h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

trust the yank cops.

-------------------------
After getting all Pope John-Paul II's luggage loaded in the limo, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," Says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!", pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that; he's really important," said the cop.

"All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

"What d’ya got there, the Mayor?"

"Bigger."

"Governor?"

"Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "who is it?"

"I think it's God!"

"What makes you think it's God?"

"He's got the Pope driving for him!"

lmao
sums up the intelligence of american policemen really
im suprised they dont shoot eachother

Yeah. Think of the excuses...
"George Bush is a terrorist! He seemed rather well informed about what happened on September 11th!"
The fact that he's the most important men in America counts for sod all.

no the man who changes the loo rolll is more important than him

well more intelligent anyway

I can just hear Bush's voice...
"Why's it wrapped up in all this tissue? It takes it ages to get it all off!"

lmao
'the man who hit his head on the side if a table when he choked on a pretzel'

Who would he arrest for grevious bodily harm? The table or the pretzel?

niether(?) he couldnt tell the difference

He'd try to eat the table, sitting at the pretzel!!

lol u can just imagine it
then he would choke on the table and hit his head on the pretzel
omg that is ridiculous

oh these aren't jokes but they r quite funny

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why..

The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards..

The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways.The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated,dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed.".

The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate..

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic.".

Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason..

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means, "the king is dead".

Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."

Camel's milk does not curdle.

Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

Non-dairy creamer is flammable.

When opossums are playing 'possum', they are not "playing." They actually p*** out from sheer terror.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building..

If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will not be heads 5,000 times, but more like 4,950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom..

The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified.

The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural. (i knew that one and its not actually the longest word cos the longest word doesnt exist. You can make any word longer if you add prefixes and sufixes. You end up with words like 'megapreantidisestablishmentationallizings')

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life."

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.(i knew that too)

"Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's baby daughter, Ruth.

Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always all the same sex.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

The phrase "sleep tight" derives from the fact that early mattresses were filled with straw and held up with rope stretched across the bedframe. A tight sleep was a comfortable sleep.

"Three dog night" (attributed to Australian Aborigines) came about because on especially cold nights these nomadic people needed three dogs (dingos, actually) to keep from freezing.

Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy. The skipper's real name on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's newscast about the wreck.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been overmixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since. [It floats in gasoline, too.]

Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.

There are three credit cards for every person in the United States.

Where the hell did you get all that stuff?

i made it all up.

no not really, someone posted it on another message board

Cool. I need to get those funny typing errors onto this forum sometime. You'll like those.

:P
ive got some of them somewhere

dear sir please excuse michael who was absent from school yesterday with a sore trout

james is oone of a rare bread

joan of ark was burned as a steak

many people died of the blue bonnet plauge

volcanoes erupt with saliva

there are 2 kinds of book, friction and non friction

chaucer was a master of english pottery

a magnet is something u find in a bad apple

the epistles were the wives of the apostles

my ancestors were pheasents who came here from germany

these are all actual examples. needles to say, you or i would never do it we're far too inelegant

just rememberd about this:

English!
This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave, not for the faint-hearted.
It will make you crazy if you think about it too long! It was passed on by a linguist, the original author unknown. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers.

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

(1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
(2) The farm was used to produce produce.
(3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
(4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
(5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
(6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
(7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
(8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
(9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
(10) I did not object to the object.
(11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
(12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
(13) They were too close to the door to close it.
(14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
(15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
(16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
(17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
(18) After a number of injection! s my jaw got number.
(19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
(20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
(21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor is there ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? Or the plural of moose, meese? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? (Humans?) Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.



very nice language we've got

LOL LOL LOL LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is just too funny. I couldn't even read them to my Mum 'cos I was laughing too much!

lol
think thats all ive got of that sort of stuff

there is an interseting website though but i dont think it will let you post websites hmmmmmm

its called 'your not me' (work it out) and you type your name in and it tells u how many people have the same name as you in britain

Cool! And you can put web links on conversation forums.

can u
but this is the bbc an they are ridiculosly strict on websites and posts and names and. . . .