h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A poet who has no talent for rhyme. Main concern is the existence of, or lack thereof, of so called "reality".


politician

A man or woman who doesn't do much but spends a lot of time talking about what they would like to do if they really had enough power to do anything and when they finally get round to doing anything it is normally just exactly the sort of thing that nobody wanted them to do anyway especially the few people that voted for them to be a politician in the first place .
And they tell lies!
And go to war!
And resign after having affairs!



A hospital.

A place where sick people go to be made well and then come out again but more than likely these days you will find that sick people go to be made well only to be made sicker and quite often never come out again!

A toasted sandwich maker.

a machine for making weapons triangular frisbee like objects filled with molten white hot material with which to blind your opponent.


Spam Filter

Cheap, reconstituted meat, deep fried in batter with a criminally high cholesterol level served with baked beans and chips to innocent school children as a sufficient mid-day meal

Lawn mower

(I'm sorry, does that filter or fritter?)

A piece of machinery that you keep in your garage all winter then come spring you take it out, fiddle with it for a while to try to make it work and then give up and cut the grass with shears while you kick the big useless lump of machinery at regular intervals.

Microwave Oven

A large and expensive 24hr digital clock for the kitchen.


A mobile camera telephone

No takers? I agree with you. As soon as I had posted it, I wished that I hadn't but you never know! So let's try

A school!!

a place where children are sent to learn things under threat of punishment if they do not.

An intercom

A means of communication where you can pull silly faces to the person you are talking to, especially if it is a person you dislike, and they never have to know.

A cat flap

A swinging device fitted in the lower part of a door/wall, which involves the human sitting out on the freezing patio with a bowl of fishy cat food trying to entice the cat to use the darn thing, whilst the cat sits the other side in the warm, smiling gently to itself, and knowing the human will give in first


A bird bath

A bowl of water that freezes over so thje birds cannot enter, or is full of blakc insects that pollute the water so even the cat won't drink from it.

Pickpocket

A bowl of water that freezes over so the birds cannot enter, or is full of black insects that pollute the water so even the cat won't drink from it.

Pickpocket

A parasitic creature which lurks where its victims congregate with the intention of relieving its prey of various articles of personal wealth. The proceeds of which are usually spent on feeding various disgusting and often unlawful habits. Can be discouraged from this habit by concealing items of value in unlikely places about the person and then placing an unwanted item such as an old wallet as bait, having filled parts of said wallet with Talcum powder accompanied by a note which reads 'WELCOME TO ANTHRAX'.

Parking Meter

A mechanical device found by the side of the road which always needs coins other than those you have in your pocket and which has an internal sensor which makes it go faster and run out just as a traffic warden walks by.

Fax Machine

Fax machine.

A device for the near instantaneous transmition of photographically reproduced text or other two dimentional image content over any distance by means of wire, cable or radio linkage.

Maximum effect can be achieved when used in conjunction with a colout photocopier on which has been placed the drunken office slut during the office party, preferably in a seated position without undergarments. This has the extra benefit of ensuring the swift departure of the aforementioned undesirable (clean bottoms only please).


A Dictionary

A Book which contains all known rude words specially for teenagers entertainment. It also contains lots of other words for no obvious reason. Don't try to read a dictionary as the storyline is a bit weak. One good use for a dictionary is to stand on it to reach objects on high shelves. Never put dictionaries on high shelves as they tend to be heavy and could hurt passers by if they fell off.


Cappucino Machine (Sp?) - should have looked in a dictionary shouldn't I!

A machine usually found in a Cafe` which claims to be of better class, the object being to combine hot Milk, Coffee and Cocoa powder into a cup with a finish of froth which disguises the actual quantity being provided, this is then served to the hapless customer at great cost. Contains a massive shot of Caffiene and frequent users often complain of Migraine.

(Also known in pigin German as Das-hissen-spatten-poppen-fatten-werken)


Concorde (the aeroplane)

OK not much fun this one I suppose so I'll get rid of it.

An elegant looking aeronautical device for transporting people over long distances at speeds which serve no useful purpose at a cost which is to say the least prohibitive except when used at taxpayer expense. Probably consumes more fuel on one trip than the whole National Express network would use in a week.


A 'Push Chair'

An object that holds a screaming brat, which is pushed ahead of a woman. This is to be treated as a warning siren that a woman is approaching who will bore you with long gushing conversations as to how beautiful this little brat is and how perfect and how many times thay are fed, keep them awake at night, how the first step was and




Hallmark

(only because I'm examing one now)