape will help here, although you can make money whether or not you can hold paper currency between your breasts while doing the splits.

Of course even a girl without a huge bosom can get by if she's creative with her dance routines and she knows how to pose. That's a little difficult to articulate of course, but you'll know it when you see it so just checkout what other girls are doing and always remember, repetitive repetition is only exciting if you're doing it yourself. Watching it only causes people to yawn... repetitively.

For instance, you can get down into a reverse all fours position supported on your hands and feet with your navel pointing at the ceiling ok? Then you skitter around the table like a spider hoping the guys will put money or other negotiable paper in your thong panties or garters because they're grateful for getting an eyeful. It also helps to similate pelvic motions associated with human mating displays also known as sex.

Unfortunately, this can get old, that is boring, pretty quickly because guys have attention spans somewhat shorter than house flys. So it helps to have some other stuff you can do to keep the interest and money accumulating.

Different places are set up differently. In most clubs, there's a main stage, where one girl at a time does her main routine, for one or two songs. While you're dancing up there, guys can approach the stage for a closer view. You give them a little show, and they give you a tip.

Some clubs only have the main stage. Others also have side stages, which often double as tables. There's usually some rotation, from the main stage and then around the room on tables, some of which might be equipped with poles...

Pole Dancing1

Being able to climb or shinny up a chrome plated pole is a very useful skill to include in a really creative routine. In many places these poles are actually installed in the centers of the tables, which have centers because they're round so all the guys sitting at them get pretty much the same show and don't have to yell, 'Down in front!' or something.

However, you need to be able to do this stuff with some semblance of grace. And if you seem to be a little uncoordinated the first time, don't dispair because you may already have the requisite skills. For instance, you could practice the routines from those gymnastics lessons your mama paid for that went for nothing because you got breasts before you got on the Olympic team.

Applying your youthful gymnastic skills diligently, you can quickly learn how to strip while hanging from your clenched thighs upsidedown without falling on your head. Stripping upsidedown is also known as giving the audience serendipitous viewing opportunities, because it might cause your breasts to pop out of your bra almost by accident, encouraging the guys to giggle and knowingly nudge each other, thereby contributing to male bonding or whatever it's called.

You'll soon realize too that pole dancing is sort of different from what fireman do when they slide down one, because the idea is not to put out the fire but to start one. That's because poles aren't just poles to the guys watching.

They're actually symbols of what guys play with to make themselves go blind or something. So just take your time, with the beat of course, and don't encourage the guys play with their 'symbols' or they'll go blind and won't see your act.

After the rotation of stages, again depending on the club, you usually have a while to 'work the floor'. This means spending a little more quality time with your customers, and making a lot more money. It's different from club to club, but there's usually some arrangement where you can dance for one customer for an entire song, for a sum much larger than what you make on the main stage. This might happen right there at their table, or it might be a 'lap-dance' in a different room entirely, or just off in a dark corner.

This is where your club's rules will come into play. Most places have some kind of 'no touching' policy in effect, and there are bouncers to enforce it if a guy starts getting fresh. More frequently, guys will just say things that might or might not make you uncomfortable. You get used to it, and remember, you don't have to dance for anyone you don't want to dance for.

Plenty of your customers will be perfectly nice and well-behaved, and have lots of compliments for you about your dancing, your body, and whatever else they can think of. More to the point, they'll keep paying you for dance after dance, and everyone's happy.

Getting Paid

This is, after all, why you're there. Rules vary from one club to the next, but a typical setup will involve 'tipping out'. You collect tips from customers all night, at some fixed rate per dance, plus anything extra they decide to give you because you're just so charming. At the end of your shift, you'll be expected to give some fixed amount of that money to the DJ, waitress, etc. The amount you have to tip out may vary, depending on how many nights you work that week, whether you're a regular or a first timer, and other factors.

After tipping out, the rest of the money you've made is yours, and if it's enough to cover rent, food, tuition, etc, then you're making a living!

Things to Remember

Table-dancing can be exhausting, physically and emotionally. The physical part is obvious, but the mental one is also important. It's hard to explain, but fulfilling a bunch of guys' fantasies, night after night, takes something out of you. Some girls are able to present themselves very naturally to their customers, just being themselves and being friendly. More commonly, you'll find yourself putting on a persona when you're at work. Having a stage name can help with this, and it's a good way to keep your professional and personal lives separate. Something that can help with this, and also make your act more interesting, is to use a costume that represents some sexy persona: a naughty schoolgirl, a cheerleader, a secretary, a dominatrix... whatever.

Back to the physical aspect...

Remember to stay in shape to avoid injuries from straining muscles you didn't know you had because you never bothered to ask your body where those muscles were. Remember too that guys aren't going to pay to see something they can see at home for free.

For instance you might note that his wife already has a paying day job and maybe even a prenuptial agreement that entitles her to at least half his assets, dead or alive. So she doesn't have much incentive to keep her abs enticing.

But you do because you want to keep your night job and stay in the running for the thousand dollar 'private performance' opportunities that sometimes present themselves along with the high rollers, also known as the guys who are top executive officers of obscenely overvalued multinational corporations.

Heck they might even take you to Cancun2 for a week and really make your month, so don't be shy. Give it a try and the rest of the night is yours babe... or theirs.
1Because it's physically demanding, pole dancing has also become a popular type of exercise, in some circles. In purely fitness oriented pole-dancing, it's not expected that you take your clothes off.2A coastal resort city in Mexico. Very nice.

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