h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A tiny indentation on a piece of precious metal, so tiny in fact, that a special magnifying eye glass is normally required to see it clearly. The tiny indentation upon the very precious metal holds all the information required to satisfy the receiver (usually a woman) that the giver (usually a man) has been generous to a fault and that he has spent a huge amount of money on a small object for her to be adorned with. The bearer of such item is than normally propelled into the state of the previous post.

A four wheel drive car

A motor vehicle originally designed for use off road by people who would have the need to drive off normal roads. Usually a rugged machine desined for prcticalities rather than looks or comfort.

Modern versions are usually large with extremely high volume engines which is necessary to carry and power the adornments often fitted as standard, ie people killers disguised as Bull Bars and sufficient lighting to assist at a Football match in the event of a power failure.

They are often used by wannabe rich little housewives of diminutive stature to visit Tesco or similar places, occupying at least one and a half parking spaces as a gesture of 'one upmanship'.

The four wheel drive function and powerful engine are needed in case this driver should inadvertantly run onto the lawn.


A supermarket trolley

A wire construction for ferrying consumables. It is so built as to only ever want to take left hand turnings, and to refuse to budge when ever it so desires.

Only took this on to get rid of the topic as no-one seemed to want it.

Right let's have another word then shall we?



Video recorder

An Electro/Mechanical/Electronic machine designed for the purpose of recording Television broadcasts in the absence or non participation of the user.

There is a theory that a certain Mr J. Logie-Baird managed to record a crude image of his equally crude television experiments onto a wax cylinder, so the idea is certainly not a new one, in fact I am convinced that I have his original machine attached to my system.

Setting the machine is a relatively simple matter, most problems arise through the inability of the user to remember what Day/Date/Month/Time it is but more usually what channel is to be recorded. Having mastered all the above mentioned pitfalls the most common cause of failure is forgetting to switch the device on. Several systems have been devised to elimate the earlier problems, but the latter one has defied all attempts to cure it.

The machines are of course completely devoid of feeling and can be cursed and blamed for all ills without any reaction.



A Cat.

A stupid, small and vain creature that has no interest for anything but its own looks and well being, requires constant grooming and unlike most other animals a special grit filled box for going "number two", kept as a pet by people who do not realise that by purchasing the animal they are becoming slaves to "fluffkins" for the rest of its natural life.

Despite the the cats 23 hours a day grooming schedule, they all smell like week old sick. and have a penchant for spitting balls of hair everywhere. contrary to popular belief they would rather die then exert themselves by helping out their hapless owners with their rat problem.


sweat bands?

There are two possible descriptions for these.

One would be a wide band of absorbent material fitted to areas of excessive perspiration or the wrist areas, both with the intention of preventing the exudation from becoming troublesome and unsightly.

Another could be the appearance in recent years of young semi-naked persons with visible perspiration (usually recently post pubescent males) on stage attempting to play various musical instruments approximatelely in time with each other and in a similar rhythm but rarely succeeding. Often have the most gross member at the front and called for some obscure reason the 'lead singer' who plays what for some equally obscure reason is called the 'lead guitar'.

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A Saxophone.

A "brass" instrument which employs "wind" and keys, and is mainly used to show off the skill, or lack thereof, of its owner. Like the bagpipes, can be melodious, or sound like a bag of cats is being tortured. Beware the side effect of listening to said instrument: live recital may result in being covered in player's saliva.


Chocolate

A highly addictive yet legal substance containing very high levels of Caffiene, and other substances said to mimic the exitement of Sexual activity within the Brain.

There are people, usually Female who claim that they prefer Chocolate to Sex, coincidentally, these people are often rotund in appearance with features which resemble the South end of a North bound Camel.

Chocolate is produced from a so called bean, which is part of a dense cluster within an outer skin. The leaves of the plant can be processed into a white powder, highly priced and much sought after by (usually) Rich Movie stars and Foolball players.


Customs and Excise.

A| legalise army, put into place by the government, to obtain money from innocent tourists who merely want to bring in a record of their holidays, while at the same time, allowing the illegal smugglers to bring in as much contraband as they can. The tourists being the easy option for claming revenue. When the materials have been confiscated it could then disappear and may or may not reappear on the open market.

London Taxi Drivers

A particular 'breed' of men whose occupation is to get you from point A to point B within the London area, in the quickest possible time at the most cost effective rate to you, as the passenger. These men also have to know 'The Knowledge', this being the road map of London and not, as many of them believe, the right to force their opinions on any given subject in the world in 'the knowledge' that they are always right and your opinion counts for diddlysquat, get you from point A to point B in just the right amount of time to impart such opinion and then charge a phenomenally expensive amount of money for the privilege of being enlightened on your extended journey.

The Houses of Lords

I just wondered if it would be better if people gave the discription and then let other people guess the answer,

it is just a thought

manda

Looks like no takers on that one Mr Manda..good idea though, it is a bit slow, I think it takes a certain super cynical attitude to do this one....

House of Lords.

The only place where pompous people can gather looking and acting like total pr*ts and be respected for it, some are there because Daddy was there and Daddy was there because HIS ancestors were a bunch of thieving murdering rapists. The rest are there because they are retired politicians with no other useful purpose (not that what they did was useful in the first place) and the 'network' requires that they be catered for.

If Politics should replace the gun, why do Politicians order Wars???.......not much hope is there.

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The M25...........

A continous carpark designed in a circle, so you can spend hours crawling around and around and get nowhere even more slower.

By the way, the house of lords. My grandfather was a Tory MP. My father was a Tory MP. I am a Tory MP, and my son is not going to work either


Digital Satellite TV

A very clever invention which allows multiple Television channels to be beamed back to earth from a machine which resides in a Geo-stationary orbit around the Globe.

This machine receives its programmes from a ground station known as an uplink, and whilst the tekkie bit may be very advanced this is where the system breaks down.

It allows multiple repeats of programmes which most people were sick of the first, second and third time round.. Also provides bandwith for an interminable array of American trash which costs a fortune and which they are probably thankful to have found a mug to unload on to.

Generally speaking, anything worth watching is available at a premium over and above any subscription already made and comes with its own built in 'spoiler' to prevent home recording for future viewing.

One good thing to be said about it is that the transponders which is the name gived to the transmission system are directional and are focussed on the Earths surface as what is known as a 'footprint', by this means the transmissions are not sent into Outer Space so that Intelligent life will not have to suffer it.


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A corned Beef tin.

The awful drawing done by the friend of your nephew drawn in indelible ink right across the laura ashley wallpaper in the downstairs passage

sorry my page didnt upgrade(thought that i was replying to "Hallmark"

ok, just to move it along....

A Corned beef tin.

A container devised in South America many years ago to hold a nutricious and healthy product for consumption mainly in the U.K.

The real purpose being that the tempting contents would encourage the population to attempt the dangerous task of opening the said container, thus resulting in severe lacerations and considerable loss of blood, thereby fully employing the resources of Hospitals and also weakening the general population and facilitating take-over of Sovereign Land.

Containers were designed in the shape of a truncated pyramid in order to discourage attempts to open from the 'safe' end.

Unfortunately for the perpetrators of this cruel device most members of the population chose to buy ready sliced from Tesco, this Company having specially designed machinery to de-fuse the problem.

Here endeth the first controvesial posting on the subject.

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Next subject.... "The friend of a Nephew".... (single four letter descriptions from pdante` are not acceptable)

The friend of a nephew is a euphemism used by middle-aged women, usually in good nick, when seen out with some young bloke she has payed to 'escort' her for the evening. The friend of the nephew can be, and often is, absolutely bloody drop-dead gorgeous with a body that makes mere mortal men remind themselves that after drinking several pints of lager every couple of days, smoking several packet of cigarettes in a week, eating curry at every opportunity, rendering hair from every bodily orifice, having smells emit from the body (especially the audible ones), remembering that the last time they did any exercise of any worth was probably in senior school being chased by some master for a heinous crime and never, ever looking at themselves naked in the mirror, is not attractive to most women, and they should not look upon the friend of a nephew as some prettied up, moisturizer using, namby-pamby toy-boy. But as the glorious, sun-tanned sex-machine, Adonis that he truly is and remember that the nephew probably makes more money in one evening than the mere mortal men do in a week, enjoys his work, gives 100% while on the job and is worth every penny


A telephone answering machine

a device created for the sole purpose of making me paranoid, al messages are relayed directly to the A.C.R.O.N.Y.M (asanine controling rousatbouts of 'nowing your mind) group, they then know your name a number and the message that you left

my conspiracy theorys aside

the telephone answering machine was invented to allow people to get messages hours or sometimes days after they were left, the machine itself is designed to work in harmony with sods law meaning that the only time the machine kicks in is when you really need the person your phoning and not the mechanical voice box, the messasge normally goes "hello im afraind i am not here right now so please leave you name number and message after the bleep" there is then a bleep followed by in most cases a 6 second limited recording time allowing you to leave the following message "hi you not in damn answering machine well its really impo...."


fried bread