h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Joe aka Arnia was born in Buckinghamshire to a quaker father and a jesuit mother. From there he attended the finest schools; Thorpe House, Eton, Cambridge and became a successful poet and artist.

Suddenly, at the age of 30, he realised just what he'd been doing wrong all these years and converted to satanism. After making a pact with the Devil, he found he had acquired a knack for business and quickly established himself as a successful acquisitions expert. He quickly bought up many large corporations (Microsoft, BSkyB, AOL-TimeWarner, BP-Amoco) and dismantled them. Over time this earned him the reputation as being somehow a selfish man. It is true that he had a thousand concubines but they were listed as business expenses so that was all right.

After a few years dismantling and selling off the world's businesses, Joe aka Arnia turned to buying up, dismantling and selling off the world's governments, eventually turning himself into supreme world ruler. When accused of being undemocratic, he waved his hand and the accusor turned to ashes. Joe aka Arnia always maintained that he was the most democratic regime the world had ever had saying, "People buy my subsidary's products and so they vote for me. I was voted for truthfully by the peoples of the whole world".

His rule was harsh, but everyone said it was fair (at gunpoint if neccessary) and continued until, at the age of 42, he suddenly vanished. No one quite knows what happened to him, but the scortch marks on his leather chair in his office and the smell of sulphur that filled the air leads many to refuse to speculate.

He is survived by a thousand concubines.

Joe, I.. don't know what to say. *smirk*..

What? I have my life mapped out

*smirks*

I can see that.

I think my obituary'd probably read "He was just a poor boy, nobody loved him". Not really worth making a thread out of.

Have I revealed too much of my fiendish plot?

not at all... *njan taps into various national scientific resources and uses them to survey joe's house*

*surreptitiously mutters into a microphone on his lapel, and vans with black-tinted windows ominously appear on street corners in durham*

*presses a button on his desk and the cathedral folds down and palace green opens to reveal an array of nuclear weaponary*

Want to play hardball?

*njan nods, and the philosophy tutor emerges from his terracedhouse philosophy department, armed with a pipe, a musty smelling tweed jacket, and a kalashnikov*

*njan mutters into the coat lapel again, and then wonders why, since he has a microphone on his desk*.. *into microphone, in silly eastern european accent*.. agent vone.. take out ze launch computers..

*the philosophy professor sprints down the road and up the hill, heading straight for the small arsenal*

*in the meantime, njan wastes time*

well.. ahh...

*waves hand and the philosophy tutor is reversed in time and begins running backwards into his house*

That wasn't even a satanic thing, that was just Durham being on the edge of the unreality catastrophe curve.

*frowns*

*decides to deploy a really nasty weapon, and makes preparation for doing so*

*nukes Seattle and giggles insanely*

Here, have some

*in an effort to cripplingly neutralise durham, njan deploys the antithesis of durham, hoping that the ensuing reaction will cause joe's base of power to be destroyed*

*njan flies margaret thatcher into durham*

*As margaret thatcher approaches Durham, her normally hardline political and social opinions begin to soften*

*njan frowns and withdraws margaret thatcher*

*sticks her in an antechamber, and - in the halls of power inside mount njan, begins to plot some more*

*giggles evily and replaces oxfordshire with a giant lake of cream cheese*

YAY! *adores cream cheese*

*njan uses his evil powers to cause the skies to rain pesto and the ground to turn to toast*

*njan becomes several miles large and gorges himself on the largest pestoandcreamcheeseontoast that anyone's ever had*

(if you've never mixed pesto and cream cheese and spread them on thick white toast, do. It's gorgeous. )

You have just eaten Oxfordshire though... *turns Buckinghamshire to cream cheese as well*

*munches his way through most of the South of England*

Yay!

Even High Wycombe?

*taking a particularly large bite, takes out high wycombe, gerrards cross, and parts of london at the same time*