h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I need a sword capable of slicing through people in one hit, can I get one here?

Well now, sir, that depends on a few things, like whether they're wearing armour, what sort it is, and so on.

Is there any particular type that you're thinking of? One handed, two handed, hand and a half? Curved blade, straight? Katana, claymore, khukri?

Tell me more! sir.

Of course,

Yes they are wearing armour, quite strong but I don't know what it is.

One handed, straight sword.

Anything else?

Right-o.

Let me think about this. I'll get back to you soon.

What sort of weight are you looking for? I can make the blade one atom sharp, so it'll cut things with greater ease, but are we talking fencing (like a foil/rapier type weapon) or a heavier blade?

A heavier sword will do me just fine, and sharp of course.
Although if you're interested in selling two, then I'll have a lighter fencing sword as well.

I'm always interested in selling

Well both then, if you please.

OK.

My first choice for you would be found at http://www.swords-online.com/data/shop/images/ac1-111_large.jpg

For a somewhat lighter weapon, try http://www.swords-online.com/data/shop/images/UC-1259_large.jpg

Very nice!

Would you like me to make further enquiries? Or are you satisfied with what you see?

They are good, yes I'll take them.

Very good.

*Cracks knuckles*

And there's the small matter of payment.

Yes, how big a hole are you about to make in my pocket?

Oh no, sir. That's not the way we work here. Make me an offer.

LIke what?

Well, we accept all major fifth century currencies, gold sovereigns and cheese.

Or anything else that I can sell on, really. Although, to be honest, with swords it's a buyers' market at the moment.

Tell you what, I'll ship them to you for twenty sovs and a nice gouda, and that's cutting me own throat. They might take a short while to get hold of, but you know where I work.

Ooo you drive a hard bargain don't you eh?

Well if that's cutting your own throat I won't try to haggle, done.

Very good, sir.

So that is 20 gold soveriegns and a nice gouda for you.