h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Panellists are invited to suggest new definitions for existing words that reflect modern life, such as

COFFEE - A person coughed upon, or

OYSTER - One who repeatedly uses Jewish slang in everyday conversation

Film critic -- Oh, these pictures never do come out, do they?

Automobile -- You mean, I don't have to turn this one myself, Mr. Calder?

Bicycle -- Doctor, are you saying it's that time of life for *both* of us?

Talliban -- I'm sorry, there'll be no more of that counting around here!

Fairy -- Look! I don't know why. You pay them and I collect them.

Barton

CHILI CON CARNE - Criminal circus-folk from Finland

Well, where shall we start...

abacus - to swear upon hearing the music of has-been swedish popgroups

abominable - to equip an explosive device with an effective triggering mechanism

abrasive - when you use it for straining tea or washing pasta instead of as a supportive garment

abyssinia - a greeting uttered by people upon parting their ways, but expecting to meet again later

More later!

LOL Pillowcase... And that's just the words starting with ab...

Aphrodisiac - a person with big hair and vertigo.

Politics - an al Qaeda parrot

And lets look at the roots of the word "Politics."

Poli, from poly, meaning "many."

tics, from ticks, meaning "blood-sucking parasites."

ROFL! Beautiful.

ROFL - A posh kind of lottery

Damnation - the breakaway republic of Will Smith

Cantelope -- Just add the apostrophe
Apostrophe -- Heretical poetic polemic
Polemic -- an infestation of politicians, curable with antibiotics
Antibiotics -- When the uncles start talking about biology their wifes get these tics.
Biology -- the study of shopping.
Shopping -- that strange noise you hear in the shop when you go past the anti-theft detectors without having the anti-theft tags demagnetized.
Demagnetized -- removing the nets they put around the magazines to keep them from being read in the shops.
Magazine -- A magician's dry California table wine.
California -- Sex with a cauliflower.
Cauliflower -- World famous dial-up florist service.
Florist -- A person who installs floors.
Install -- On a ship carrying horses, the one without an outside view.
Carrying -- What a dentist does before filling the cavities.
Dentist -- The score tells you the quality of any given den.
Quality -- Tea made from bearlike marsupials
Marsupials -- Competitions where soup is made in honor of the god of war.
Competition -- What you shout when you want your pet tit, Shawn, to return.

Barton

Misinformation ~ A young woman who leads a choreographed swim team.

Definitions ~ A certainty of an atom to possess more or less electrons than a neutral atom would.

November ~ When all the coals in the fire have cooled completely.

Coordinator ~ The partner of the head of the prison, both of whom have been caught in the act of masticating rowing equipment.