h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Fried Bread.

An evil creation of the Western World involving many months of creation but a short period of destruction of the Human body.

Firstly the grain is sown in the soil and produces a highly nutricious husked product which can be ground into something called flour, this takes many months, though the grinding may only take a few seconds.

This 'flour' is then mixed with other ingredients including yeast which is a mould type organism which lives on carbohydrates and sugar, producing equal quantities of Alcohol and Carbon Dioxide in the process, this causes the mixture which is now called 'dough' to increase in volume but not mass. When the dough has reached sufficient size it is known as 'proved' (although what has been proved is not stated in the recipes). This is then placed in a hot oven and baked, thus evaporating the alcohol and fixing the mass which is now known as 'bread' into a stable form for a short time.

Bread in this state is very good and tasty, even better if Rye flour has been used as this does not cause as many problems as Wheat flour to the Human digestive system,

However, after a short time the bread becomes in a state known as 'stale' and should really be discarded to lesser creatures for their emergency consumption.

Human beings however are a miserable bunch and will find a way to use up most foodstuffs which are not really fit to eaten, thus 'fried bread' was created.

To make fried bread it is better to use thickly cut slices, ready cut bread can be used but the result is likely to be over crisp and hazardous to gums.

The frying takes place in a medium usually of animal origin, namely the residual fat from the carcass of a murdered and roasted creature who's only mistake was to trust Human beings.

The fat is melted in a pan and the bread placed in but only briefly to allow the soaking up of some of the molten medium, it is then removed and turned over to facilitate the same procedure on the other side. This is repeated until all the available bread has been treated or until the 'fat' is used up. If there is an imbalance, the quantities can be adjusted as an ongoing thing.

When all is prepared, the slices are returned to the pan which has now been heated to a higher level and the slices fried, turning frequently until a golden brown colour is observed, ( a certain amount of peripheral blackening is acceptable).

This is a disgusting and unhealthy food which unfortunately is most delicious, especially if topped with two fried eggs and garnished with lashings of Tomato Ketchup.


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Automatic doors

automatic doors are an invention of satan himself but were later taken by his brother god tio make them even more worse the doors currently used have different alighnments according to there master (god or satan)

usually the doors ar two doorframes fixed on rails with hardened glass filling said door frame, when a being comes within a certain proximity of these 'doors' they open, how exactly they open has baffled man for so many hundreds of years, but most scientists beleive it has something to do with black magic and the 'eye'

so far scientists have narowed the doors workenings to this;
the 'eye' is the doors master and in some textual references is named as 'the master' 'the overlord' or 'clive', the 'eye' governs the doors openings and closenings it sits above the door and monitors peoples passing, if the 'eye' finds the person worthy it will open the door for them, if not the door will not open, the eyes view of who is worthy depends on its alignment i.e god or satan.

here is an example of each.

satan: a man walks into a shop, he pulls out a glock 18 and shoots the place up, he then steals all the money and makes his way out of the shop the door opens for him but shuts as the security guards try to get at hime the 'eye' chuckles to itself and the man runs out a back entrance to his safety.

god: a man walks into a shop pulls out a glock 18 and shoots the place up before stealing all the money he then runs towards the doors which the 'eye' then shuts knocking the man out.

the people who own the establishment that emplys the 'eye' leave gifts of papoose and gooseberries for the 'eye' every morning and are best advised to remeber they do not own the 'eye' the 'eye' owns them.


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water coolers

Posey water dispensers, usually in offices filled with many green fern-like plants and shiny receptionists. Every couple of days, a man with bulging biceps will replace the large empty over-sized 'Evian' bottle with a new full over-sized 'Evian' bottle. The water tastes no different from the water dispensed in the kitchen area, only in that it is dispensed at a temperature so cold, it makes your teeth grate and your gums shrivel at an alarming rate.

The water is dispensed into cone-shaped cardboard cups that hold just about the same amount of water as that from the bladder of a small child therefore rendering the cone-shaped cardboard cup useless after the third drink. However, when not used for the purpose for which they were uselessly designed, you can practise your Christmas party piece of 'how many cups can I balance on my forehead?', make great missiles to fire across the office at unsuspecting shiny receptionists and are great lookilikey Madonna bras.


The photocopier

De-vice having more as vice than virtues.It can kept safely for hours inside a ChatterBox.
Related terms:SIM,radiation etc...

-Mobile phone

No takers on photocopier? Don't blame you, boring choice So how about -

the automatic car-wash down at your local garage!

I'm not doing very well here and have a killed a good game dead for which I'm truly Will somebody please relieve me of the duty of coming up with a 'describee' and kick start the game again. TQ, LW - help

himura returns from the dead to grant the wish of billybob,



i do believe we have not had

plasterscene (sp?)

I must say I rather liked photocopier. Anyway. Plastercine? Do they still make and sell that?
I liked the water cooler one. Every time you go abroad people tell you not to drink the water, and yet we import bottles of the stuff to drink. Even pay for it in plastic bottles! Did you know that evian is an anagram of niave??

Anyway. Enough of this tom foolery!!

Come on then, LW. Photocopier

Call my bluff, huh?

A machine which enjoys gobbling paper, and spurting black unremovable power all over you. It has a bright light which is intended to dazzle if you in advertantly forget to close the lid. Should your item be too small or too large it confuses the machine, which then refuses to work until after you have switched it off several times, called out the repairman and kicked it. It is used at office parties to photocopy various parts of the anatomy which is then posted to various people internally through out the building. An activity which causes great hilarity at the time, but embaressment when those parts are recognised. In fact the only time the machine actually works properly is when this activity takes place. If you are copying an important urgent document it refuses to co-operate and delays working until after the deadline has long been passed.


The automatic ticket machine barrier as used in main line stations

This is a very simple contraption it has only two purposes in life. It has been specifically built to eat money and never ever open.

The electric tin opener

I'll have to compose this one but you should be able to guess half of it kif

fooled ya!!!

Electric tin opener


Contraption designed to up the ratings at casualty, usually on a busy night when opening a tin is deemed quicker than cooking up something properly. Tin is placed, with extreme difficulty, in the jaws on the machine, and a handle depressed. Whirring and grindings occur that wake the cat, frighten the dog, and drown out "The Archers".

If you're lucky, when the circuit is completed the tin will remain held in the jaws of the machine. More usually though, it drops off spilling the contents liberally over the kitchen worksurface, the cowering dog, and your brand new outfit.

In an attempt to retrieve the can and its contents as swiftly as possible to reduce the damage, it is 100% inevitable that you will pick it up by the razor sharp cut edge, slicing the top of your finger neatly into the corned beef/tinned ham/artichoke hearts, forever irretrievably.

The trip to casualty for stitches is punctuated with comments such as "Did you turn the gas off", "What happened to the dog?" and "I hope the dry cleaners can get the blood out of this very expensive outfit".

Needless to say the casualty staff nod knowingly and quietly carve another notch on the x-ray machine to mark the one-hundred-and-fifty-first identical case they have had this week.



Bubble-wrap