So you have heard all about this Linux thing and tried it out and like it. Now you want to go further. You want to impress your friends with your dedication to Linux. Maybe even gain some kudos in the IT field through your deep relationship with this particular operating system. This does not require technical knowledge though. If you want to know the technical details about linux this entry has it all. You dont need to know how Linux works to be a Linux Guru. It is all about remodelling your life around an operating system

The first thing to change is the way you act when confronted by the users of other operating systems. Linux is superior and knows it. Therefore as a linux user you are automatically more superior than users of other operating systems. Look down your nose at them at every opportunity. As the users of other operating systems includes nearly everyone on the planet you can get pretty snotty.

You are also automatically the intellectual superior of anyone who doesn't use Linux. Linux is supposed to be hard to learn and use therefore all its users must be incredibly intelligent.

At all times you must constantly talk about Linux. Learn to steer any conversation towards it. Do not worry about appearing obsessed. That is the goal. To be able to this you should visit certain websites as often as possible. Daily if not more often. These are sites such as Slashdot, kuro5hin, Userfriendly, LinuxNews, and Mozilla. Never admit to visiting LinuxNewbie. These websites give you all the information you need to "impress" non linux users and to annoy Microsoft junkies. It might be an idea to model yourself after one of the characters in Userfreindly.

Your diet is vital. Drink huge amounts of the strongest coffee you can find. Eat really strange convenience food. Ignore pot noodles but buy bizarre ramen noodles that come direct from Japan without a word of english on the packaging. Fixate on a type of chocolate that no one really likes such as Turkish Delight.

What you wear is also important. If you have to wear a shirt and tie to work make sure it you wear a tie that has a penguin on it. Think Geek are a great source for this sort of thing. Never ever make any attempt to be at all fashionable. If your have any idea about coordinating a wardrobe or even a basic sense of style make sure you get a colour blind monk who has not been in a shop since 1973 to buy your clothes.

Work on your physique. Eating lots of junk food, consuming vast quantities of caffeine and almost zero physical exercise (no, typing does not count) has strange effects on human metabolism. You are most likely to end up as a lard bucket or a really strange thin person with absolutely no muscle tone whatsoever apart from the chronic RSI in your wrists.

Now for the delicate subject of personal hygiene. It is entirely optional.

It is also important to cultivate a lifestyle that reflects your "individuality" as a Linux user. Drive a inappropriate vehicle for where you live. A huge 4x4 in a city is good. Likewise if you live in a rural area get a "city" car or even one of those tiny smart cars. It is even good to pretend to ride a motorbike as this marks you down as an outsider almost from the start. You don't really have ride one. Just turn up in black leather occasionally.

Having unusual hobbies is also vital. Do not just garden, grow bonsai trees. Do not just play the guitar, play the bassoon. Read Italian poetry. Listen to Japanese pop music. It is vital that you do not get any physical exercise so sports like bowls might be ideal (any person playing bowls before their 65th birthday is just strange.) If you really do like physical exercise take up a really strange sport. Ultimate frisbee or real tennis are ideal here.

Your friends should reflect your Linux credentials. If you really work on the above points you will already have some very strange friends. Particularly your choice of "partner" is important. Obviously by now no one who does not share your love of Linux will be remotely compatible with you. They are also likely to be very strange in order to fit in with your new found hobbies / obsessions. The odds are by now you met them on the Internet. In fact it is quite likely you have never met in person and have "cybersex" with someone you think is a (insert personal fantasy here) and is in fact someone just like you or maybe even worse.

Follow these guidelines and before you know it people you have never met apart from on the Internet or at trade shows will make you their role model. Other people will try to avoid you entirely. You wont care or even notice. You are a linux guru and linux is the only thing that matters.