h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: The Scottish Claymores - American Football Team - A744284
Author: Lost in Scotland (Going to Dundee this weekend. Never been there before.) - U178076

Hi, folks.
This is my first try to write an entry, so I'd like some feedback, please.

Hey Lost you could use a little formatting like tags etc.

Also refenece the London Monarchs, Football and Ettiquette of American Football enties from the guide as well. I'll dig up the A numbers if you like.

Yeah.. Thanks, DD. I'll have a look around as well..
At the moment, the entry is just in its Text Format, and since I (to be honest) couldn't be bothered trying to find the GuideML and do a touch-up on the entry, I thought I'd submit it to see what else would be needed.

Okay.. DD, I made a few changes, like changed the entry into GuideML and added a few subheaders. Also dug up the links to The MOnarchs and Football. Need to figure out how to add a reference to the Etiquette for Am Football fans.

Between and

Put Etiquette etc.

Cheers, mate.. Got it. Etiquette for Am Football fans is now referenced.

Hi LIS

This is on the way to being a great entry!

But there are three things it needs at the moment: explanations,
explanations and explanations. In other words, you have to write it for
people who know nothing about the subject.

So all abbreviations have to be explained: NFL, WR etc etc. All of them.

You start off by saying that this is a UK-based American football team.
Think how many meanings this could have. Is it a team of Americans playing
UK Football somewhere? Is it a UK team that plays American Football? Is it a
football team (of some kind) for UK-based Americans? etc etc

Further down, you do explain that "the Claymores are a team consisting
mostly of American players having been allocated to Europe to get more
playing experience before getting a chance to play in the big league in the
US" - this needs to be at the top so that people know right away what you
are talking about.

"Next year, the Claymores will be the hosts of the World Bowl"
Two points here:
1. You are not writing for a daily newspaper or even a monthly magazine.
H2g2 is not just for Christmas, it's for life. So don't write 'next year' -
say what you mean.
2. You need to explain World Bowl.

Just some pointers to get you going. Good luck with this!

Bels

Thanks for the info, Bels.

I've added some explanations about the different abbreviations that I've used, and rearranged a bit to make it a bit more understandable that it's in fact a team in the UK playing American Football.

I don't think I'm going to develop the World Bowl more than I have. I might do an entry on the World Bowl itself, but since this is supposed to be an entry about the Claymores, I don't want to expand too much. It's clearly stated in the entry that the World Bowl is the final game played between the two teams in the league with the best regular season record, and I think I'll leave it at that.

Thanks for the feedback.

Lost

Off topicish:

Johnny Unitas died on Sept 11 2002

One of the greats.. He will be missed.

Okay, since I haven't got any more feedback for a while, I'll move this entry ovefr to the Peer Review forum instead.