Middlesbrough: 'Sodom and Gomorrah's Waiting Room'
Created | Updated Aug 8, 2002
Five years is a long time in Middlesbrough. Hackneyed it may be to refer back to the Hitchhikers Guide, but as 15 years was a long time for Ford to be stuck on Earth with a view to 'just passing through', so five years is similarly a long time for any civilised human-being who is not from Middlesbrough, to be stuck there under the same pretext.
Located in the North East, it is interesting to hear some of misapprehensions that people Not From the North East hold of the area.
They may refer to a warm and friendly welcome. They may enthuse about the accent. Career-students might enthusiastically pipe-up on the topic of the cost of beer. Someone who has replaced their life with football might also interject, to inform you of its premiership-status team.
Unfortunately, with the immediacy of a javeline poked sadistically through the spokes of someone's speeding motorcycle, this is where these facile and hopelessly optimistic statements must end. In fact, it may be to your dismay to learn they never held any water in the first place. Let's examine these further:
#1 'A Warm and Friendly Welcome' -- This is a notion you mightly idly allow to float around your head as you tread the broken and thoroughly animal-defacated paving-slabs of the town's main High Street, Linthorpe Road. Maybe its the warm welcome Barry Scally has for you, as he politely requests 'twen'-y pence forr the bus 'orrm, me-ate.' Doubtless a friend for life awaits you in Barry Scally.
A warm welcome may also lie in the bosum of Kelly Scally, as she inquires if you're 'lookin for buznizz.' If you're really lucky, she might ''ave a meerrt ooo fancies you.' And that mate is probably called Kerry.
The chronicler of this guide is keen to point out that in fact, at least amongst strangers, no such warm welcome exists. Having been beaten-up for a cigarette, he is here to inform you that you should keep your head down and, at the first opportunity, get out.
#2 'Nice Accent' -- Queue for a sandwich, or, if you are local, a sausage roll, and you are likely to be greeted by the middle-aged woman behind the till as 'Pet.'
'Are you from Newcastle?' might be your only reaction to that, and her only reaction will be to silently wish that she was.
The real Middlesbrough accent it seems is the blighted child of a Scouse father and a mother who has mild traces of Newcastle in her accent. It is more evident in the younger generation what the true sound of the accent sounds like, and it usually sounds like its going to scrounge a cigarette from you or steal your bike.
It is perhaps more than little unfair to say that even those from Middlesbrough who are, or consider themselves to be, Educated, unfortunately suffer having all evidence of this removed forcibly by their accent.
#3 'Cheap Beer' -- If you are a student, more annoyingly still if you're one of those students who thinks its really good to be a student, then the University of Teesside's Student Union ( http://www.utu.org.uk ) might be the place for you. Here you might find that the assertion of 'Cheap Beer' holds true. Yet this is not 'Boro', as it is affectionately known, itself.
This is a protective bubble, a false community of students, by students, for students. If you have a drink with student chums in the union, you are drinking Cheap Beer In The Union, not in Boro. There are defamation regulations and laws, so further comment on the University itself would be a bad idea. ( http://www.tees.ac.uk ) Step outside of this bubble, and beer-prices are roughly in line with most of the North of the UK.
To drink in the town itself, at least as a student, is a risky affair. To drink outside of the town, is simply suicidal, unless you have had all traces of education and culture bludgeoned out of you with a frozen parmesan.
Within term-time there may be an element of 'safety in numbers', but come summer the beer-swilling, kebab-brandishing locals will reclaim their town with the same fervour of a dung-beetle that has found again the faece it likes to call 'Home'.
Guys who have been sentenced to a long-term stay are advised to pack their Ben Sherman shirts, and similarly the ladies are urged to find their most abominably tatty and unflattering leggings, and then to buy some more as well.
#4 'Good Football Team' -- The writer of this guide is not a great football fan, so this fourth section presents some difficulty. Middlesbrough FC would seem to be subject to the same vagueries and problems of any football team, namely fallen-transfers, adversely publicised off-pitch antics of players..etc etc. It could be even that football plus Boro makes a positive. If you support a team that is not Middlesbrough, then you have two choices;
a - Don't go to Middlesbrough;
b - Change your allegiance.
-- Getting By In Boro If You Have To --
If your spaceship, or car, has stranded you in this place, you need to know a few things to remain as you are, namely un-maimed and un-traumatised.
1. Don't smoke outdoors. This applies to most areas of the town. The penalty for this is to have an ill-looking heroin addict come lurching towards you with an earnest look on his face. The earnest look lasts for exactly as long as he thinks he is going to obtain a cigarette from you.
2. Don't carry any more money/possessions than you need to. In particular, £5 note in your pocket is preferable to £4.95 in coins, as the tinkling of coins in your pocket is only going to invite the aforementioned Barry Scally and chums to approach for their Bus-Home money. It's a very badly-kept secret that this money is destined for his nearest 'scagg' dealer.
3. 'Dumb yourself Down.' In Middlesbrough, Intelligence is Weakness. If you tend to use ten words where three would normally suffice, then Learn Those Three Words!! Outside of a tutorial room (nay, even inside there as well) it will do you no favours to demonstrate any sign of intelligence. It is seen as an advertisement of innocence, a placard for gullibility.
4. Take ear-plugs if you want to sleep at night. The rumble of traffic is _continuous_, and does not stop later at night to observe the need for sleep. A natural extension of this might also be to take along a Babel Fish should you wish to understand the natives.
5. Learn to drink too much. In Middlesbrough, you will not get out of bed happy in the morning, poised to seize another day.
You will get out of bed in the morning, spend many fruitless hours chasing up the inept bunglings of the council, rebuke many heroin addicts asking for cigarettes and money, spend more fruitless hours looking for work in a town where the only job is to be a jobseeker, and then finally spend many hours drinking too much and exasperatedly explaining the day to your mate, in order to blot out the fact of your presence in Middlesbrough.
Of course one can never seriously advocate the misuse of alcohol, and furthermore it should go without saying that This Is Not The Opinion Of H2G2.
Located in the North East, it is interesting to hear some of misapprehensions that people Not From the North East hold of the area.
They may refer to a warm and friendly welcome. They may enthuse about the accent. Career-students might enthusiastically pipe-up on the topic of the cost of beer. Someone who has replaced their life with football might also interject, to inform you of its premiership-status team.
Unfortunately, with the immediacy of a javeline poked sadistically through the spokes of someone's speeding motorcycle, this is where these facile and hopelessly optimistic statements must end. In fact, it may be to your dismay to learn they never held any water in the first place. Let's examine these further:
#1 'A Warm and Friendly Welcome' -- This is a notion you mightly idly allow to float around your head as you tread the broken and thoroughly animal-defacated paving-slabs of the town's main High Street, Linthorpe Road. Maybe its the warm welcome Barry Scally has for you, as he politely requests 'twen'-y pence forr the bus 'orrm, me-ate.' Doubtless a friend for life awaits you in Barry Scally.
A warm welcome may also lie in the bosum of Kelly Scally, as she inquires if you're 'lookin for buznizz.' If you're really lucky, she might ''ave a meerrt ooo fancies you.' And that mate is probably called Kerry.
The chronicler of this guide is keen to point out that in fact, at least amongst strangers, no such warm welcome exists. Having been beaten-up for a cigarette, he is here to inform you that you should keep your head down and, at the first opportunity, get out.
#2 'Nice Accent' -- Queue for a sandwich, or, if you are local, a sausage roll, and you are likely to be greeted by the middle-aged woman behind the till as 'Pet.'
'Are you from Newcastle?' might be your only reaction to that, and her only reaction will be to silently wish that she was.
The real Middlesbrough accent it seems is the blighted child of a Scouse father and a mother who has mild traces of Newcastle in her accent. It is more evident in the younger generation what the true sound of the accent sounds like, and it usually sounds like its going to scrounge a cigarette from you or steal your bike.
It is perhaps more than little unfair to say that even those from Middlesbrough who are, or consider themselves to be, Educated, unfortunately suffer having all evidence of this removed forcibly by their accent.
#3 'Cheap Beer' -- If you are a student, more annoyingly still if you're one of those students who thinks its really good to be a student, then the University of Teesside's Student Union ( http://www.utu.org.uk ) might be the place for you. Here you might find that the assertion of 'Cheap Beer' holds true. Yet this is not 'Boro', as it is affectionately known, itself.
This is a protective bubble, a false community of students, by students, for students. If you have a drink with student chums in the union, you are drinking Cheap Beer In The Union, not in Boro. There are defamation regulations and laws, so further comment on the University itself would be a bad idea. ( http://www.tees.ac.uk ) Step outside of this bubble, and beer-prices are roughly in line with most of the North of the UK.
To drink in the town itself, at least as a student, is a risky affair. To drink outside of the town, is simply suicidal, unless you have had all traces of education and culture bludgeoned out of you with a frozen parmesan.
Within term-time there may be an element of 'safety in numbers', but come summer the beer-swilling, kebab-brandishing locals will reclaim their town with the same fervour of a dung-beetle that has found again the faece it likes to call 'Home'.
Guys who have been sentenced to a long-term stay are advised to pack their Ben Sherman shirts, and similarly the ladies are urged to find their most abominably tatty and unflattering leggings, and then to buy some more as well.
#4 'Good Football Team' -- The writer of this guide is not a great football fan, so this fourth section presents some difficulty. Middlesbrough FC would seem to be subject to the same vagueries and problems of any football team, namely fallen-transfers, adversely publicised off-pitch antics of players..etc etc. It could be even that football plus Boro makes a positive. If you support a team that is not Middlesbrough, then you have two choices;
a - Don't go to Middlesbrough;
b - Change your allegiance.
-- Getting By In Boro If You Have To --
If your spaceship, or car, has stranded you in this place, you need to know a few things to remain as you are, namely un-maimed and un-traumatised.
1. Don't smoke outdoors. This applies to most areas of the town. The penalty for this is to have an ill-looking heroin addict come lurching towards you with an earnest look on his face. The earnest look lasts for exactly as long as he thinks he is going to obtain a cigarette from you.
2. Don't carry any more money/possessions than you need to. In particular, £5 note in your pocket is preferable to £4.95 in coins, as the tinkling of coins in your pocket is only going to invite the aforementioned Barry Scally and chums to approach for their Bus-Home money. It's a very badly-kept secret that this money is destined for his nearest 'scagg' dealer.
3. 'Dumb yourself Down.' In Middlesbrough, Intelligence is Weakness. If you tend to use ten words where three would normally suffice, then Learn Those Three Words!! Outside of a tutorial room (nay, even inside there as well) it will do you no favours to demonstrate any sign of intelligence. It is seen as an advertisement of innocence, a placard for gullibility.
4. Take ear-plugs if you want to sleep at night. The rumble of traffic is _continuous_, and does not stop later at night to observe the need for sleep. A natural extension of this might also be to take along a Babel Fish should you wish to understand the natives.
5. Learn to drink too much. In Middlesbrough, you will not get out of bed happy in the morning, poised to seize another day.
You will get out of bed in the morning, spend many fruitless hours chasing up the inept bunglings of the council, rebuke many heroin addicts asking for cigarettes and money, spend more fruitless hours looking for work in a town where the only job is to be a jobseeker, and then finally spend many hours drinking too much and exasperatedly explaining the day to your mate, in order to blot out the fact of your presence in Middlesbrough.
Of course one can never seriously advocate the misuse of alcohol, and furthermore it should go without saying that This Is Not The Opinion Of H2G2.
