h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

well, here's a start, anyway. We can plot our evil deeds here.
I'll put up links and describe your title and uniform better when I've had some sleep.

*unloads bed of pickup. Sets the pot to boil. Looks at shivvering baby potatoes in sack.* Mwaa haa haa! who wants to go first?

Seems like a good spot!
You get some sleep BuafT, I`ll keep the pot boiling
If we get any would-be recruits, I`ll give `em the once over.

*Settles dowm with a crate of and a very sharp stick to torment the simmering spuds*

BLISS

you may be getting visitors soon

Security Alert!

*doors begin to slide closed. BUafT puts on his Helmet and Flak Jacket, loads his shot gun, and sets loose the attack-armadillos! Looking over, he sees Lurcher making his own preparations...*

*Not intending to be caught out again, Lurcher quickly slips out of his splendid uniform, folds it carefully, and dons his combat suit, riot gear, deflection shields and pac-a-mac. Being somewhat restricted in movement, instructs his orderly to prepare the Contagion Mortars*

Right BuafT, ready here, bring `em on, what what!!!

BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM
BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM
BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM
BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM
BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM

*ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch!
Heh, heh! You missed that last shot, little lady.
*Notices the hole in the beer keg.*
NOOOOoooooOOOO!!!

over to lay on his back, catching the stream of beer as it spurts out of the hole.Drinks, as much as he can, then returns fire.
Alternates between catching a swallow of beer and shooting.

(gulp) BLAM (gulp) BLAM [reload] (gulp) BLAM
(gulp) BLAM [reload] (gulp) BLAM (gulp) BLAM
[reload] (gulp) BLAM (gulp) BLAM (gulp) BLAM
[reload]...

*hides behind a rock*
BLAMBLAMBLAM
DON'T CALL ME LITTLE !!!
BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM
BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM
BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM

*Hears a lot of BLAM`s, notices BuafT apparently under some pressure*
Orderly, lay down a carpet of Contagion mortar rounds in the vicinity of that there rock!!

CRUMP CRUMP CRUMP CRUMP CRUMP
(and lots more)

Oh-oh.

Sshhoorry abou'*hic* tha' Litt...un, ma'am.Blam(reload shumthin' I ferget what) CLICK (Oh, YEH! reload THAT)
um, now, what was I doing? (gulp)(gulp)(gulp)*hic*
Did I hit her?

Hardly. BUafT,
*emerges from the rapidly dug trench he was hiding in*
Damn near perforated me though
*Checks to see if Floh has been disabled by the mortar fire*
Think she`s been vaporised BUafT, can`t see her anywhere.

I need a drink

Attack armadillos surge toward the rock.

* climbs up from the floor, staggers over to the bed of his pickup, and tosses Lurcher a jug of moonshine. He checks on the cooking pot...*
Soup's on!

Moonshine,
*upends the jar, then remembers to uncork it*
Should go down well with them luscious baby spuds

Them `dillos are quiet, guess that`s it for Floh then, that`ll teach `em to mess with us !!

* sinks a large draught of the hard stuff*

Life can`t get much better than this

*sneaks up to her enemies, shoots the jar out of Lucher's hand*
BLAAAMMMM

AAHGGH! She got past the attack armadillos!
Take Cover!!! *Dives behind the soup kettle, hunts for his shotgun.
Lays down cover fire for Lurcher.*

BLAMBLAMBLAMITYBLAMCLICK[RELOAD]BLAMBLAMBLAMITYBLAMCLICK[RELOAD]
BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMLBAMLBMLLABBBIMLCLICKCLICKLCLICK...
....OH,OH!

YOU SPUDOPHILE &%$§"**

So, ah like um young! So shoot me....




oops.*scrambles to reload*

*reloads definite-kil-gammer-ray*
BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM

WHA..WHA..WHAT`S GOING ON ??????

Somebody`s shot my Jar to pieces
I`m coming BUafT!!
* Crawls in the general direction of the cooking pot, he thinks*

OUCH> MY KNEES